Hard to forgive wife

[SnappyPlumOtter]

Hi. My wife had an affair and very hard to forgive her , is there any hope?
We have been married a long time, and have 2 children now left home. We have had a very close marriage upto the affair.
She met the guy who worked in the same place and we had a few arguments about him as little things didn't add up ( a long story) she assured me I was going paranoid. A few friends also actually told me there was affair ....I didn't believe them at the time.
Then I found out she was messaging him on a burner phone. She then dropped the bombshell she wanted him and we were over.
Our kids were still home then , but she asked me to leave and moved him in.
They live together for just over 3 months.
I pretty much broke down as always saw her as my soul mate. I sofa crashed , lost my job, finances shredded as happens in separation.
Then one day he was thrown out and that was the end of that. She begged for me to come back. And I know it was wrong but I did really just for the kids sakes.
As a result of all this she lost her kids respect and has never been close to them since. She lost her job. She lost pretty much her entire friend circle, the ones that remained keep her at arms length.
This is going back 8 years. We still live together. I can not forgive or forget. To me she is a different person to my used to be soul mate. She is soooʻ apologetic and we try to avoid the subject as it dosent end well ie arguing ( the only time we argue).we are both totally opposed to any form of counselling.
Well it's been 8 years and time hasn't healed.will it ever get better or are we just delaying the inevitable.
I'd appreciate your kind advice

@SnappyPlumOtter you have been taken for a mug . She thought the grass was greener on the other side and it wasn’t so she chose you to come back because life is easier this way financially . She doesn’t love you , otherwise she wouldn’t have got with the other guy in the first place . She was your soul mate , you wasn’t hers , because soulmates don’t do that to each other . I can’t belive you went back to her after she cheated on you , your standards must be very low and she knows it . She could probably get away with a murder and you’d still take her back after she’s done you dirty . Sorry this is the truth . And her sorrys don’t even matter anymore . Sometimes in life there is no coming back from this . Once the trust and love is broken ,it will rarely ever fix it self! She’s using you to have an easier life . If she found someone else today , someone she really likes , she would do the same thing she did 8 years ago . No doubt .

After eight years, surely you have your answer? It isn't magically going to change in year 9.

God this is awful OP, she sounds a piece of work. I'm sure you'd eventually be happier on your own.

Thankyou. So much what you say I know to be true. Good to hear from someone else

Thankyou

we are both totally opposed to any form of counselling.
Well it's been 8 years and time hasn't healed.will it ever get better

How is it going to get better if neither of you are willing to work on it.

Why are you both opposed to counselling? A neutral third party could help you both to move forward.

You either need to fix things or break up because the status quo in untenable. If you can’t forgive her then move on.

When my uncle had an affair my aunt was told in counselling that if you can’t get over it then you have to get over them and that’s always stuck with me.

Sk it’s a case of if you can’t move on together you have to walk away as in your case it will just continue to fester.

She’s made her bed - you need to do what’s right for you now.

It generally takes around 3 years to get over a betrayal like that, if you're still not over it in 8 then something is very wrong. Instead of avoiding talking about it you need to go over it and over it and over it until you don't have any more to say - either with a counsellor (probably the best idea if you always end up arguing) or without. You can't just repress everything, pretend it didn't happen and hope it someday goes away.

Once you have done that hopefully you will either be willing to forgive on the basis that you understand why it happened, why things are different now and what you are both going to do to work on things. Or you will come to the conclusion that the trust is gone forever and the relationship is over and you can work out how things will move forward from there with the children and finances.

It's time to call it a day, op, you've wasted enough time already. Don't move out, and get yourself to a solicitor as soon as humanly possible. If your finances are joint in any way, take your money out and put it in an account she can't access.

Try counselling, and also whole family counselling.

If you end up moving forward more happily it will be worth it and also if you are able to forgive then your children should be helped to forgive too.

If you don't wish to help then leave for good. Be nice to each other but separate.

Thankyou everyone I know what I need to do .
Counselling is out as she point blank refuses to talk even with me about it and has said no to it a ton of times . I would find it difficult but not impossible I guess.
I actually feel more sorry for her then have feelings for her as she's been totally destroyed by the whole thing. She's the talking point still by everyone in our local town. She will always be known as that women. No real friends anymore. She was earning 80k a year in a professional job . Her employer came to see me at the time and told me he was firing her and to check I was OK. ( there was some kind of non relationship with staff clause, I don't know the details) plus the guy she hooked up with was married too with 4 children , but his wife was one of the bosses relatives. He ended up divorced and now remarried.
Our children were the laughing stock at school , you know how mean kids can be. They only send me birthday cards presents etc but blanks hers.
She's at such a low point in life and can't go much lower. She's incredibly over bearing with me but I think I'm all She's got nowadays.
However as an earlier poster said I'm pretty sure if she got the opportunity again she would take it as a route out of the disaster at least
What a mess the whole thing is

Sounds like she's not willing to take responsibility for what she has done so of course you still feel this way after 8 years, not only has she had an affair but also refuses to make genuine amends for it.
Don't waste any more time on her, perhaps get some therapy for yourself to help work out how to dissolve this marriage on your terms and recover after being treated so badly.

