This is my first post on here so please bear with me. I’m also dyslexic so apologies if I make any mistakes.
i have been with my husband for 10 years, there is an age gap of 20 years and this maybe relevant to my issue?? He has been married twice before and has 2 prior children (one from each marriage) both adults.
We have 2 children together ages 2&4. Hubby has always been a big personality, confident and self assured. This is what attracted me too him along with the love bombing! (I didn’t really realise at the time)
he made me feel loved and cared for and I fell for him hard. I feel the need to say he was separated when we met so there was no infidelity.
we got married 4 years ago and to be honest things weren’t perfect but I felt we were strong enough to work.
our arguments are 99% centred around sex! Always have been. Hubby has always been the leader in our relationship. I have always been ok with that in our general life situations. I won’t say controlling as I feel
that’s unfair as I have always allowed this dynamic although as I have grown older I have developed the opinion the relationship should be more balanced.
Anyway over the years sex has caused a massive issue in our relationship causing much stress. In the beginning as in most relationships we had a lot of sex. This was very exciting for hubby as he had been married for about 13 years prior and I think it had fizzled a little. Also without being crude his ex wife had 3 children in total
so I think anatomically I felt “different”
Things started off great but a few little
things cropped up that set off alarm bells like him saying that I wasn’t to ever wear clothes in bed. He found it disrespectful and apparently his ex would wear clothes when they had arguments to punish him. At the time I was blinded by how I felt about him I just went along with it.
fast forward 10 years I still go to bed with no clothes even when all I want to do is put a cosy pair of pjs on. This is not as much of as issue as sex. Hubby believes it’s my duty as his wife to fill any and all of his sexual needs.
in the beginning it wasnt much of an issue as I was happy to “put out” regularly but I quickly noticed he was rather selfish in that department and did very little to “warm me up” or ensure that I was “satisfied”
Again in the beginning I just went with it and just thought over time he would become passionate and willing towards me. HOW WRONG WAS I??!!
Dont get me wrong very rarely when we have got to the point of almost breaking up he has put a bit of effort in but not enough.
I do genuinely love hubby so have tried many things to try and get him to give me as much attention as he requires himself.
One day he told me for his special birthday he would love another woman to join us. I wasn’t offended by this and even thought he might make more effort towards me if I could arrange it. Unfortunately I couldn’t find anyone in time and he never made a big deal out of it. However did occasionally mention that he would love it to happen one day. I decided to try and look for him and he was a little more attentive towards me. To cut a long story short I did eventually find someone and it didn’t go as I had expected. I invited her round for drinks to hopefully build up a bit of excitement but in no way expected anything to happen that night as hubby was fully aware I was on my period. Well to my horror after about 20 mins my husband is on our living room floor doing the deed with the woman. I didn’t make a scene and remained polite and took her home after.
the next day I explained to hubby that I was upset that it went the way it did as hubby had always said his fantasy was to have it with me involved too. Anyway we chatted about it and I felt he responded appropriately to me and apologise that he got carried away in the moment. Unfortunately it didn’t have the effect I had hoped for and hubby still wasn’t as attentive as I had hoped when it came to our intimacy. I was getting annoyed as he’s demanding and expects me to satisfy him regularly especially when im not
in the mood. My sex drive has dropped since having the children and I feel a lot less sexy and gained weight.
anyway we row when I don’t keep him “satisfied” and he is very nasty with it. He says it affects his mental
health and refuses to work to earn money and then my life would fall apart. Hes the sole bread winner in our house and uses this all the time but in the same
breath says I can’t work as I have children to look after.
I got annoyed one day and said that we should make it even and I should experience another and him not be involved. He said ok!! I was shocked but decided to go for it. He helped me find someone and I did the deed. I won’t go into detail but this guy paid more attention to my “needs” than hubby ever has! Hubby was in the room and watched. I think in some ways he enjoyed watching. After he said although he wasn’t involved he felt an element of control as he had allowed it to happen and that he could have stopped it if he wanted to.
it was the best sex I had had in a really long time but most importantly he wasn’t selfish. I think this opened my eyes up even more that sex should be about both parties being happy and satisfied.
it’s now a month since, hubby expects be to be very attentive to him but he won’t even as much as kiss me when he’s in the mood he just expects me to get too it and sort him
out and I’m sick of it. We are currently
on holiday for a week and he has made it miserable because I have not “carried out my wife duties” however I would have but he has been so nasty to me.
i suppose my question is AIBU as I have always allowed this behaviour from him and only since having children have I challenged him. Have we done the wrong thing by looking to fulfil desires in other people? Should I just give him
what he wants when he wants it for an easy life even though I don’t want to or get anything out of it?