Abusive father - need to offload

[melanieklein]

I need to offload and interested in others' viewpoints after just having spoken to my father. My father sexually abused me when I was aged 13 on and off for a few years. At the time I disassociated myself from it and pretended it hadn't happened. It caused me problems over the years and I have had a lot of therapy to help me. I told my mother when I was in my 30s and after the initial shock she became angry with me and blames me for giving her nasty news that affected how she views my father. However they are still together. For a long time I acted like everything was ok but in recent years I am unable to collude with the myth of a happy family - my family has never been that and I don't believe incest happens in a happy family. As a consequence of attempting to tell my father why I couldn't attend a family occasion we haven't spoken or seen each other for a few years. He has just rung me to ask me to make an effort to put what has happened aside and attend a surprise birthday lunch for my mother. My brother also knows and neither my mother, father or brother are able to acknowledge that what happened to me was terrible and very emotionally damaging and I am still trying to work my way through it. However I do end up feeling guilty for not being able to put what happened to one side and am left feeling agitated and upset after the phone call today. For many years I didn't say anything about the abuse to protect my mother, brother and father (he said he would go to prison if I told anyone - a cliche I know!). Up until I was abused I adored my father. Noone in my family apart from my husband (who is great) is able to deal with with it and I suppose it hurts that they can't acknowlede what happened to me.
Sorry for the long post

Hi - just wanted to send you a [hug]. I thankfully have never experienced this but wanted to say that I was thinking of you and I'm sure there will be some fab gals/guys along soon to advise you.xxx

Your father rang you up and asked you to put what happened aside? My god. He doesn't think he did anything wrong.

He knows it would be frowned upon as a disgusting, abusive and terrible thing to do to a little girl but within himself, he doesn't believe he did anything wrong. I am staggered he asked you put it aside. There is something very very very very very wrong with your father.

I feel so sorry for you. You don't have the support of your family who know about the abuse.

You obviously an impressively strong person. Much stronger than any members of your family. But can you really keep in contact with such people? People who don't see the massive damage and hurt caused to you?

You don't owe them anything. You've explained what happened and they are ignoring it.

I am no expert but I personally would cut such people out of my life. Your mother didn't protect you - even as an adult, she should have protected you. Your brother, are you sure he wasn't targetted by your father too and he's not faced yet?

It's very complicated and toxic. You need to surround yourself with positivity and people who have your best interests at heart. You cannot play happy families whilst this is tearing away at you inside.

I'm so and for you.

Thanks - i don't think I am any stronger than the next person but I have had some years of therapy to help me. The difficulty is that I am dealing with the abuse in therapy at the moment and so a lot of hidden feelings are coming to the surface - hence not being able to collude any longer that the abuse didn't matter. My brother wasn't sexually abused but would rather pretend my abuse didn't happen. Not sure where my mother is in it all but she would prefer not to think about it and is more concerned about how it has affected her than me - sadly I don't think this is unusual when faced with this sort of situation. I do know I come from a disfunctional family (I hate the word tho'!) and I have very little to do with them all most of the time nowadays. My mother sees my children but our relationship is very strained.
I believe that my father, like a lot of abusers, is uncapable to understanding what a dreadful thing he did to me. He tried to be so manipulative on the phone - 'can't you put your feelings to oneside for your mother?'. I told him to 'f**k off' (probably the first time I have said it to him)and he said I don't think that sort of language is necessary. I replied saying I will say whatever I want. I was feeling very angry but then felt very disturbed once the phone call was finished. Hence my message

Melanie. Your post moved me to tears.

You don't owe them anything.

You are rebuilding your life.

Don't let them back in.

You have the support of your lovely DH.

You have your own family unit now. Don't let the old one spoil it for you, they will if you let them.

They want to sweep what happened to you under the carpet like it never existed. You know it did. Thats all that counts.

Look after yourself above all.

Hi.

I had a similar situation with my father. I also had a hard relationship with my mother for seperate reasons.

