Please help

[Marleyq]

I have just found on my husbands phone login details for some Milfy dating website. I’m absolutely heart broken. Been together nearly 14 years, I really didn’t think he was a man capable of it like sleezy pervy typical men. I confronted him he’s said he did it a while ago while we were having a rough patch he can lash out a bit when we aren’t in a good place. Before I told him I knew I did check it and I didn’t see any communicating on it or anything trying to arrange dates ect. Just seems like he had signed up. I don’t know what to do. I feel like a sap if I just let him get away with it but at the same time do I chuck 14 years away for that 1 thing

Oh it’s not you chucking away the 14 years, he’s already done that.

I give him everything, affection attention. We have a great sex life. So why would he feel the need to do that, bad place or not.

do I chuck 14 years away for that 1 thing

It’s unlikely it’s just ‘that one thing’. Otherwise what a coincidence you’ve happened upon the one thing. I don’t mean to be negative, but if he’s the type of man to do that then he’s the type of man to do that. I wouldn’t be interested in a relationship with someone who thinks it’s appropriate to use that as a coping mechanism (and I don’t even believe that’s the case, I think he likely simply wanted to and then had to come up with an excuse).

You haven’t chucked anything away. He has.

I don’t know what to do I’ve been with him half my life, we have a child together. I don’t want to be on my own 😢 I don’t know how to be without him.

Do you think he just had a look or actually did anything? Looking isnt ideal but its not a dealbreaker.

You have a little rough patch and his answer is to immediately join a fuck buddy website?

He is not the man you thought he was.

I know I’m disgusted. I’m pretty sure he just looked. I checked every bit of the account when I found it there was no messages no likes no matches or whatever

Well you dont seem to want to walk away. Look upon it as a type of pornography, more exciting because its real. I assume this is a dating website not a escort site?

Obviously this has just happened so take a breath. Nothing needs to be decided straight away. You both need to clear your heads and then sit and have a proper conversation about this. Then you can decide what to do.
The fact that he can ‘lash out’ under difficult circumstances is concerning though.

Yeh you’re right but I don’t want to be a mug either. Yeh it’s a dating website but quite explicit so yeh I guess more like porn. I’m a lot younger than him, by lashing out I don’t mean physically, he just seems to do things in retaliation to feeling insecure. I’m not making excuses for him though it’s just something I’ve noticed. He’s got some issues with confidence he’s extremely shy so I doubt he would ever follow through with anything but then maybe I don’t know him as well as I though

I did this once. Random pop up advert came up while I was on a slightly dodgy site (pirating TV shows, nothing pervy), and I got nosy.

Signed up with a throwaway email address and a fake name, clicked on a couple of profiles, tried to work out how the site was making money etc., whether these people were even real or if it was all a scam. I didn't contact anyone, "like" anything. Didn't upload a photo or profile etc.

I wasn't going through a rough patch with DP or anything, I wasn't looking to have an affair. It just piqued my curiosity so I had a nose. I met DP before internet dating was really a thing, so I suppose I just wondered how it worked.

I've just checked my saved passwords in my browser. It's in there. I imagine if DP spotted it she'd be a somewhat annoyed, but I'd feel rather aggrieved if I lost a 17 year relationship over 5 minutes of being nosy one day.

Thanks for your input, good to hear from another perspective. That does sound likely but I’m worried I’m believing what I want to believe lol. Oh and your welcome for the heads up 😂

I have been with my husband over 18years we have had bumps along the way nothing awful but general life problems.
We now have a very disabled son with severe learning disabilities life is impossible I won't get into details but it is really miserable and we are our housebound.

My husband left this morning he said he can longer be unhappy, packed suitcase and everything. He has now come home and I asked if I could check his phone first, I'm very insecure I have had to give up any social life and career and my dad was abusive so I do have trust issues I just needed reassurance as he has been over friendly with a female at work all ok but just texting a lot.

He said I was being completely unreasonable and no woman would ask such a thing, I said out marriage will be over if you don't let me look he said so be it.

He has now deleted everything and it's completely meaningless now, please help I don't want to be weak was I unreasonable to ask such a thing?

You need to start a new thread, Weetabix. Your query will get lost here.

You’re not being unreasonable at all, he should show you his phone to put your mind at ease. Hes probably hiding something to refuse to show you. My husband has never stopped me looking at his phone, whether thats because he is really good at hiding things apart from this one time, or it genuinely was a one time mistake he made. Sorry your going through this.

I decided to try and forgive him and get over it, it’s not easy I am feeling very paranoid but I’ll get there eventually. I have warned him though if I find anything like this again then we will be over no matter how much it hurts, and asked him that if he’s not happy ever then just leave me rather than do things behind my back.

I'm really sorry for posting on your thread I don't find this an easy site to use but it's nice to hear others views. It's not as easy talking to family or friends as it can change opinions.

I have also decided to forgive, I think men are very wired differently to us (not making excuses) and it can make it hard at times. It's good to try and move forward. It is hard if you have insecurities and paranoia, I would hate to be blind sighted. I found it has really helped us if I just state black and white my worries rather than let think fester inside. I would be very hurt if my husband looked at such a sight but I think of you state your boundaries and he keeps to them then it's good to try and forgive.

Sending you lots of strength

You have to do what feels right for you, i personally wouldnt be able to let it go if he didnt let me see his phone. Yeh dont be a push over exactly what im trying to tell myself. Hopefully they love us enough to not make the same mistake again