those of you whose marriages almost ended and decided to mend it

[TLV]

whats the best advice you can give, going through trying to mend my marriage (dh is living separately) had a bit of a row yesterday which we got through thankfully, however in amongst it all I actually said that I wasn't sure I wanted to work things out which shocked the hell out of him and got him upset but that was how i felt in the middle of the row, having days when I miss him days when I'm glad he isn't here, we go to relate again in a week which we have admitted we are both looking forward too, I even had the "i love you" from him last week and things are improving. He is only renting for 6mths but doesn't envisage being in there that long however there are times when I wish he was back here now, I sort of think that we need to be back together properly in order to work out the issues (we only have 4 relate sessions as they are free through GP) I think he feels pressured when i mention him moving back in earlier. What was the thing that worked best for others and I know each relationship is different, dh didn't have an affair and there was no violence, I'm just really wanting to know what worked for others really tia

similar to you. Best thing was a fresh start, no resentment, forgiveness and expressions of love.

Will talk more privately if you want.

how similar BBBee or would you rather not discuss, can understand if you don't

seperation, noo violence, no affairs, got back together after he worked some stuff through. Two years on and going strong.

Don't pressure him to move back in but say this is your home and when you come back i will be there.

Don't make every meeting you have about working the stuff out - too intense. Sometimes you need to do somethings fun and not discuss it - create good times.

Ask him what he needs from you - what's one thing just then you can do that will make him happy. then do it - even if it doesn't make sense to you.

Also fresh start - a job abroad came up and we moved. built a new life here

When things are better - don-t go on about it all the time. Took me 18 months to get over it properly and really trust it was going to be OK - I cried a lot to start with, then occasionally. Now we are stronger than before it happened.

2 years ago for us too. Blimey, time has gone quick!

pS I thought he needed to be bak to work on it properly but with hindsight the most important thing for him was he came back when he was ready. We were at relate in Feb / Mar he came home end of May

Agree with Newbie. My DH and I went through a really rough patch a year ago and got to separation stage.
We talked, screamed, cried, argued and finally just stopped.....
stopped blaming, stopped talking about it all the time, stopped finding reasons to be apart, stopped using excuses to put each other down.
We both took time to think how different it would be to be apart permanently and how we would feel if the other was never in our lives again.
We are stronger and more loving now than ever and we try not to let outside influences ruin our happiness (this was a key problem area)
Wishing you lots of luck, love and patience.

TVL he has made the desicision to move out and only he can make it to come back.

I feel you dont like the not being in control bit of it. It is hard to get on with your life until you a bit more certain. For whatever reason he cannot give you any guarentee he will be there for you in the future and i think that is going to be a hard one for you.

Try and concentrate on you and how happy you are without him and he will see that and when he feels ready he will want to come back . I agree you must not try too hard to sort it out - you will feel so much better when he comes home of his own will and really wants to be there.

Make you the best you can and make each day the best you can for you and your dc.

My h has been back just over a year and i still do feel a bit nervous about the future. But i know i cant control it so i try and get on with the day to day things and live each day at a time. Things are getting better and he finds it easier to plan things which gives me re-assurance that he is here for the long haul.

Good luck.

dear tlv
me and hubby seperated 2 months ago and waiting to start relate,i needed space from the arguing and neverending stress when it all goes wrong
sometimes you just have to have some time apart to see what the problems are.i have to admit enjoying being alone sometimes and other times missing him intensley.he had to stay at his parents for a while which has been worse for him in some ways.
he has finally got a job and taking responsibility at last so we have resovled some issues at last.its been nice to spend quality time together with us all as a family again ,we have 3 kids,and its been nice to have dates and go out as a couple again we havent done any of these things for years.
have some HOT dates together and learn to enjoy each others company again and goodluck hope it all gets back on track for you x

We went to Relate and eventually reconciled (after a few mths apart) and with a lot of effort to be extra nice to each other, understanding, compassionate and caring - and not to throw the past back in each other's faces - we worked things out. Our relationship is better now than it has ever been. We are a hell of a lot nicer to each other.

Thank goodness you have posted TLV - felt I was going mad being willingly seperated from my hubby but still missing him like mad at times. Only one meeting with Relate so far and not much commitment from hubby to book another - "when I've got time" was his response. I am going again though.

we've already been apart 6mths and only in the last 1 1/2mths are trying to patch it up, I just feel very insecure at times and this is because he was the one who initiated the split so its always in the back of my mind what if he does it again, its just really difficult at times when he isn't here and I'm missing him and I feel alone.

Its nice to hear some positive posts tho and fedup hope your dh goes back to relate with you

I think tvl you somehow have to work on you and not be so insecure about him leaving again. The only way forward will be to have a clean slate and forget what happened in the past (eaier said than done i know). You cannot ever stop it happening again all you can do is put your trust in h and know that if it does you will cope and have given him every chance to come back and never have to ask yourself 'what if'.

If (when) he comes back he will know that is what he wants - but you will not know for sure (you will be looking for the reason why - is it the children or is it really me he wants?). Somehow you will have to accept that it is for you and then move on from there without giving him a hard time to try and prove to you it is what he wants - if that makes sense?

I know from your previous posts how much you want him back - but all the wanting in the world will not bring him back - make sure you are happy whatever happens - and only you can do that for yourself.

thank you for the advice HW you still talk sense as I do need to work on me and my insecurities, tbh he thinks things are going well and I suppose to some degree they are again its my insecurities that are the problem.

When reading a lot of posts in this section it really surprised me to find that a lot of people are experiencing or have experienced very similar problems, relate really needed to be shouted about because regardless of what would have happened the counsellor was great such a shame the waiting lists are so long