Am I in the wrong?

[Nin24]

Three years ago I caught my partner messaging another woman, there's was nothing explicit per say, it was defo more the other woman putting it on my partner but they were entertaining it and talking until the early hours of the morning and talking about leaving the group of friends they were part of and going off alone etc.

This caused a big argument and from there I got over it but asked for 2 things not to happen again and that was that they didn't go on holiday together within the group and they had no one on one plans. I was ok with them going out in a group although it wasn't my fave as you can imagine.

Anyway my partner jst said 8 month ago they booked a concert with the woman in question. They admitted that it was wrong and said they would cancel. But when I've got angry about it i was basically told it was booked 8 month ago and that they aren't going so I don't need to make a big deal of something that happened 8 month ago. But my point is they knew I was uncomfortable with this. When i pointed that out they said I didn't know you had an issue and I just dont understand how that's even possible. I've been told it's pointless to argue about it and the important thing is just that moving forward the behaviour is corrected.

But this just feels so poor and clearly it was hidden and when confronted the excuses seem to be it was booked in the past, they aren't going and they didn't know I had an issue which is laughable at this stage but they just don't seem to grasp my point here and i feel like I'm going mad.

Help......any advice is welcomed, like am I going mad? is it me?

Sorry I'm confused - he's saying he booked it before you told him not to make any one on one arrangements and also he's not planning to go - is this correct? If so then I am not sure why you're angry? (Apart from the justified anger from the original transgression I suppose but you have to let that go at some point if you're planning on staying with him)

No the whole texting thing came out and I made my 2 points clear. After that, about 18 months after the first argument behind my back he booked a concert and didn't mention it until now as the concert is coming up.

Then he's bullshitting you

To be clear

2022- found messages but decided I didn't want to be controlling but just asked that he doesn't go abroad with her in a group and doesn't do any one on one plans.
2023 - he booked a concert with her and didn't speak to me about it.
2024 - he told me he booked it but will cancel and I've no right to be annoyed cause it was months ago....but obvs it's brand new information to me.

I feel like I've been reasonable by saying still go out with your friends and stuff but this just feels shady and like a kick in the teeth all things considered

@PeriIsKickingMyButt could you elaborate I mean I think I'm been reasonable. I'm jst questioning my own sanity here cause my other half doesn't seem to get my point..

So your boundary was that he didn't make any one on one plans with this woman. Can I just check that you communicated that to him? If you did and he then went ahead and booked a concert with her one on one, he is deliberately ignoring the boundary you set. That is rude, disrespectful and taking the piss. 8 months ago is neither hear nor there, he is just distracting you from the fact that he has deliberately ignored your request.

I made it clear that that was my boundary about 20 times but he said he wasn't aware that I had a problem......despite how many times I stated it. I made it crystal clear. But by saying he didn't know it was an issue and then further saying the past is the past we need to focus on the future and I'm not going. I'm a bit speechless

He sounds sneaky and I wouldn't trust him.

He's busy distracting you with 'faux' logic. I guess you need to decide if this is a deal breaker.

I know what you mean, I think it's his dismissal though that's been the biggest shock. If it was me and I'd done that I'd have just apologised and said I was dishonest I regret it and I'll correct it. Rather than denying ever knowing I had an issue and saying essentially the past is the past. It's like a double whammy

How did you find out about the concert?

You have to decide where you want to go from here.

Someone who loves and respects you, doesn't want to jeopardise the relationship and upset you. You were clear that you didn't want them to spend one on one time together and he booked tickets to do exactly that and is now trying to gaslight you.

He’s gaslighting you. He knew it was a boundary and he crossed it anyway and now he’s pretending he didn’t know it was a boundary. You’re not going mad and you’re not unreasonable. When people are gaslighted they are made to feel like their version of reality is nuts. It makes the person question themselves and allows the abuser to control the situation. He clearly has an interest in this woman and she in him. If let them get in with it and tell him where to go. You deserve better.

He is gaslighting you.

