Not sure if I love him

[Swimintheocean]

I’m a 44 year old mum of 1, and for the last 2/3 maybe more years, my feelings towards my husband have changed. We’ve been together for 24 years, married for 14, and for many years, probably until the last 5 years, I felt a little controlled. Not in the full sense, but just if I ever wanted to go out with my friends, he would pull a face/moan/go in a mood/ sometimes not speak to me for days. As he’s not very social himself, he doesn’t have any friends, and he only really goes out as a family, or just with me, but that’s just usually for a special occasion. So in my twenties I rarely saw my friends, and if I did, I would always feel on edge, like I’d say to them “I can’t stay out long” or I’d have to give him a time I would be coming home. Since I turned 40, somethings changed in me, I went to counselling (on my own) and since then, we’ve talked, a lot about how he made me feel every time I went out, and now I don’t let what he thinks bother me anymore, and I am able to enjoy many nights out, even little holidays with just my friends.
I am probably waffling a bit, but I just wanted to give an insight, as that would’ve been a perfect ending, but now I feel like I only love him as a friend. I’m not attracted to him anymore, things he does and say irritates me, and I no longer want to have sex with him, in fact I try and avoid it, and we’ve probably done it a handful of times in the past 2 years, and when we do, it’s because I feel like I have to. And it’s not the menopause (I am at that stage) that’s made me go off sex, as I fantasise about it, just not with him. I’m always thinking about splitting up, but then I doubt myself, and think is it a good enough reason to split up. And I know a lot of advice out there, says work on it, feelings come back, etc, but as I’ve said, I’ve felt like this for a number of years and not once have I felt attracted to him. Is there anyone out there who’s been in similar situations and moved past it, either staying or divorcing?

I am currently experiencing a similar situation and can empathize with your feelings of being held back. It is crucial to have an open and honest conversation with your partner to understand their perspective and assess if they share similar concerns.

Considering our limited time, it is essential to make decisions that align with our well-being and happiness. Both of you may find fulfillment with more suitable partners or embrace the freedom and independence of being single.

I am currently contemplating whether I could cope with seeing my partner happier with someone else, especially given the current challenges in our relationship. He displays limited interest in my day, primarily focusing on his work and personal experiences. When I attempt to engage in conversation, I often feel dismissed.

I recently read a comment from a woman who emphasized the importance of husbands being our cheerleaders, which resonates with my own experience.

I initiated a conversation with my partner to address these concerns, but unfortunately, he failed to acknowledge or understand my perspective, which left me feeling frustrated.

I wish you the best of luck in navigating your situation.

Hi OP, I'm not being insensitive but I believe your situation is far more common than you think

Falling out of love with a long term partner is not uncommon, or anything to be ashamed of. You've grown as a person over the years, and have found your independence. He no longer fits into your life as a romantic partner.
I think once this happens it's unlikely you'll rekindle your romance or desire for him. You should think about if you'd be happier single. Then in future you might find someone who does ignite your sexual desire. As you say, You still want sex, just not with him.
You deserve to be happy, and life is short.

I know you say you're at the stage of menopause but it's not that impacting your desire for sex.

However, I'm at the same stage and have been doing loads of research as I sometimes feel hate/resentment towards my partner.

It's not the menopause causing it - it's 100% his own actions/behaviour - so I'm not making excuses.

What I have learned is that we lose our nesting/maternal/family building hormones (I'm sure there's a more scientific name). But in short it means we have a lower tolerance for BS. I think prior to menopause were prgrammed to a be a "good" wife/mum and will overlook things to keep the family together at all costs. As this happens we also have less tolerance for BS and are less inclined to overlook things at the expense of our own happiness.
I don't mean it in a selfish way but I think this is often the stage when many women start to question what they really want in their future and start to think of themselves first for the first time in years & years