Even though i have never explicitly told my mother I am also very angry with her for not protecting me from it as there were definately clues.

If I were you I would be angry with your mother as well for knowing what happened and not doing anything about it. In a way it almost seems as if she doesn't believe you as how could she stay with such a man?

Therefore you are perfectly within your rights to not attend her birthday lunch.

In fact, you have to think of yourself over everyone else. I'd personally cut off contact, as I have done, but of course its not a decision that has no down sides.

But you really shouldn't feel guilty and pressurised to do anything.

Look after yourself. Big hugs.

You mustn't let your father near your children. I'm not sure I would allow my mother to see them either knowing that she wouldn't stand up for an abused child. Would she stand up for them if anything happened? Not that it necessarily would because you are a very careful and aware mother.

I wouldn't even speak to him. He's still trying to control you by suggesting that your angry and the words you use i.e. Fuck off are rude and inappropriate. You shouldn't be angry because what he did wasn't wrong - to his mind.

Have you ever thought about pressing charges? I don't know what the law is in this circumstances.

I can't imagine how much rage I would feel.

I'm so angry for you.
Your father is an abuser. He is still trying to abuse and manipulate you. What a f%&$%$&%ing s&&$%&(*t.
Don't you dare 'put your feelings aside'. That would just be too fucking easy for your shit father and your family. Your mum and brothers want to pretend it never happened and your father thinks you are being unreasonable!

They are toxic, poisonous people and stay away from them (easier said than done but they will destroy you if you let them back in)

xxxxxxxxx

I have not been in this situation so its hard to know what to say. I would be tempted to cut contact with a family that is so toxic. Your father has not paid for what he has done in any way, in fact you are being made to pay by your mother not standing by you. It must be hard to move on when no-one has properly acknowledged the pain and suffering you have been through. I would also be tempted to press charges. He shouldn't be allowed to go on as if nothing has happened.

For what its worth, it is so very very hard to cut off your family, it can make you feel like you went through this terrible terrible experience and now, you appear to be the 'bad' person for not making it comfortable for everyone else. I can only say, you must do whatever feels most comfortable for you, and that might mean going to the lunch, or it might mean not doing so. Either way, it does not make you less of a person, and it does not make you a colluder if you do go, it just makes you human. You are not buying into the myth of 'this did not happen' you are just doing what is best for you. Try not to feel bad whatever you decide to do, listen to your gut feeling if you can hear it and follow it. If you do go, it does not mean forgiveness all round, and whatever you decide to do may change on a day to day or week to week basis and that is fine too. If you dont go, thats fine too. I wish you luck but undersand that whatever you decide to do, you may end up feeling like you wished you did the opposite! its a cliche I know but your brother and your mother are probably dealing wiht this with no therapy or insight and so are so locked into their own fucked up view of it, you do have insight but you can't force it on them, you can only use your own insight to try and make sense of the situation you are in. They are more to be pitied than villiefied ( ps I do not include your dad in that statement) xx

Melanieklein it is so hard to think of what advice to offer. I haven't experienced this, though a very close friend was sexually abused by her grandfather for years, and as an adult confronted him, and her parents and siblings over the abuse. Thankfully her parents and sisters stood up for her and supported her, but her brother has never forgiven her for destroying the "happy" family make up. Her family have never spoken to the grandfather since.

If you don't want to continue a relationship with any of your family, then I suppose that is easiect dealt with - you can just cut ties and use your support networks to help you through. But you sound like you may want to still see your mother....do you? In that case I would write to her and explain that you can't come to the birthday lunch and ask if you can have lunch with her seperately. Maybe she needs some space from your father to be be able to start admitting to herself what he has done.

I second danae there
let me just say melanie
similar situation here
i fucked them off
never looked back
still in contact with my sister, as she's the only decent one, but the rest.........
i know you feel you've let yourself down by saying "fuck off", but sometimes, it's the only appropriate response.

