Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Urgent Advice needed.....

13 replies

Upsydaisy1 · 13/04/2008 18:32

Sorry this maybe a long one. My DH has recently left me and my DCs 4 and 11 months. We've spent the last 3 months arguing and not listening to each other and it has resulted in this mess.

Basically I have always been more dominant and fiery. He appeared to always be happy to go with the flow. After I had my baby I suffered with PND and became needy and controlling. I was not understanding of his job and I was very unreasonable at times. All of this I have held my hands up to. Anyway when he said he was going last week I told him he had to tell our 4 yr old, which he did. Of course I only said that in a vain attempt to stop him going. he has always been a real family man and I really didn't think he could do it. Anyway he has come back today to see the dcs and I have virtually begged to give it another chance. We have a great life and two wonderful children. He is so angry with me for making him feel this way and for making him tell our dc that he was leaving. He said I have broken him and he will never let me do that to him again. He is at breaking point now and I don't know what to do.

The problem is that he was manipulated and bullied as a child by step father and because of my unreasonable behaviour of late it reminds him of his childhood.

I really don't know what to do. He looks dreadful and I'm sure is having some kind of emotional breakdown due to events from his childhood, my behaviour, his own behaviour amd pressures of me and work. Please help me. Don't suggest relate as he won't go. Some of the issues relating to his childhood would need to be discussed and he can't go there.

We have said dreadful things to each other and he is clearly in turmoil. i feel as though this marriage is ebbing away and I don't know what to do to save it. In additional my poor children don't deserve this. I am at my wits end!!

OP posts:

Eve34 · 13/04/2008 18:43

Oh poor you, and DP. Are you able to talk to each other - have an evening away from the children and really talk through what you both want - does he want to work on this with you? I have had PNd and it has taken ne over 18 months to feel normal and actually become a reasonable human being. Hope we can find some common ground for both of you - take it easy x

Original poster

Upsydaisy1 · 13/04/2008 18:46

No it would appear at the moment that he wants seperation to continue. I am beside myself and am trying my hardest to see that I am sorry and want to put right the things I've done wrong. He just won't listen though. He's got our boys today and will be staying here at home with them tonight while I go to my friends for the night. I am hoping some time at home with the kids might give him some time to take stock of what is good about us. Does anyone have any suggestions as to how I should behave in the best hope of getting this back to normal

OP posts:

Eve34 · 13/04/2008 18:48

I can't say how to behave as I don't know him, but would suggest being calm and relaxed as you can. Make it clear that you are ready to talk and try and work on the relationship, sometime a part, and some time with the children might give him time to reflect upon the situation and seeing you wanting to move things forward can only be a positive thing.

CarGirl · 13/04/2008 18:58

Have you told him that you are very concerned about him and that you now realise how much of an affect your behaviour has taken its toll on him?

Original poster

Upsydaisy1 · 13/04/2008 19:04

yes but he won't listen. I am getting desperate and he is due here is 20 minutes. I have been a cow but so has he but it doesn't warrant the end of a 16 year relationship and all that we have built. No affairs, violence or anything of that nature. Just what I've already said.

OP posts:

CarGirl · 13/04/2008 19:06

TBH he could be so depressed he cannot reason anything. I really don't know what you can say or do. If he insists on seperation then you could insist on mediation to sort out contact arrangements which may open up the avenue to sorting your marriage out.

fordfiesta · 13/04/2008 19:12

Oh you poor thing!!! No advice (i am rubbish at relationships) but i hope things resolve themselves!

DivaSkyChick · 13/04/2008 20:05

Idea: Tell him, quietly and with dignity, that you respect what he's going through and that you'll abide by whatever he decides. Tell him the ball is in his court. In other words, give him his power back. He might punish you for a while but if he loves you, he'll find his way home. If he can't, then it's broken anyway and at least you will have your dignity.

TLV · 13/04/2008 20:24

I really feel for you and its scary how similar its sounded to my own situation, dh walked out back end of last year, arguments and him feeling under pressure from me and other things (I was the dominant one in our relationship) we are thankfully working it out and I would say the best thing to do is go to a counsellor, we are doing relate and it was initially to help us communicate through the break up but now its to work through out issues so we don't make them again. One thing I would say is don't let anger take hold and I know it can be hard, as one poster said be calm. Some GPs have relate at their surgeries so try going there first the waiting list is not nearly as long and its free

TimeForMe · 13/04/2008 21:08

Hi there I agree with Divaskychick. if you could just tell him that you love him very much and all you want is for him to be happy so you respect his decision to leave. Then take a step back and leave him the space to come to you. It might not be easy for you because you love him so much but try not to pressure or force him, try not to get upset or beg him as this may just puch him further away. He has to feel safe to approach you, to be around you. If he feels that he is going to be pressured into coming back beofr ehe is ready he will have his defences up as soon as he see's you. Just give him time.

In the meantime, you make sure that you take good care of yourself, be kind to yourself and don't beat yourself up about everything. You didn't make him leave, he chose to leave. In the same light he has to choose to come home. If he feels that home is the place he wants to be he will be back xx

minkulus · 13/04/2008 21:44

Feeling for you . I would echo what others have already said. Try to be as calm as you can and give him space. Men are not too good in general at being 'pushed' into things. Tell him you love him and are there when he needs/ wants you.
I have been here and its tempting to niggle away until you get the result you want - please try to be patient.
sending you love and kindness.

lucyellensmum · 13/04/2008 22:10

Did you recieve any help for your PND, you sound like me, my DP never could, still doesnt really understand the whole thing, pre diagnosis we were hanging on by a thread - I made him come to the doctors with me so he could understand that when i was being vile it wasnt personal. We are over the worse (i think/hope) now and it was definately that which changed things. I dont really have any advice, just wanted to offer my sympathy.

littlewoman · 13/04/2008 22:42

Hi upsydaisy, I've never been the dominant one in any relationship. I've always been the underdog. So from that point of view maybe I can offer some advice? I know you want the relationship to work, and nobody could blame you for that at all. But (forgive me for saying so), that is 'all about you' and what you want. The time has perhaps come to make this crisis in your husband's life all about him. Instead of giving the message 'get well and come home like I want you to', give him the message 'get well'. This will make him feel loved and ease the guilt and stress he is feeling, which can only make your relationship better between you.
I really hope you can work things out. You can go to relate on your own which will help you to improve your relationship, too, even if dh isn't there with you. Sending you virtual hugs

Flip