How to survive and move on after relationship crisis (long!)

[Mopsy]

I've been through a couple of challenging communication/commitment issues with my dp in the last six months or so; we both have children from previous relationships and we don't live together but have on the whole had a seriously good and solid relationship for a year and a half.

However, about six weeks ago we had a nightmarish holiday which ended in disaster, and in the intervening duration we have both finished with eachother although a couple of days ago agreed to take things gently and see how we go.

I'd really appreciate any opinions and advice.

Dp has been holidaying regularly (UK, walking, cycling etc) with a couple he is close friends with, their children and his own daughter. He invited me along - we have been away on weekends together but not for a whole week. In his words, he saw it as something that would really cement us, and in fact during the drive up whilst stuck at red traffic lights he spontaneously said 'I'm going to marry you!' before blushing furiously and having a wobbly moment.

So naturally we both assumed we'd have a great time, no question.

The first couple of days were great, lovely, and then his friends arrived. I know them a bit, have spent quite a bit of time with them, and like them but wouldn't say we are close, they're definitely his friends IYKWIM.

I won't bore you with the gory details of the week but to cut a long story short I had to end up 'complaining' to dp that he was ignoring me whilst being very happy and jolly with them, that I wasn't happy being with his friends morning noon and night especially when the woman flirted outrageously with him and was extremely cold and uncommunicative with me.

I insisted we leave a day earlier than planned because frankly it was sheer hell, since then things have been awful. Dp has found it difficult to accept the ideas that a) a bad time does not equal a bad relationship and b) it is possible for people to have different/separate hobbies/friends etc and still have a relationship!

Durr. He has apologised for 'throwing his toys out of the pram' and I am certainly willing to get over this and move on. But I have been plagued by doubts, anger, irritation etc and was just wondering what traumas other people have been through and how they got through them - and how long it took!

Thanks
Mopsy
xx

We always have arguments when we are away, and sadly it is obvious to any companions we have. In my opinion it is far more relaxing to be away either alone together or with mutual friends. Everyone is then on level terms and people don't waste time resenting each other.

I think you should forgive him because men aren't always very with it on such matters. Don't go with this couple again..

Yep! On every holiday we take we have a fight on approx day 4 then have to move on! And this is with the man I have been with for 13 years and married to for almost 8.
Men! As my Mum says @Can't live with 'em, can;t live with 'em!!'
No advice, but lots of sympathy!

On our US holidays, DH and I always have a fight when picking up our hire car at the airport and then don't talk for the entire journey to our destination apart from "Take highway XXX to YYY and exit"

This year's one was a real stormer!

We generaly forget it by the time we reachthe hotel room and unpack though.

Oh my God snap,poor you Mopsy.I won't go into it too much but every holiday we have we seem to fall out.When we're not on holiday we tick along quite nicely,but put us in a car together on the continent with me map reading and this horrible swearing monster sitting next to me starts.The day before we came home I was swearing under my breath and said if I hadn't been to a French market by the last day I didn't think we had a future.On the last day we hit the shops at last and he was saved!Sorry not much advice but at least you're not alone.Good luck with things.

Mopsy, I think couples are entitled to have their own friends. Partners don't necessarily have to get on with each others friends. What it means, I think, is that those are the friends you tend to see alone, rather than as a couple. Dp has some friends who aren't my friends. I don't dislike them particularly, they're just not my favourite people, I don't click with them and would rather he saw them on his own, so he does. We have mutual friends too and I also have friends that I see on my own. I think it's fine and healthy in a relationship.

If this other woman behaved possesively towards your dp and was cold and uncommunicative to you I think it was very rude of her. She's to blame for her behaviour, not you! It also sounds as if he considered the holiday a kind of test and if so, it wasn't a fair one IMO. Just because you didn't love this particular couple doesn't mean you two won't succeed as a partnership. He won't be marrying them will he? He'll be (maybe) marrying you. It sounds as if he was badly behaved too if he ignored you whilst being nice to them and I think I'd be cross about that too in your position. So, I don't know if any of this is useful but if your relationship is good, happy and solid apart from this holiday I'd say you're right to try to sort it out, forget about it and move on. Good luck.

Thanks so much for all your messages.

I suppose I am at the point of feeling very strongly that I still love him and that for me there is no barrier to us fixing this and moving on.

However, dp has had enormous difficulty in reconciling what happened and is still 'stuck' in some way - his main problem has been that he had a totally fixed idea of what the holiday would be like, and cannot cope with the reality that it didn't work out that way. Obviously we all like it if our close friends get on really well with our partners - it makes for an easy life - and it's coming across as though if I truly love and accept him then he comes with these friends too!

Also it seems that while I can recognise that I can feel intense anger and irritation and other negative feelings about him but can deal with this and it doesn't affect my love and affection in the longer term, for him he feels that because he felt those things about me it could be permanent.

So at the moment I don't really know how to behave around him - trying hard to be my usual friendly happy self but he's coming across as quite closed and just not enthusiastic about seeing me and spending time together. Obviously I don't want to force the issue but I'm upset about how things are and feel that if we're going to have a chance of succeeding then we both need to be putting in the effort, not just me.

Tonight I phoned the couple we went away with and offered my apologies for how things ended up on the holiday - I wasn't specifically horrible to them at all but I was obviously quite grumpy and sour and antisocial by the end of it. I think I should take responsibility for at least trying to improve that friendship and seeing if that helps at all. They were both really nice and reassuring and have invited me over next week so we'll see how things go.

Wish I could just wipe out the whole week from existence!