Husband had affair: meeting with solicitor tomorrow - what do I need to ask?

[Wills]

Hi,

The title sort of says it all. My dh of 26 years of marriage, 34 together doesn't love me enough anymore. Have been on before and almost 6 weeks on am heartbroken, but I'm not going to beg him to love me etc and I must move on. Have found a good solicitor but they're so expensive! Now I need to know what questions to ask.

At the moment I'm not actively seeking divorce but I've been a SAHM for many years (3 of our 4 kids are on the autistic spectrum) so I'm worried about monies. I think I want a legal separation, but I don't really understand what that is. I just want to know my future is ok. Our youngest is 14.

All ideas greatly received. Many thanks

Your solicitor won’t be able to answer any questions without you giving the requisite information.

you need to go with details of all your liabilities, assets, property, pensions…

if you’ve been a SAHM for a long time, it’s likely you will be entitled to spousal maintenance as well as child maintenance.

hard to give any advice without knowing your situation. Best thing to do is to take as much info of your financial situation as possible.

Don't hurry into anything. Take your time and think about what you want.
Divorce is a lot more straightforward than it used to be, but the financial aspect is going to be more complicated and will take longer to resolve.
Hopefully your DH is a high earner and will be able to support you all.

My dh is a high earner and I suspect that's partly what's attractive about him to the other woman!

Have already supplied as much financial info as I can.

I’m sorry this is happening to you. Painful. And I’ve been there.

I found a book by Shirley Glass - Not just friends - really helpful in moving on from it. My dh and I decided to stay together but it was not at all easy I wish you well

DH told me last week he regretted it and wanted me back but wont do anything to show me that he still loves me. That he still cares I have no doubt, that he's frightened of a future that suddenly doesn't have me in I also have no doubt, I just question whether he actually loves me and despite it hurting like hell at the end of the day I would rather be on my own that constantly questioning whether I'm enough for him.

Try to go with a list of questions. Maybe Google for ideas.
You’ll need to consider:
the divorce itself (usually quite simple)
childcare split
the initial financial split eg assets/pension etc
ongoing financial support via child maintenance and spousal maintenance (also think about what might be extra to this that you both need to financially contribute to)

You need to think about where you are going to live, who will be living with you, and how you are going to fund that into and during retirement age.

You are paying for advice so he/she should be able to give you an idea of what you should expect to get. Why are you not seeking a divorce?

I’ve not got my head around divorce. Mad isn’t it! I always thought I’d be the kind of woman that bars the doors and throws his clothes out of the window but reality is so much harder than that. I suspect that deep down I”m vaguely hoping he’ll have an epiphany and decide he can’t be without me, which is totally stupid of me. My head tells me one thing but my heart just hurts. Separation feels slower and would give me time to recover and move on. But my head knows it’s over, just need my heart to harden.

When XDH and I split many years ago when you had to wait two years for no fault divorce we put a separation agreement in place so what we’d agreed for financial split, children etc was formally recognised before the divorce. It gave us a bit of structure. Maybe explore something like that if you aren’t rushing to divorce.

I’m guessing your earning capacity is low and you may not have any pension provision of your own, so you need to make sure your long term future is protected. Are your children likely to be able to live independently in the future?

I don’t really understand what you mean by ‘legally separating’ and not starting that divorce process though.

that’s a bad idea as the longer it takes to sort out division of assets, the more the financial landscape can change.

you need to start the process of getting a financial order so he has to declare all of his assets at this point in time. Otherwise things can get moved… or hidden. Especially if he knows divorce is on the cards some day but the legal obligation to disclose his assets isn’t in place.

apply for the decree nisi and fill out your form A :)

this is very much going to be dependent on the ages of all your children, and their care needs going on, as well as the custody split (although this would likely only apply to your youngest child). As others have suggested, get your paperwork in order.

As for him coming back... he may very well ask to do so, beg even. But my experience of those that cheat is that he will eventually look outside the marriage again unless the underlying causes for the affair(s) is addressed.

I totally agree and have said that we’d have to go to marriage guidance counselling as a minimum. He wont do that so I am heading to solicitor’s today. I can accept that things weren’t great (though I had zero idea they were as bad as that) but I need him to want to change and he’s showing no desire to do that which means we need to split.

I think that's a wise move, especially if he doesn't want to talk about the marriage.

Snooze and you lose financially.

Actually that’s spot on though that’s a long way from what was actually said! The longer I leave it the more things could change and the older my kids get etc. I’m in a stronger position now than I will be in in 5 years time.

Cannot add any more info about the solicitor but just wanted to say, after such a long marriage, what an idiot he is.

Some people recommend coming to a binding financial agreement sooner rather than later whilst they’re still feeling guilty and before OW starts influencing them re. money

My thoughts exactly and sort of what solicitor said!

Are all your children going to be able to live independently and get jobs etc? If not, it’s very important that you have a secure home and maintenance arrangements put in place. I don’t think a legal separation means anything - surely it’s better to have some idea of your financial future and if you need to move now, rather than in a few years?

Given how he still keeps calling me his best friend and that he still wants to retire with me you couldn’t be more right! As midlife crises go I’d have much preferred a Porsche or Harley Davidson!

Which is what the solicitor persuade me. Two are fully dependent on me and will be legally for another 6.5 years. I’m better off financially moving now.

I know it sounds harsh OP but you ultimately need to think about your future and your children's future. Securing a legally binding financial settlement and divorcing now will give you security and stability for the future. Is it likely there is an OW waiting in the wings who is likely to drip poison in his ear about finances...think about yourself and your children because you can't rely on him.

You said that your youngest DC is 14, I think child maintenance usually stops at 18. If I were you, I’d file for divorce as quickly as possible!

Do any of your DCs get DLA or other disability support? (You don’t need to answer me. I’m asking this because it may strengthen your case towards getting spousal maintenance if you cannot get a job in the future due to caring responsibilities)

F