He doesn’t love me anymore

[Mamacocololo]

Hi everyone, I’m looking for some advice or to know if anyone has been in a similar situation.

My partner of 5 years told me last night that he doesn’t love me anymore. He gave me lots of reasons but I still don’t understand it.
We have a 4 year old child, we had her really early on in our relationship. Over the past 2 years he hasn’t been interested in me, no intimacy ect but he always said it was to do with stress & money worries.

our relationship has gotten quite bitter, I’ve felt he hasn’t loved me for a while and that made me miserable and short tempered but I always thought we’d get through it.
when he told me he didn’t love me I begged and begged him to stay with me for the sake of our little girl and he’s agreed to give it one more try but I’m not sure I’ve made the right choice in asking him to stay.

I love him and want to make it work, and part of me has always been frightened about being a single parent. The house we live in is his, I have nothing.
I’m so scared and confused.

Oh no, that’s heartbreaking. Genuinely upsetting.

I can’t imagine being told this and having to then live with it. Can you honestly handle that? I know you will want to keep your DD parents together but it may destroy you.

Im not sure if either of you can come back from him saying that. I mean if that’s how he feels, I’m not sure what you can do. How can your self esteem possibly cope living with someone who doesn’t love you.

I think him agreeing to stay is a reaction of how badly he has hurt you and not of someone who wants to try again. I’m sorry for saying that x

You shouldn't ever beg someone to stay.

It's likely he took ages to build up the courage to tell you what he did and has given in through guilt. That doesn't make for a solid relationship.

You say yourself it hasn't been good. Don't you both deserve to be happy? You're now going to feel even more insecure and unloved and he will end up resenting you. I know how hard it is. I don't underestimate that. But this relationship is dead. You're only setting yourself up for more unhappiness.

Do you work? Can you afford to rent somewhere? Or you would have to apply to the council for housing. You will likely get some form of benefits to help financially and potentially child maintainance.

Thank you for both of your replies.

I know what you’re saying is right, this is why I just feel like I’m so lost. I’m hurt, I knew we weren’t perfect but I do feel blindsided by it and in the moment I just didnt know how to react.

I work full time currently but I am starting university soon. I wouldn’t know where to begin about finding housing and benefits

Tell this to your partner- that you feel lost, worried about starting uni, don’t know about benefits and try and work through this together. He will probably be feeling a lot of guilt and will want to make things easier for you. It’s a sense of abandonment you must be feeling the most but if you ask for his help to try and make things smooth as possible, then you might start to see that actually, no you weren’t meant to be together and you can get through this

Your best bet would be citizens advice. They can talk you through it all. Also Shelter are good re housing.

I understand what you're saying. It sounds like you panicked and didn't know what else to do or say. I do feel for you because I know what a punch to the guts it is.

But I also know that as awful as it seems right now, you can get through this. If you're starting uni soon then that's a fresh start, you'll meet new people. It will help.

When you are to separate- take each day at a time, ask him to help you find somewhere else.

I'm so sorry. You have been blindsided and he seems like he has been deliberating about this for a long time, so he is way ahead of you. Tell him this and you need time to catch up to where he is in his mind and feelings. Let him know that you feel about overwhelmed about how to find a place to live, claim support at Uni etc. and see if you can come with a plan together or if you can afford it and would find it easier see a marriage guidance counsellor to have a more neutral space to discuss how to separate.

I'm so sorry, OP, that is devastating. Hopefully your partner will stay in the family home at least long enough for the two of you to agree what happens next. Trusted friends and family could help too. You'll find you're way, but it's hard.

My DW's parents stayed together "for the children". She reckons it ruined her life (& theirs as well).

Don't do it. A split is hard but I honestly believe that, in the long run, it's the lesser of two evils.

If you both want to work on things it’s a good start? Things don’t sound too terrible. Make a fresh start go on a date? Become friends again. If it work out least you can say you tried.

It sounds like you'd be better off going it alone.

It doesn't sound like there has been any real relationship for years and he's tried to make it work. Realistically if you hadn't had a DC would this relationship have continued?

It sounds like he is a good man, stayed with you when you become unexpectedly pregnant, moved you in took care of you even when he hasn't been feeling it and putting his own feelings aside and now he can't do it anymore. It's likely taken him ages to actually tell you and then you begged him and coerced him into staying when he doesn't want to - it's never going to end well.

Do you really love him? And if so what about him if there's barely been any relationship. Or are you actually scared of change and content with settling?

Start looking into options, private rent / moving in with family and look at getting your life back. DD is still very young so this will have minimal impact on her. If you leave it another few years it will be more traumatic for her