Many thanks for all the messages - it actually helped me to not feel guilt for putting my own feelings first. There is no way that I am going to any 'happy family' celebration - have worked too hard to get to the point I am at to go backwards. For those of you who have had shitty experiences and abuse in your own childhoods extra special thanks. I don't really talk about my experiences in real life but there is a strange sort of comfort knowing that others can understand where I am coming from.

am going through this myself melanie... am very shocked that your dad even thinks it's ok to talk to you never mind ask such a thing. It's amazing how a family in denial can display such dysfunctional behaviour.

The problem is when you're outnumbered you start to almost believe that maybe you ARE over reacting and the guilt creeps in.
In my situation, the abuse was quite hard to describe as my memories of it are hazy (I remember him touching me but not alot else- just the feeling of fear and confusion) and he didn't persistently touch me...there was lots of spying on me and creepy-ness which always made me wonder if I was imagining it.

The fact that he was a chronic alcoholic has confused the issue hugely as when I did decide to tell the family (about 7 months ago), they all just said 'oh, he must have been drunk and you've just elaborated'. He wasn't drunk at the time but even if he was, it's still not ok to leer at your daughter. I had a younger sister who, when drunk, asked me if he'd ever touched me...i wasn't ready to confront as I still lived with them at the time so I said 'no' and she said 'me neither but he stares at me all the time'. I knew exactly what she meant but, 15 years later when I told her about my experiences, she had kind of rationalised her own experience and didn't consider it to be a serious issue...as a result, after I confronted the rest of the family and as a result cut off my dad and partially my mum (I allow her to see my DD for 4 hours once a week- on the strict condition that she is not to see my dad- she knows that if that happened she won't see either of my kids again), my sis has remained on the fence which is horrible that I have noone fighting my corner (except my DH and friends who have backed me 100%). My brother tried to minimize everything I told him, putting it all down to me misunderstanding my dad's intentions (how do you misunderstand someone touching and staring at your breasts?)... I avoided him for a while after that and he accused me of 'cutting him off' and 'spoiling his son's first christmas' and we've not spoke since. My mum didn;t believe me and accused me of being depressed but then she didn;t believe me when I told her about it at 13.
I feel awful about the whole thing but will not put up with being made to carry to burden for a whole family. If they can't handle it then that's their problem...After my mum didn;t believe me at 13, I just buried it and told myself I was protecting them by not pushing the issue but, for that to happen you sacrifice yourself and when you've got kids, that just takes a back seat...I couldn't rationalise putting my children in the same situation and it made me realise how much my parents had let me down- I could NEVER do that to my children.

You have been very brave and should continue to do so... I hope you don't feel obliged to have these poisonous people in your life- your dad is lucky you don't press charges. He is hiding behind the fear of his family and that makes his a truly pathetic, small man.

x

Mrs. Macaroon,

You always think that you will get support over something so horrid and I think it adds so much unhappiness when you don't. My father doesn't see my children either but my mother comes once a week. My eldest is 17 now anyway.

It has taken me many many years to get to a point where I am able to begin dealing with all this - the shame and guilt is very hard. I admire the fact you were able to confront your family as it isn't something I have been able to do in the past. Both my parents have been abusive in different ways. I wonder whether incest is such a taboo that noone can think about it.

I once told a boyfriend what had happened to me and he said he could understand fathers being attracted to their daughters - not the reaction I was hoping for. My brother has said that what happened to me is nothing to do with him and also that he hoped I wouldn't cause any unpleasantness when he got married. I see him rarely as his reaction hurt me very much. I fail to understand how my mother can stay with my father knowing what she knows. I wouldn't even if I knew years later

I wouldn't press charges partly as I couldn't bear talking about what happened in public and personally I am not seeking revenge. I am more pissed off about how it has affected me emotionally but am dealing with that.

