Moving on

[toosoon05]

Long post alert!

So I(f39) recently broke up with my long term partner (m42). We had been together for around 10 years. No kids or any financial ties by this point.

Bit of background, things were great with us at the beginning for the first 7/8 years. I then discovered he was taking drugs (coke). It was if he was out with mates and he said it was no big deal. I asked him not to and he said he would stop. In fact the opposite happened and he got hooked. He started to take it more regularly and our relationship started to fall apart. No more date nights (the only time we went out together was weddings/parties etc), rarely had dinner together and most nights I went to bed alone. Intimacy was a thing of the past. He did briefly start to get help and things improved with us but very quickly he fell off the wagon.

I became a shadow of my former self, I went from the confident happy person I was to the recluse who rarely left the house except for work. I gained weight and was just generally unhappy. I was worried about leaving the house as I could come home to the house looking like a bombsite. His paranoia took over. Our dog was never fully relaxed around him, I questioned if money was missing from my purse. I just felt I was constantly living on eggshells. We had moved away by this point and my family and friends weren’t close by. I never told anyone what was going on. They did notice I wasn’t myself but never brought it up until we broke up. There was constant arguments and I rarely saw the man I fell in love with. He always thought grand gestures or extravagant presents made everything ok.

Roll on the start of this year where we had the chance to move back to our hometown. I took out the lease for the new place alone and told him it was over. Then against my better judgment I let him move with me. We had a long chat and he promised to change, things would improve and it was a fresh start. Being back around my support network I started to feel more like myself and he did change for all of a few weeks. Then things just got bad again, I asked him to leave and he wouldn’t go. Didn’t have anywhere to go. Then I came home late one night after being at the hospital to find him high, and I just had enough. I stayed out that night as an argument on top of worry was just too much.

The next day I had to get family to help me get him out. Hes been gone since and been on a mates sofa as far as I’m aware.

Since he’s been gone I feel like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders, I sleep better at night and I am happy to get out the house. Basically overnight I became my old self.

Did I feel heartbroken yes, but not over him as I think we were over long before more of the wasted years I’ve had and the end of a relationship. Friends and family have all commented about how he changed me from the confident outgoing girl I once was to the shell I had become. I was the one who initiated nights out and girly weekends to the girl who didn’t go anywhere.

I was feeling quite lonely so signed up to online dating. Friends and family are great but it’s not the same as having a partner. I’ve also miss the intimacy and if I’m honest I’ve been missing it for years. Don’t know the last time I had a hug or had someone hold my hand never mind anything else. I was always an affectionate person, touch was my love language. I think the push came when I got chatted up in a restaurant and I didn’t feel guilt about the gentle flirting just giddy.

I feel ready to make a connection again but don’t know if it’s too soon. I don’t want to hurt anyone and talking to friends or family I’m just not sure I would get honest feedback. I think the love was gone a long time ago, I loved the man he was but not the man he became. As much as I have only been truly single for a couple of months I think emotionally it has been much longer.

Does anyone have any advice about moving on, how do you know if you’re truly ready? Also if I do meet someone, how to explain all this but with such a short time since we actually split? I don’t want to scare them off but at the same time I would be sceptical if a man said to me I broke up with my ex of 10 years just a matter of months ago.

Hi Op you were with your ex similar time as I was to mine. We split at end of last year but circumstances different but similar in the sense it was a toxic relationship and he was a on and off drug user too.

ill tell you what I did and felt. In the first few months I thought the same that well I haven’t had intimacy in years so I was ready. I went on a few dates but realised past flirting I wasn’t ready and it made me feel worse.
Dating apps are also full of sadly a lot of people that can be confusing at best.

I personally think a year off after such a long relationship is your best bet. No sex no dating. I heard this advice watching YouTube videos on toxic relationships and for me this is what I’ll now be doing. Reconnecting with friends and interests as like yourself I didn’t leave the house I became less social and I think it’s best to build that up again and if you meet someone sooner through that way then that’s great but getting straight on dating apps I don’t think are a great idea. I’d be on dates and find myself talking about my ex and realised I just wasn’t over the situation or found my new normal yet.

Thanks for the reply, I never looked at the relationship as toxic before but I think you're probably right.

I think because I have started to feel like myself again, have been getting out and doing more like old times that I thought I was ready.

I'll maybe hold off for a bit and see how I feel.

Well done for getting out of the relationship! I'd recommend taking some time to focus on yourself. I've definitely felt like I've been ready to date again and then absolutely not been! You mentioned he had addiction issues, so it might also be worth looking into to codependency and seeing if you identify with anything you read.

I just think OP any long term relationship could probably do with a break before getting into another one. Your normal is to be in a relationship it’s good to take time find yourself again and if it happens through meeting people great but just think seeking a relationship out through apps ect is more likely to be a codependency aspect where you may feel you need someone. Just my thoughts though as going through similar and although I felt lonely in the last few years of my relationship I’m spending this year progressing in areas I was lacking and starting to enjoy my own company the need of needing someone or strongly desiring it has mostly gone now. I feel by next year if a guy comes along and we get along I will have more of a secure attachment style to the anxious one I had before which kept me trapped in bad relationships.

Sharing this as your relationship doesn’t sound a simple as falling out of love or wanting different things but like a previous poster suggested may be a codependency aspect to it.

Within months I got on to apps and I think a large part of that was just the worry I wouldn’t be desirable anymore given a man my whole 20s now going into my 30s and now with kids but it eased those worries and I went on a few dates and realised past the excitement that it was too soon. I don’t think I’m the type to be able to have a fwb situation though.

you can have connection also from meeting up with friends. I recently spent the day kayaking with a bunch of people and I was actually dreading it but it was amazing and made me realise I want new experiences and stronger connections with friends than a new man and experiences shared between just two people. My relationships have always been a bit consuming and think if you lost yourself too OP you’ll find spending the next few months being with friends and family really good for you.

also sounds like your EX isn’t in the best way and if he’s been dependent on you he’s likely to crop up a lot which will be a bit jarring if you’re with someone else. Just seems like ten years and few months out is a bit soon. The dating apps ain’t going anywhere 😂