Messy situation

[HollyJenni]

So, I’ve been in a relationship for 11 years.
very up and down, neither of us have been fully faithful in the relationship. We are just two people who really shouldn’t be together.
we are barely intimate, he works away a lot, we don’t have much in common and if it weren’t for our house and daughter we wouldn’t be together I’m sure.
we had a row not long ago and he said to me that if I left again, he wouldn’t chase me.
anyway, last year he was messaging my mums best friend in a sexual way and I moved out but ended up moving back home as I felt I had to.
Fast forward to now and about 3 months ago, a guy messaged me on social media and for some reason, I messaged back. We got chatting, exchanged numbers and I guess it’s become an emotional affair. We bonded over our similar situations etc and have so much in common etc.
Yes I know I shouldn’t have done what I did etc.
anyway, this guy has now left his girlfriend and obviously reduced contact with me (which has been hard).
I know at some point I will have to talk to my OH and explain that I’m not truly happy which I know will devastate him but if I was happy, why would I even entertain someone else?
Im so heartbroken at not hearing from this guy as much and he is understandably going through a really rubbish time.
advice would be appreciated and yes I know, I’m not doing the right thing etc

Your relationship is dead in the water. I would focus on making the separation as easy for your daughter as you can.

In all honesty, it sounds horrendous. A really unhealthy way of living. Seems like it's all over with OH anyway, bar the shouting.

Maybe your the man you were seeing will contact you in the near future? How will you react to that?

Oh just break up. You’re not staying to prioritise your child, don’t be daft.

Just break up - you will both me much happier. As for your partner messaging your mum's best friend - UGH!

It doesn’t sound like you owe him anything tbh. It all sounds pretty toxic. So what if he’s devastated. He doesn’t sound like he’s been at all committed to you anyway.

Just split up. I don't even understand why you're still together at this point, you're obviously both unhappy and your daughter will be living in an unhappy household, which can't be fun.

Why do you stay with him? Why did you feel like you had to go back to him? And do you really believe that he'll be devastated if you tell him you're unhappy? Surely he knows this already?

I am. I don’t want to be the person that breaks up a family.

I stay with him because it’s easier than leaving. Our house is privately rented, outgoings are quite high, can’t afford to live alone, don’t want to be the one who breaks us up, he emotionally blackmailed me before saying that our daughter was struggling and wasn’t the same, my family got involved and essentially forced us back together, his parents are both sadly deceased and one of his sons doesn’t speak to him so it’s just a really hard situation.
I appreciate I’m not a perfect person but our daughter isn’t aware of any of this. We don’t shout or anything in front of her etc

Far better to co parent your daughter then stay in a toxic household b cause children do know regardless of how much you think you’re shielding them.

And you’re also teaching them by example to stay with someone who treats their partner poorly - please set a better example and show her you’re strong enough to walk away

Then have a conversation with your partner about staying in the same house and living separate lives. You can both continue to have flings while staying together and there wouldn't be all the tension.

Honestly, if you could afford to live separately, would you?

Yeah. If my parents could have had me, my daughter and our pets I wouldn’t have come back home if I’m honest. I’m living a lie and it’s cruel to him as he probably believes that I love him maybe as much as he loves me. He said the reason he messaged my mums friend was just banter and he was drunk but i think he was probably craving something new as I am too.

I don’t think he would be open to this. I haven’t had a fling. Yes there has been texting but we haven’t met etc

This i do understand. She doesn’t see us being particularly affectionate. She sees him working on his laptop and doing the food shop, me cleaning etc

I obviously misunderstood. When you said this

neither of us have been fully faithful in the relationship.

I assumed you meant you hadn't been faithful. Then you had an emotional affair. An emotional affair to me is a fling but perhaps for others a fling has to be physical.

I'm not sure what you want from the thread. You don't want to leave your partner and you're upset your emotional affair has disappeared.

What advice are you looking for?

Sorry yeah I would say a fling is more like, a physical thing that’s casual.
Im not proud of my emotional texting situation, im just stating that if I was truly happy I wouldn’t be doing that either.
i suppose I just wanted someone to vent to.
It doesn’t matter

Ok, well, if you can't afford to separate it's really hard, I have a friend in the same situation.

I do think you need to get over the feeling of not wanting to be the one who breaks up the family though. I get it, I really do, I've been there and it's taken me years to do it, years that I now regret not doing it (so I may be projecting!). The thing is, I really do wish I'd done it sooner, as I can now see clearly the effect us staying together has had in our (now grown up) kids. If you're in an unhappy marriage/partnership you really are best of ending it. But then we're back to the finances...

I don't know what to advise you there OP. You say that if your parents could take you, your daughter and your pets you'd go, so are your parents refusing to take to pets, is that the problem?

It does matter, and please vent if you need to.

Of course you can vent I just wasn't sure how to advise you.

The whole situation is a toxic mess. You need to end your current relationship, I wouldn't advise persuing anything with your EA partner either.

You need to investigate how you can be financially self sufficient either by increasing your income through earnings, benefit top ups and child maintenance or by reducing your outgoings. This may mean moving to cheaper accomodation.

I think you need a period of being single, your EA is not in a position to offer you anything and I don't think you are in the right place to start a new relationship.

Concentrate on establishing a stable home life for your daughter before thinking about another relationship.

Yeah they had me and my daughter there last March but my dad refused to have the pets so my other half threatened me with them being rehomed. My daughter would be distraught. my sister disagreed with the whole thing and wanted my parents to put us up as she knew how unhappy I had been for a while but my dad sort of got involved and essentially got me and my OH back together. My sister doesn’t speak to my OH or my parents now so I also have that to deal with

The only thing I can suggest is to move into a house share. Don't get your family involved at all as they don't have your best interests at heart. There are pet fostering services which can temporarily look after your pets if you have difficulty finding somewhere to start with.

Your partner will hopefully contribute to the upkeep of your daughter and you can look on a benefit calculator to see what if anything you are owed. You can try Gumtree or spareroom.com to look for places.