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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Daughter and partners relationship deteriorating and I need some clear advice.

58 replies

Rainingstars · 25/07/2024 20:06

I’ve been with him in a relationship for over 4 years and we have a 1.5 year old together. I have an 8 year old with previous relationship (he was abusive) had no contact for years with our daughter.

To begin with the relationship with my partner and daughter was good. They got on fine and she really liked him, would often choose to sit with him and follow him everywhere. It has over the past couple of years and I say the last year in particular gone downhill. My daughter is being referred at school for ADHD which is making the situation more complicated. Around the time of contact with her dad starting the relationship with my partner deteriorated. I know he has got into her head as he wasn’t happy that I was living with another man.

Now my daughter hates my partner, she won’t respect him, she rolls her eyes and tells him to shut up. He is getting more and more annoyed and does less and less with her. This is triggering her ADHD and she is talking to him worse and worse. She said she sees him now as an enemy as he makes her feel bad.

He wont communicate with me and thinks the way to deal with it is to just ignore her. I’ve got annoyed and called him immature. He either needs to make an effort to re-build the relationship and gain her trust or he needs to go. The way it’s going it’s just unlivable. She is a child and he is supposed to be an adult. Yeah I’m sure he never wanted to sign up for this but it is what it is. What is the best way forward, it’s like a constant war and I can’t see the wood for the trees?

OP posts:
Original poster
Rainingstars · 25/07/2024 20:07

I should add she is like this in all relationships. She hates her teacher also because he makes demands and she is demand avoidant.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 25/07/2024 20:08

He either needs to make an effort to re-build the relationship and gain her trust or he needs to go.

Yes. Would he read some books or do a parenting course? How to talk so kids will listen is the best.

Original poster
Rainingstars · 25/07/2024 20:09

@MrsTerryPratchett no I don’t think he will. He wants her to change but she is just a vulnerable child struggling. I should add his parents don’t like me for causing this distress to his son. It’s so challenging. I feel like it is my fault.

OP posts:
Whattodo2024 · 25/07/2024 20:10

He’s got to accept he’s got a stepchild with additional needs, which means doing things differently. If he can’t do that then he needs to go

hushabybaby · 25/07/2024 20:10

Have you talked her 1:1? Absolute trust what ever you tell me won't go back to him? What's happening with her dad? Is he on board ?

Original poster
Rainingstars · 25/07/2024 20:11

@Whattodo2024 that’s what I’ve said to him. He is leaving me completely torn currently, I’m carrying it all on my own. He just doesn’t have the tools to deal with it. As I’ve been told by his parents he had a perfect upbringing so how would he have a clue how to deal with this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rainingstars · 25/07/2024 20:13

@hushabybaby yes I’ve had a talk to her. She says he tells her what to do (sit at the table and eat) and she doesn’t want to be told as it makes her angry and then she can’t stop herself from answering back. It’s part of the ADHD and he can’t separate that from her. She does the same to me but I understand she is struggling.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rainingstars · 25/07/2024 20:15

@hushabybaby its been used a lot by my ex is a narc. He was found guilty at court. He will and I know because she has told me talked badly about him and me. He is her only hero, he lets her do what she wants.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rainingstars · 25/07/2024 20:17

I’ve got a feeling my partner is ND himself. He is incredibly black and white and doesn’t seem to be able to grasp different concepts and different ways to do things.

OP posts:
Ponderingwindow · 25/07/2024 20:18

we have to parent the children we have. That means adapting to their needs. It’s true for children without special needs as well as children with a diagnosis. Having a preset idea of how to be a parent is a path to failure.

he needs to adapt and he needs to do it quickly. If he refuses, he needs to move out. Your priority has to be your child.

the truth is this isn’t just a step-child issue. A parent can be just as obstinate when it comes to adapting to parenting their own child. Sometimes the only choice is to guarantee the child has at least some time during the week where they have a peaceful home life.

MrsTerryPratchett · 25/07/2024 20:18

Rainingstars · 25/07/2024 20:09

@MrsTerryPratchett no I don’t think he will. He wants her to change but she is just a vulnerable child struggling. I should add his parents don’t like me for causing this distress to his son. It’s so challenging. I feel like it is my fault.

He doesn't have the skills. OK. He doesn't want to acquire the skills? No.

Sorry I have a child with ADHD and she needs really skilled parenting. So I read everything, went to parenting classes, sought help. He won't, he doesn't get to be there. I know how hard that is.

hushabybaby · 25/07/2024 20:19

Okay she's 9/10 they all push boundaries and that's absolutely normal. Keep your relationship with her and talk to your partner about it . The rules change at this age, which I'm not sure he's on board with.
Communicate with each other and keep being open to conversations.

StormingNorman · 25/07/2024 20:21

This is really difficult OP. Your husband needs to be the adult but he isn’t alone as a step parent who struggles to treat their step child as a child. Sometimes emotions get mixed and SPs relate as if they are dealing with another adult ie retaliating rather than ‘parenting’ bad behaviour.

Twistybranch · 25/07/2024 20:22

Difficult.

Because the reality of a demand avoidant adhd child is extremely tough. And that’s with the love that comes when it’s our own child. It is different with a step parent. I think they need to build on a friendship first but that so hard with ADHD. Things can spiral easily, they don’t respond to consequences, they can’t control the outbursts, can say the most awful things and not understand what they’ve said.

I honestly think you need to support your partner. I know that sounds crazy and I’ll probably get piled on but having a child with this type of behaviour is tough and relentless. Be understanding that it’s tough and explain that you can’t parent an adhd child in the traditional way and they can’t help the way they behave. But that direct parenting should be left to you.

