Husband comes home late after work

[Prontehpronto]

Hi husband comes home late after work alot and goes out with work people, I know its prob cos he has a better time then at home with me and the kids, what should I do. Been happening for years, shouting and ultimatums don't help

Leave him

He's obviously disengaged from family life. You can leave or try something like marriage counselling see if that works but it looks like he's checked out. I suggest you look into divorce.

Of course the ultimatums don't work, because they aren't actually ultimatums, are they? You're still there, putting up with his bullshit, so of course he keeps doing whatever the hell he wants to.

Yes,think probably will get divorced when my kids are older, I'm not actually that bothered anymore, so prob looking for ways I can just be chill and not bothered, or something, he doesn't even bother to call and tell me, would be easier if he was actually having an affair, could chuck him and no one would say anything. What do I do? Just say I want a divorce? How do we sort out kids and house and stuff?

You’re really asking us, ‘How do I get him to be home more because this is what I want?’ What you want is perfectly reasonable, but he is not going to comply with that because why would he? He has made his preferences perfectly clear. The question you should be asking is, ‘Given my husband is going to continue staying out and doing whatever the hell he wants, regardless of what I want, and he will not change, what do I want my future to look like? And then you go and do that. The hardest part for you is to answer that question honestly.

I don’t really think this makes sense: would be easier if he was actually having an affair, could chuck him and no one would say anything

You only get ONE life. You’ll waste it on this because of what people might say?!?

@BananaLambo I don't particularly like him being home really anymore, once my kids leave home and off to work or uni don't really want to be left with him, is it daft to stay with him till then? We appear to have an 'arrangement'which I unknowing entered into, I don't like being intimate with him, we have nothing in common but he pays the mortgage and bills, (i pay for everything else) was ok when we were younger I suppose, now I'm 40, I literally can't be bothered with the agro, I do things and gave interests, so is it OK to stay in this type of marriage for the time being?

@NotStayingIn very true, your insight is right...

If you can stand it and be polite to each other then wait it out. Live separate lives and wait until the children are older. Start building a life for yourself separate to the home.

You can do whatever you want
You can stay for convenience
But then you should not complain when you are choosing this way of life
And he may turn round one day and say he is done

Only YOU can know if it is okey to stay in this type of marriage for the time being OP. The question is if it is ok for you. What are the gains of staying and what are the losses/ costs to you ?

Just to provide a contrary option to the LTB Brigade.

How often is a lot? And how did this cycle start? Because if my husband shouted at me and gave me ultimatums about being out with friends then maybe I would do it more.

@cestlavielife yes you're right, didn't mean to come across as complaining, just looking for some support or info that might help me navigate this less the ideal situation, but yes you are right, he could turn around and say he's done...

You can do what you want obviously but think about what will make you happy. I was in a marriage like yours for years. Eventually he left. I cannot tell you how much happier I am. All the anxiety that had bubbled under for years is gone.

You don’t ’stay for children’ that’s not a thing. In fact it’s the opposite, you’re not modelling a loving relationship for them which is damaging.

@Yourethebeerthief he's aways enjoyed a few drinks with friends, once a few years back he just didn't come home and stayed out till about 4, not even sure what's open till then, so I had a go at him, I just tend to get miffed rather then shout, but that time I did scream at him, didn't know if he was ok or where he was, last year he did the same and stayed out till 5, again had a proper go at him, not sure if that was unreasonable, if I would have done the same without any messages or calls sure he would gave been annoyed at me. You're prob right tho, it's prob cos of me he doesn't come home

@Mirrorcat what made him leave? Maybe I'm being controlling, he isn't my possession after all, maybe he should be able to do what he wants when he wants? He doesn't abuse me or the kids, he just isn't home all that much, I have a very comfortable life (I'm not a kept woman, I earn my own money) my kids seem happy and it's just normal for them, daddy has always been at 'work' alot, people have far worse problems then me, and thinking about it, is it really a problem? Or am I just nowhere cos he isn't doing what I want him to do?thank you for your message,its making me think, it could just be me that's the problem

Because we weren’t in love anymore. And I didn’t have the guts to call it.

same as you it seems!

What are we talking about here? How many nights a week?

We’re actually quite good friends now ironically

@Shimoo2 at least 2 nights, maybe I'm just being unreasonable, but I wouldn't do the same to him so think at the very least he's being really disrespectful and paying me no regard, but he is his own person, I guess he doesn't owe me anything, me and boys have a little unit and get along fine by ourselves, maybe he's just selfish should I care anymore or let him just do his thing, prob fine for him to do whatever, he pays the bills and is a grown up

@cupcaske123 yes agree with you, he defo is disengaged, he is quite self absorbed and always saying how stressed he is, never really bothered what we are all up to, lol reading that back maybe I'm the self absorbed one!!!!

I imagine you're self absorbed because you're working, running a home and looking after children single handedly while he behaves like he's single.

@cupcaske123 yes he does behave like he's single, I feel sorry for him, he's missing out on our boys and the funny things they do but doesn't seem bothered, I said it in another reply, my life otherwise is fine and I should be thankful for that, I will not divorce him whilst kids are young, he is drinking cos he says he is stressed with work, I won't contribute to that stress I think, will just let him be

You could try couples counselling.it will help you no matter what you both choose in future.
Or you could tell him you need nights out too and you're going on Monday, Thursday Friday, for example.
Do you make his dinner, do his laundry, cleaning? Stop doing all of that. Make sure you're only doing 50 percent.
It's possible you can make improvements but it will take a long time of regular counselling and commitment from you both. There is a point I think when resentment is too large for counselling to work anymore.
If you stay in a marriage where you are constantly being disrespected you're teaching your kids that this is normal and they should expect it when they grow up.

It could be that he feels left out of the unit of you and the boys and doesn't know how to be a good dad. Still, he should work it out for himself and try

I would still say a couples counsellor would be a massive help for you to move forward from being stuck in feeling disrespected.