Husband walked out, do I call police?

[LifeIsDucked]

So my husband of 20 years has always had bouts of depression where he's a nightmare to live with. Really moody and sulky, I'm on eggshells and can't win no matter what I do. They normally last a few days or a week then he pulls himself round and things are good again.

This time he's been really low for a few days and we ended up bickering. I told him to fuck off, not my proudest moment but I snapped. About half an hour later he comes downstairs, realises I haven't made him any tea (or me, just fed DD). He stropped about for a bit, slagging me off which wasn't nice. I didn't engage cos like I say, I can't win. Then he went out. This was nearly 3 hours ago. He's never stayed out this long and although I want to not care I do. I'm worried. He's depressed and was really, really angry. Obviously he's not answering his phone. Do I ring the police? I'm worried he might do something to himself. But then I'm worried that if I call the police and then he comes home I'll be in trouble for being dramatic.

Sorry it's so long, no one in real life I can talk to.

If you think he would hurt himself call the police immediately.

Yes, call the police. At the very least they will do a welfare check which could trigger some support for him.

Thanks. He's just walked in, won't talk to me and announced he's going to bed cos he's got work tomorrow. I love my life 😪

@LifeIsDucked How are you doing?

I'm okay thanks @Nix32 . I'm working on persuading him to get some help. We've been here before but this latest bout is the worst it's ever been.

Sounds like he is using depression as a form of control

Tell him calmly and clearly either he goes to the GP and gets the ball rolling to sort this out or you are splitting up.

You walk on eggshells
This is what he wants

This isn't love by the way

He doesn't have bouts of depression, that's called the cycle of abuse. He's emotionally abusing you.

Why didn't he sort out dinner for you all while you fed your daughter? It's a rhetorical question - it's because he doesn't lift a finger and treats you like a skivvy. He knew you'd worry and was punishing you by disappearing.

He being moody and sulky are examples of emotional abuse towards you. You and in turn your child are being abused by this man. He is using his emotional state as a way of punishing or otherwise getting back at you. He is probably all sweetness and light re and to his work colleagues; they've likely never seen this particular side to him.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?.

Depression or some sort of systematic abuse?
Possibly both.

This isn't how people with depression usually behave. If you are afraid of your partner. Or not happy. Or a mix of both then please consider your choices.. you don't have to live with someone like this and neither does your child.

My ex was like this. It wasn't depression, it was abuse, and it took me decades to realise.

Please read up on cycles of abuse.

Agree - this is abuse

How old is your dd?
Can you make plans to leave?

Agree with PP, this is coercive control, whether he has depression is beside the point. He’s manipulating you with his behaviour. It NEVER improves, it always gets worse. Please keep safe and make plans to get you and your DD out of there.

You don’t have to live like this, you know.

Leave him and be free of it.

He’ll threaten to hurt himself when you leave. But it won’t be your responsibility and you don’t have to put up with it.

He's abusive, end of. Get your daughter out of that nightmare.

This isn’t ‘bouts of depression’. This is emotional abuse.

When are you moving out with the kids? It's bad for them to grow up seeing it.

F

He's escalating his behaviour as he can tell that you are engaging less, he's not getting reaction that he wants so he pushes further and further until he gets it.

I am sorry to say that I agree with this being abuse. My DH has bouts of depression, whereupon he goes back to GP, gets a counsellor sorted and gets himself sorted out. He is painful to live with but he is aware of this. He is incredible in that he makes himself keep putting one foot in front of the other so that our DC are not impacted. He does not step back from parenting.

Your DH is being horrible and you should not put up with it.

What type of help has he had in the past?

If he’s always avoided getting help, instead taking his moods out on you then yes, it’s definitely a form of control. Adults with families needs to seek help for their MH problems to protect their families from their mood swings, etc. I’m diagnosed with anxiety and when it got bad, I went to the doctor and ask for help, because it was starting to affect my family.

If he won’t do that, you need to consider whether this is a good situation for you and your DD to be in. 💐

Also, I grew up with a Dad with MH problems and I’m afraid it does affect children if the parent does get very ill.

I’m glad he’s ok and I have a lot of sympathy for him because mental health issues are not nice.

But you also need to take care of your own MH too.

We only have so much energy and you have a child who needs you and takes most of your energy already.
You cannot give everything you have left to your DH because you will end up having a breakdown.

I would seriously consider either ending it or even living separately until he is feeling better and then deciding your next steps.

He doesn't have depression. Depression doesn't last a day or a week at the most and then you snap out of it. He's following the cycle of abuse.

1. stage 1: tension building
2. stage 2: emotional abuse
3. stage 3: reconciliation
4. stage 4: calm