You set a boundary and were very clear about it. He didn’t respect that boundary and booked the concert anyway. You found out and he is trying to make out that you’re in the wrong for not communicating the boundary properly (which you did and he full well knows it) and he’s trying to blame you for his mistakes and convince you that you’re the one at fault.

If he’s even entertaining ideas of solo plans with this person after what’s happened in the past, he doesn’t respect you at all and I would be worried about other plans he may have had with her that you haven’t found out about if I were you.

This is the behaviour of a narcissist. You're amazed by his audacity. He doesn't understand that the apology and commitment going forward were a way of buying your silence. I will never understand how it works in their brains but that's the reality. He now feels entitled to have you leave him alone because he pandered to your tantrum and gave you what you wanted before - the previous tactics won't work again and he has no other card that he wants to play. Expect an epiphany if you try to leave or share this information in a way that he would care about.

He's pushing boundaries, being deceitful and I wouldn't trust him

It’s called gaslighting and DARVO - deny, attack, reverse the victim and offender.

He knows 💯 what he’s doing and rather than admit it he’s lying to your face and turning it back on you.

You've given him a blindly and he’s ignored it - he doesn’t respect you and this woman’s feelings are more important to him than yours it seems.

He text me and said that he wanted to check he was doing the right thing by cancelling because I'd be uncomfortable with it. Which begs the question if you don't think there's an issue why you checking. Maybe he panicked because the date was coming up. Honestly not a bloody clue.

He tried to say well you've said you don't have an issue in the past and I've said I have been very clear I don't wanna be a controlling partner and I don't want my partner to miss out on things. My preference would be they didn't go but I understand it's not so simple when in a group situation.

So they tried to sort of twist my words to say that I might of been cool with it which was a bizzare one. I also think had the concert been nearer the time they booked they'd have obvs gone but they can't seem to grasp that the fact they have cancelled is really here nor there. It's the intention for me.

In terms of moving forward I'm saying enough is enough. I've been beyond reasonable so now it's cut all contact with that person or do one.

Cause it's another shady thing with the same person and it's not good enough. It's all just been thrown in my face.

Good for you. I think you should walk away here with your dignity intact because clearly, these two are not going to give you an ounce of respect and eventually will prob hook up. Don’t be surprised to find out once you dump him that he ends up in a relationship with her. I’m so sorry this is happening to you. It’s not your fault. You’ve been more than reasonable and you deserve to be with someone who makes you their priority.

The other woman now has a partner and seems happy from what I can gather. I'm honestly not sure if there's an attraction without been shitty by standards of beauty today she certainly wouldn't be classed as attractive it just seems a bit of attention is hard for my partner to say no to.

The other woman has severe mental health problems, is near on ten years younger, has tattooed themselves all over including her face and it all looks horrific as she's not a tattoo artist. Think child let loose with a pen. Even without all that, not much to look at so it's just truly mind boggling.

I could never picture something serious there if I'm honest. Which makes it all just weirder.

Maybe he’s attracted to her personality and not her looks. Maybe he just likes the attention as you say. Either way, he’s gaslighting you and that’s abusive. It’s a major red flag. It means he thinks it’s ok to treat you like that, which it’s not.

But none of this matters. She could look like Quasimodo and have the social skills of The Grinch however he’d still trampling over your boundaries and gaslighting you.

Its a him problem you need to address not fixate on why it’s her

So he did know there was an issue, that's why he asked if he should cancel? He's completely gaslighting, he booked it hoping bearer the time you'd say 'oh go ahead as it's already booked'
I'd definitely tell him the line has moved and you no longer want him to have contact with her if the relationship is to continue. But I don't think I could trust someone like that

It's so interesting you said that because I tried to say if I did this would you be ok with it. I already know he won't in the slightest and it would cause world war 3 but his response was well if It was already booked I'd say just go but don't book anything further.....

So he's confirmed that he basically has every intention of going no matter what and was hoping to gaslight you into thinking it's ok. I wouldnt even bother with the ultimatum, I'd just dump him and tell him to go to the concert. He has no respect for your relationship and the fact you gave him a second chance.