Messing up, can't move on from abusive marriage

[NotReallySure]

Really struggling this week, I left a horrible marriage 2 years ago. Ex is still being as controlling and nasty as possible. He has the kids 50/50 which breaks my heart but legally I can't fight it. I have a wonderful new relationship with an amazing man but I'm messing it up. I just can't relax, let me guard down and be myself. I feel boring, I didn't realise how much my marriage has made me lose myself. I used to be fun, have a silly side and be outgoing. Now I feel like I'm too afraid to be myself. I just don't want to mess this up but I can't relax. Anyone else been there? I'm having counselling from women's aid, and I have spoken a bit about it to my partner, but I don't want to be that needy girlfriend who constantly needs reassurance, I just want to enjoy this.

The thing is, a lot has happened and is still happening, so you are “needy” - not deliberately, not in an attention-seeking or dramatic way, but just simply because you have extra needs at the moment. You have trauma from your last relationship, and the ongoing stress of your ex’s continued abusive behaviour. If a partner doesn’t have the capacity or patience to support you with that, then maybe they’re not the one for you right now. But if they are willing and able to support your healing, don’t turn them away, just because you feel like they shouldn’t have to be supportive!

Thanks for your response. That does help put it in perspective a bit. I think I'm so used to managing on my own it's a bit of an alien concept that someone doesn't mind me leaning on them for support.

In what way is he being nasty and abusive?

Why are you angry about him having 50/50?

I absolutely know how that feels. I have various chronic illnesses, which can also affect my mental health, and I have bouts of feeling very guilty about how much work that means for my DH. But he knew about it from the start, and he’s a very nurturing person who actually enjoys looking after other people.

So I have three rules for myself:

• make sure I do what I can for myself whenever possible;
• be aware of what DH needs so that I can support him in return - I can’t do much physical stuff, but can take a lot of the mental work off his plate;
• try very hard not to get into a funk about leaning on him for support, since this only affects my mental health, which ultimately makes his life harder too!

Not everyone is built for a relationship where their partner regularly needs extra support and understanding. That’s okay - it doesn’t make them a bad person. But you’re not a bad person either for needing extra support. And you do need it; there’s no point trying to hide or avoid that. There are men out there who are naturally nurturing and caring, who will gladly offer that support. If it looks like you’ve found one of those, take him at his word, and see where the relationship goes.

I wish you and your children health and happiness. What you’ve done is brave and so, so hard. Whatever happens with this new relationship, remember that you have the same right to be treated with respect and kindness as anyone else. Your ex may have made you forget that. Take care.

How long have you been with your new partner? Is it a very new relationship?

About 8 months now, and he's very supportive and now aware of past relationship etc. It's becoming serious and I feel I need to open up more or I'll just push him away/get moody. But it's also like my time with him is a complete break away from all the other shit, so it's been nice to keep it separate in a way.

I'm not angry, just upset as I was the main carer for my kids and he forced 50/50 on them when they weren't ready. I wanted to have them 70/30 initially and work up to 50/50 as they adapted. My youngest was pre school and I worked part time so it made sense. He was literally willing to pay more childcare so I didn't have them more than him.
He's talking me down to them, "mum wanted this", "Dad is poor now as mum left" (he's not), being manipulative and currently trying convince lawyers that me not working much to stay home with the kids was lazy and that I'm not entitled to any money from him. I've not had a penny from him and he's still in our home with all our furniture etc. I'm scraping together what I can but he's just manipulating the system and drawing it out. Last I heard he's trying to accuse my mum of abusing the kids.

I do not think that 50/50 is unfair, mine were teens when we split so pretty independent but had we split when they were younger I would also have wanted 50/50 (although not to the extent I would have to pay childcare to do that) - I suppose the question is, is he doing it because he wants them or just to spite you?

We went through some tough periods with both of us saying stuff we shouldnt but that passed. I do think an element of that is natural in many splits. And yes, both of us are poorer now than we were due to 2 houses etc.. and the kids know that. Both of us wanted 'the best deal' for each of us but were also realistic and wanted to minimise bills so we agreed all of it ourselves. I had manipulation as the plan for kids we agreed, did not work with her new relationship and so I got 'punished' for not changing it - we could both get angry easily with the other.

Is there any way that you both can get together and say look, we are going to end up spending 10k on legal fees when we could get away with 2k, why cant we agree stuff nicely for that sake and the kids sake? I initially backed down a bit and once I did, she did too. But it does take two of you to see the light?

Just to be clear, 50/50 is fine now, but he was doing it to spite me and the kids were unhappy with it. He's not worse off at all and is currently on a holiday abroad with them. He has a hx of physical and emotional abuse (me, not them) but nothing I can prove so it's not just tit for tat. I haven't said anything about this to them as don't want to upset them but saying nasty things about their dad. He's not a man you can negotiate with, I've tried. He refuses mediation. Just keeps arguing with my lawyer, he doesn't have one so it's only costing me money, not him. He's not reasonable and can't see he's making this tough on the kids. This really wasn't what I'm asking with my original post, so not really helpful discussing my past relationship, just wanting moral support on dealing with the outfall from this in a new relationship.

@FloydPink sounds like a very different situation to mine and not really what I was asking. Be great if it was that simple.