What I would advise isn't to focus on their relationship but focus on yours. So his job in the relationship is to support you. So that you can do your job to support your child with ADHD. In terms of direct parenting, I would leave that to you. In terms of support, he must allow you to do what you think is best but in turn you can’t expect him to be able to know how to deal with ADHD.

So for example, let’s say your kid is having a meltdown and things are spiralling. You deal with that in the way that you see fit, but he is there to support you (not to get involved with the parenting). So maybe that means standing along side you or making you a cup of tea while your dealing with it or maybe he is in charge of the little one at that time and he’s to go off to the park. Hopefully your kid will see that he is caring for you and supporting you and also not seeing negativity from him that she is currently seeing. That in turn may build trust. You partner can feel trust in you and visa versa. Don’t throw in the towel yet!

NorthernSpirit · 25/07/2024 20:24

This is difficult for both your daughter & partner.

Just because he’s an adult, don’t minimise the effect it is having on your partner. And it’s not all of his responsibility to solve.

You say your daughter hates him. Have you as the parent explored why this is?

Your daughter doesn’t respect him, she rolls her eyes and tells him to shut up. How you you feel if someone did this to you? I’m a SP - I wouldn’t want to put up with this in my own home.

You need to step up & start parenting her. It’s absolutely not acceptable (ADHD or not to treat someone this way).

Original poster
Rainingstars · 25/07/2024 20:24

@StormingNorman this is just so bloody complicated and I’m getting it from all sides. Not only that the in-laws hate me because I’ve ruined his life. He’s an adult but apparently it’s my fault. No one knows what their kids are going to be like but we aren’t a team or on each other side. It’s me doing it all and constantly trying to stop a war everyday. It would be so much better if he made an effort but I can’t make him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rainingstars · 25/07/2024 20:29

@NorthernSpirit Of course I feel for him also. It’s hard enough for me to handle. I do parent my child. It’s an extremely new situation with the ADHD and I’m learning. What I ask is that he support me. He keeps getting annoyed and shouting and calling her stupid. I can’t even talk to him about my day if it’s been hard because he just gets annoyed. He isn’t supporting me at all. I don’t know how to get her to stop eye rolling etc, no punishment works, no reward, no talking to, no explaining empathy, in that moment nothing works. You just have to ignore it but he rises and gets into an argument and name calling.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 25/07/2024 20:30

He keeps getting annoyed and shouting and calling her stupid.

No, out he goes. My DD spent a year calling herself stupid because some utter fucker said it to her. And that person didn't live in her house.

Twistybranch · 25/07/2024 20:31

Rainingstars · 25/07/2024 20:24

@StormingNorman this is just so bloody complicated and I’m getting it from all sides. Not only that the in-laws hate me because I’ve ruined his life. He’s an adult but apparently it’s my fault. No one knows what their kids are going to be like but we aren’t a team or on each other side. It’s me doing it all and constantly trying to stop a war everyday. It would be so much better if he made an effort but I can’t make him.

No you can’t make him. You have to switch up what’s expected of him. Make his job to support you, not to be able to parent a child that has additional needs. He cannot meet those needs OP. Make it clear you don’t require parenting skills but he needs to build on his relationship skills with you and his job is to support you, and your job is to support your child. Dont be defensive, tell him you understand it’s tough having a child that is DA ADHD but you’re asking for husband support his wife, not to parent a child that has SN.

Original poster
Rainingstars · 25/07/2024 20:32

@MrsTerryPratchett I know, it’s just not working like this. She says the things she says but she doesn’t really mean them but I think he does.

OP posts:
candycane222 · 25/07/2024 20:43

I expect he's disappointed and upset because it went so well to begin with, so he felt great about himself as a stepdad, and now this. He isn't taking his responsibilities on board at all now though, it's almost as if he's just sulikng because he's 'lost the knack' and doesn't see why he should suddenly have to put the work in. But he needs to. Parenting is work. If he won't put the work in he should not be living in the same house as dd.

As for the shit being spouted by his parents - is he reporting this back to you or are they giving it to you directly? Either way you Do Not need their counterproductive and wilfully unhelpful crap poured into your ears. So: "I'm going to stop you there. This is not helping anyone" when a peep starts to be peeped.

Original poster
Rainingstars · 25/07/2024 20:44

To be honest I get left with both kids most of the time. He doesn’t do anything for the eldest at all.

OP posts:
OhcantthInkofaname · 25/07/2024 21:05

Have you told her her behavior is inappropriate? I know I would be upset that my spouse would not acknowledge that what the child was doing was hurtful to me. To constantly make allowances for the child instead of acknowledging that the child is a brat.

HowIrresponsible · 25/07/2024 21:08

Rainingstars · 25/07/2024 20:13

@hushabybaby yes I’ve had a talk to her. She says he tells her what to do (sit at the table and eat) and she doesn’t want to be told as it makes her angry and then she can’t stop herself from answering back. It’s part of the ADHD and he can’t separate that from her. She does the same to me but I understand she is struggling.

Had she maybe got some demand avoidance going on there?

He could phrase it better - just tell her her food is there, would she like to come and have it. Or just dinner is ready etc.

Sit at the table and eat sounds like a punishment

HowIrresponsible · 25/07/2024 21:09

OhcantthInkofaname · 25/07/2024 21:05

Have you told her her behavior is inappropriate? I know I would be upset that my spouse would not acknowledge that what the child was doing was hurtful to me. To constantly make allowances for the child instead of acknowledging that the child is a brat.

Wtf? She's 8...!