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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Worried about motives of friend's husband

10 replies

mandy95 · 26/07/2024 13:09

My friend Jane (not her real name) married a man from Morocco about 18 months ago (over there) and finally managed to get him a UK settlement spouse visa (sorry don't know exact name of visa).
The husband moved to the UK and into Jane's home about 6 months ago and I've noticed so many red flags with him since he arrived.
Jane worked day and night (3 different jobs at one point) in her determination to save up the money to get his visa and to meet all the income requirements stipulated by the government for people who sponsor foreign spouses to move here.
Jane has always been very hard working and careful with her money, she made so many cut backs and actually went without stuff during the time she was saving to get her husband his visa. He contributed nothing.
Despite having been here around 6 months, he shows little work ethic or interest in working. He's had a couple of agency jobs in warehouses and factories but he quit over things like "not liking the people" or "not getting enough smoking breaks".
Husband spends his days at home, smoking and watching TV or out with his friends. He acts like a stroppy teenager. Lots of huffing and puffing whenever Jane brings up the need for him to work.
I've noticed him be very disrespectful to her in other ways too... Asking her for money to send his family for non-essential things. Being a sweet person, Jane tries to see the best but he's just a walking red flag to me. He's been snappy about what she wears, says to wear less make up, spend less time with friends and things like this.
I'm worried that he's going to bleed her dry and relieve of all everything she's ever worked for. He seems such a dead-beat, like he's going to drag her down.

OP posts:
DreamyCyanFinch · 26/07/2024 13:16

Well you need to stick around , and be a good friend to her.It sounds like she's been decieved.

Maybe you could mention what you find a red flag about this man to her.Although it's still the honeymoon phase.

Kerkyra2024 · 26/07/2024 13:19

From your description sounds like he wants a maid/living pay packet rather than a wife. Your friend may stubbornly stand by him at least for the time being but just be prepared to be there for her when things get harder than they already are

Girlmom35 · 26/07/2024 13:40

Whatever you do, make sure you don't give up on this friendship. No matter how frustrated you may become at her blind spots. No matter how many times she lets him manipulate her.
This will end badly at some point and she'll need someone to be there for her when it does.

pikkumyy77 · 26/07/2024 13:44

F

cupcaske123 · 26/07/2024 13:48

It's not uncommon to be used for a visa. Looks like he'll bleed her dry and treat her like a servant for as long as she puts up with it. I'm assuming that he doesn't lift a finger at home either.

Limth · 26/07/2024 13:53

This will all end very badly.
Warn her as delicately as possible.
Be there for her.

Nothing else you can do.

ToofHurty · 26/07/2024 13:54

I'm worried that he's going to bleed her dry and relieve of all everything she's ever worked for.

Yes that’s exactly what he’s going to do.

Personally I’d choose to risk the friendship by spelling that out to her.

The other option is keep quiet and be around to pick up the pieces when he does. The thing I’d struggle with there is trying not to let her suck the life out of you by whining and complaining about him but doing absolutely nothing about her situation.

SamW98 · 26/07/2024 14:36

I would have to say something even if I risked upsetting her or ruining our friendship. I couldn’t stand by and see a friend getting scammed and used like this.

She might not want to hear it but maybe you saying it out loud will help her see the red flags slowly

TheHuntSyndicate · 26/07/2024 15:37

He is biding his time to be married long enough to her to mil her of any money etc and possibly persuade her to put property in his name only etc.

She's an absolute fool who's been taken for a ride.

He cares not one but for her. She's simply a meal ticket and the link he needed to get a footing in the U.K.

The time to step in was before she married the leech.

She won't listen to you now. She's too far in and. Utter fool.

TheHuntSyndicate · 26/07/2024 15:38

Excuse spelling mistakes! ^

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