I would try to make sure you are confident enough to not be persuaded by any emotional pleas she demonstrates when the time comes to talk about divorce, she is manipulative and you can't trust her.

OP you deserve to be happy and loved. You are neither. Take ownership for your own future and build a new life for yourself away from her. Make an appointment with a solicitor to determine how the assets are best split. Then file for divorce. She can't stop this. Move on. Your grown up children will understand as they know she doesn't love you. Life is too short to live a lie. Recognise the reality. She is using you. You deserve better than that.

@@SnappyPlumOtter hey , you have no reason to have to feel sorry for her to be honest , she had everything , YOU , KIDS , HOME , and she is the ONE and ONLY who decided to ruin it all for herself , she made this decision not YOU . She should be very ashamed of what she did , and specially because (in her head) the amazing new relationship didn’t pan out the way she hoped for . She and only she put herself into this mess , she thought she’s clever doing it , and now her world turned upside down for a 3 months worth of romantic shiny new guy . Let’s imagine If this other relationship ended up going well , you’d be out of the picture years ago and she would have never begged you back . So basically you have been the second choice in all of this .
But I really do feel sorry for you for these reasons :

1. you have taken her back after she cheated on you , and she can’t even be bothered to put any effort in to go councelling to fix the mess she caused.
2. you had to go through this horrible and painful loss and heartache for 3 months , while she had exiting fun elsewhere , and she’s not wanting to do ALL that is possible in the power to show you that it really was a stupid mistake , which is another sigh that she really really doesn’t even respect you anymore . She doesn’t do anything to show you that she will do anything to make it right . Her words alone mean jack shit. Actions speak louder than words .
3. she’s taking you for granted ,for emotional support and financial support , because she lost almost everyone else , so it’s better to have someone at least , rather than no one at all in her eyes . I could never trust her anymore , she cheated on you before she told you it was over . you said she doesn’t want to talk about this subject , well ofcourse she won’t because she’s guilty as fuck . So she should be . And lastly , her being in this low low frame of mind is another reason you are better off alone . She created this mess and now you have to support her emotionally and take on the burden of her dirty past that the full village knows about 🙄😬 I’d run for the hills … You deserve so much more OP , honestly . She knows that she won’t have to go to councelling because she knows that there is no way you are going to break up with her over something like this , you took her back after cheating which is million times worse , so she’s most likely not even afraid to lose you over just by not going councelling with you . Basically she’s checked out emotionally and she’s waiting for another great opportunity to leave you again .

Why keep throwing your life away? Divorce and enjoy life.

I'm so sorry this happened to you.

As far as she is concerned absolutely and unequivocally fuck her, she is a piece of shit. She needs to get out of your life and never come back.

hmm🤔

In your situation, if you are financially able to leave and buy another property, then i would leave or ask her to leave.

The consequence of what she did is game over for the two of you, but cheaters have a sense of entitlement, that doesn’t just play out when they think they can shag whoever they want without consequences, but also believe they can have things however they want, when they want it. Sadly she has learned that that isn’t the case, with the loss of your bond with her, kids and family/friends bond, reputation, job etc. I couldn’t stay with a cheat for precisely this reason, I’d no longer trust them, the connection would never be the same, would lead to arguments and toxic dynamic, and just perpetuate the pain. To get over her you must be away from her and it sounds like you are already emotionally
disconnecting anyway. She did this, not you. Find happiness with someone decent and loyal

I can just about understand someone having a bit of a thing with someone else, people can’t help it apparently 🙄 but to ask you to leave your house and bring the other idiot in to live with your kids?! That’s off the scale. The other thing that’s a bad sign is the refusing counselling, if she had any explanation she’d want to explore it and explain, however guilty she is, she knows she’s rotten through and through where you’re concerned and doesn’t want that highlighted by someone to you.

Is this really the life you want to live? You have no obligation towards her any more. Leave, focus on building better relationships with your children. Make a nice life for yourself..

OP, l don't understand why you went back when you discovered her affair...or that you left your home in the first place! She should have been the one to go but you facilitated her.
You are still not happy after 8 years and with good reason, she treated you appallingly.
Now is the time to gain some self respect and tell her its over. Don't move out, see a solicitor and start divorce proceedings, you have wasted enough time already.
Her refusal to have any kind of joint counselling would be the last straw for me and clearly shows that she is still not prepared to face up to what she did to you and the children. You will never recover whilst you stay with her.

8 years is a long time .

Time to talk and tell her you cannot forgive her.
It's ok even after all these years to decide you can't make the pain and memories go away.

Why won’t you go to counselling? It will clear the air and will help if you are staying together and help if you are splitting up also.

This isn’t working.