Can't leave my marriage due to my 10 year old daughter

[Trappedanddepressed39]

Been with husband 20 years. First 10 ok partly because we hardly spent time together due to work patterns, social life etc
Things changed once we had children , then covid happened which changed our family set up completely, we were now together 24/7.
We are both at fault in some ways and have grown apart. We have different parenting styles, different opinions on the world, totally different personalities, and it's coming up to 5 years now where I have been so desperately unhappy and became almost obsessive with thinking about wanting to split, planning how to do it etc. My friends know about it, my parents know about it, my work colleagues. My husband even knows I want to split! It's almost happened a couple of times but we have stayed together.
The issue is our ten year old daughter who loves her dad to bits. She favours him really, they have a very close relationship.
If we were to split, I think she would choose to reside with her dad and that would break me. I also think he would use her against me and try to turn her against me. So I stay. And every day is torture for me.
I keep telling myself only another few years and she will be grown and I can leave. But even the thought of another month fills me with dread, let alone another few years.
Our teenage son on the other hand can't stand him!! I feel like I have wasted so many years on him and still am . My best years are going .
The stress has made me ill.

Cont.... an example of why i know its the end, we are currently abroad and having such a rubbish time! Don't speak to each other, don't share a bed, all other families having lots of fun together, we sit in silence. Kids are fully aware of the situation which makes me feel awful.
I now work term time , so have the whole summer off but husband is at home 24/7 so it's just a horrible atmosphere all the time!!
My family member has a holiday home I take the children too in the UK, that is my sanctuary and without being able to go there for a few days I really don't know how I would get through the summer

Just get your ducks in a row and leave OP. You say yourself even your kids know you are all miserable, it’s an awful atmosphere for anybody to live in, nobody will thank you for waiting an extra few years and truthfully OP she’s 10 so if you’re waiting for her to be “grown” then you’ve got another what 8 years until she’s a “proper” adult but even then she’ll likely not be independent and still living at home.

If you can’t do it for yourself then do it for your kids, don’t let them grow up spending their summer holidays sat in hostile silence.

I could have written nearly all of your post op. I feel very similarly to you. I am conscious of families having fun together. We tend to take the children out on an individual basis and I prefer this as it avoids the awkardness you speak of.

I have similar age dc as well. 10 is a right in the middle kind of age. Too long to wait though until adulthood and preserve sanity. I can't give you any advice as I am battling with this also and I know how difficult it is.

Others are right. I think it is better for the dc not to experience this kind of atmosphere etc. However, things aren't always this clear cut with other factors in the mix. I am getting my ducks in a row without a doubt but it is a slow, slow process. Unlike you, I don't have family to confide in. A few close friends know but I feel really isolated with this at times. It certainly doesn't feel authentic.

The summer holidays are making things even worse. We are all thrown together now as similar working pattern to you. I am making the best of it but it can feel excruiatingly painful at times. It's no way to live but I understand how you have arrived at this predicament. I have anxiety about dynamics with the dc also if the situation were to change. It's the main thing keeping me here.

Thanks for posting. I'm sure there will be many more posters who will come along and say LTB and I suspect you like me know we would feel much happier in doing so. It is just so difficult with dc and I understand.

OP, she would probably change her mind about staying with him after she saw what home life without you is like. If he is the kind of man to do parental alienation, he is not a good person and not a good father. He would most likely fail at it and she'd want to come back to you.
At any rate, you would probably get 50/50 custody no matter what your daughter's feelings are. She's 10. She doesn't have the wisdom to know what is in her best interest. Make sure parental alienation is strictly forbidden in your separation agreement and divorce agreement.
Don't suffer like this any longer.

Just to add, I believe that my husband would also attempt parental alienation. I absolutely strive to do the opposite. I have seen this potential side of my husband also and it is very unsettling.