Melanie- I have a friend who was in a similar position growing up and had a tough time dealing with it. Her end result was being cut off from her entire family with no support...I asked her advise before confronting my family and she said 'bear in mind that people CAN'T DEAL WITH THIS...it's too big a thing for them to conceive of and in turn they can't deal with you'...having confronted and dealt with their weird reactions (like your brother, my brother also came out with some nonsense about it being 'common for there to be a sexual tension between father and daughter'- eh?), my mum's 'you've always been a drama queen' and my sister's 'i'll just let you and mum get on with it' (emmm- thanks), I see now what my friend meant.

It is one of those things that people can't get their heads around but when it happens to you, you HAVE to get your head around it...you have no choice. This is something I tried to explain to people who couldn't understand. I was a CHILD and this happened TO me, I didn't initiate anything or participate in anything. He was supposed to make me feel safe and instead made me feel on my guard and constantly aware of myself and my body...mothers are supposed to protect their children, not put their warped relationship first.

I suppose if it's not you that it's happened to, it's easier to just push it to the back of your head and the victim is a reminder of that thing that they don't want you to think about.

I couldn't press charges either and I understand exactly where you're coming from...you have to do everything in your own time.

I have a question- with grown up children (mine are 2.5 and I'm 5 days overdue with number 2!), how has this affected you as a parent? That's my main worry...

x

don't want you to think about

My children, both girls are 11 and 17. When I was pregnant with my first daughter her father left me (didn't want the responsibility). I was vaguely aware of a pattern of relationships not working (I wonder why?) and I also bought a book about coping as a single parent. One of the authors had said that she decided to have therapy rather than have her baggage affect her child. This resonated for me and I started therapy when she was 5 months old. For one reason and another I have had therapy ever since (I have also trained as a counsellor and it is a requirement) and it has helped me enormously. I don't think I would be married now if I hadn't gone down this route. I think as a result I am a far better mum than I would have been without and it has helped me to separate my issues so that they are not impacting on my daughters (not to say that I am perfect however!). They seem well balanced and secure - a lot more than I was growing up anyway. It works for me.

What are you particularly worried about? Confronting what has happened to you is a huge step I think.

However, it has taken me many years to begin to deal with my feelings about my abuse, my poor husband has had to tolerate a lot!

Melanie Klein was a psychoanalist who did a lot of work with children and early development - probably why I chose it!

Interesting... I've had some therapy (about 5 sessions before confronting to give me a bit more strength) but can't afford to do it regularly unfortunately...tried to get some on the NHS but doc palmed me off with a card for 'Incest Survivors'. I think I should probably go back and insist on a referral...with your experience, would you recommend I do that?

My main worry is that I unwittingly expose my DD to abuse, even though it's all out in the open now, I still worry. I also worry that I'll pass on my neurosis onto her as I cab be a bit over-protective. She's actually a really confident wee girl and has had no problems fitting in at playschool twice a week but I don't want her to have a complex on my behalf.

I also worry that she doesn't have many people around her now that our extended family is depleted...my DH's family are a similar nightmare and he has recently stopped seeing them also (it's been a very traumatic pregnancy!) and they had no real interest in my DD anyway. She has a close relationship with my mum but i don;t want to have a relationship with her anymore so she comes and collects her once a week and takes her swimming and lunch, drops her off, we have a polite 5 minute chat and that's that... Even that amount of contact brings everything to the surface for me and I only do it so that they can maintain their relationship. I worry that when she's older she'll ask why she never goes out with us together or why she doesn't see her grandpa.

That's my biggest concern- how do you explain that to a child...?

I know what you mean about offloading on your DH by the way... sometimes I just rant at him and he just absorbs it. It's had an affect on him too- good and bad. He's confronted his own childhood abuse as a result but started smoking again with the stress! He's since given up though thankgod.

I spent years 'putting-aside' everything that happened in our family and presenting the view of a happy family to the outside world (at least in my mothers eyes). It wasn't until I cut my family from my life (almost 8 years ago) that I was finally able to move on and put all the crap behind me. It's not easy to do, but it might be the only way forward.