Need honest advice please

[nicetotalk]

I have been with my husband approx 25 years, meeting when I was just 17. We have 2 DC aged 13 & 10. Over a build up of years I became very unhappy in the marriage. He is a negative person and always commented on how I do things wrong, from opening a cupboard (leaving marks) to making a meal. He would laugh it off if pointed it out. I felt our life goals differed - I wanted a happy family unit doing things together and he frequently spent money on large item things for himself i.e cars to fix up and more recently a boat even though I suffer from se sickness. I don’t want to upset my kids who I know would be devastated so I decided to just get on with life, seeing my friends, trying harder at work and basically just making a life for myself. I then made a bad decision and spent time in secret with a male colleague who helped me with job applications, mock interviews etc. We never crossed the line and there was no communications re our personal lives but it was in secret and husband found out. After being called for everything he wants to repair and has now become over obsessive with me. Tracks my phone (which I understand), huffs if I don’t have time for him as I’m working, running kids to classes or visiting my dad in hospice. I feel he always seeks intimacy and starts to behave differently if doesn’t happen regularly. I hate that he makes me feel I am to blame for our crisis, he forgets he has physically knocked me over, thrown things at me, lied to me about smoking, money for years. Since I had the kids he makes me feel guilty if I go out and he frequently voices that it’s strange I want to spend time with friends who are single (these are life long friends who have been in and out of relationships). I do feel bad but I wonder if rest of my life I will be made feel guilty for my one mistake. I want to have a family unit (drama free) and share the future with our kids together but will I always be walking on egg shells. Will he ever trust me or recognise his part in it? Please be honest with me, if I am the cause. Thanks

So you spent time with a work colleague talking about work related things?
Why does he even need to know about that, I really don't see what you've done wrong.
There's not one word in your description of your husband that makes him sound like a loving partner. He sounds like a controlling, selfish tosspot who'd you'd be better off without.

You're in a physically and emotionally abusive relationship. He's controlling and manipulative.

You can't change him and his behaviour is getting worse, abuse often escalates. You need to work on separation. Can you contact your local domestic abuse organisation and work out a plan on how to leave safely.

he forgets he has physically knocked me over, thrown things at me, lied to me about smoking, money for years.

Your children are living in an abusive home.

The longer they do so, the more likely it is that they will end up in abusive relationships themselves as adults.

They are being taught that this dynamic is normal and all they can expect as adults.

Let that fuel you to leave him.

He's done a proper number on you. Years of abuse from him and because you had a convo with a work person about work you now feel somehow that you're in the wrong.

Tracks my phone (which I understand)

Why the fuck would you understand that? You think it’s reasonable for him to track you because you had a work meeting with a man, about work, and your husband didn’t know? That’s ridiculous. This man is abusive, and the only thing you should feel guilty for, is subjecting your kids to this home environment and example of a relationship. If you have daughters, would you want them to be in a relationship like this?

Leave him OP, if not for yourself, for your children.

Sorry should have expanded. I spent time out of the office with them and lied about where I was. I can work both in/out of office. I was also having lunches with friends, going for beauty treatments and not mentioning any of it. It was like I was living a separate life as I didn’t want 500 questions about why. I know this is wrong. He doesn’t believe it wasn’t physical

Why is that wrong? Are women not allowed to have male friends? Are we not allowed to step out of the office with a male colleague? You lied because you know you’d be interrogated, a normal human reaction to his behaviour.

Of course he believes it was physical, it suits him to, because now he gets even more control over you.

Do you realise this man is abusive?

I want to have a family unit (drama free) and share the future with our kids together

This is not going to be possible with this dreadful man unfortunately. You have to choose between staying with the abuse, violence and eggshells, and all the psychological harm that brings to you and the children, or to seek support to build a low-abuse future for the three of you.

It won't be easy and I would not recommend doing it with a lot of guidance and support, and great care as well as he may well get nastier when you pull away. But you have to let go of the dream of a "happy stable family unit" with him in it. The only way to build that is with him elsewhere.

I know it’s not normal to live like this but I’ve also known him a long time- we grew up together. Well I grew up and I think he stayed a child but I know he has good qualities. He is now making lots of effort but to the point I feel uncomfortable. Watches me instead of tv etc and I feel I’m constantly trying to b nice but then I think is it short term because he was hurt. I’m sure I have a part to play in reaching this point, not addressing things, being happy to do my own thing in the latter years. I worry how he will react if things end. One of my dc have a medical condition so we would need to have good communications for her care and I worry that wouldn’t happy. I would do anything for my kids and I no they would be devastated by a separation, especially at eldest who is close to her dad. I have explained to him all the things he done to lead to this point and he appears to take on board but then when he has a bad day mentally it is always because of what I have done

You'll do anything for your kids bar living in a non abusive home.

So he sits there staring at you while you watch TV, tracks you, wants to know every movement and you think that's acceptable behaviour?

Gently op, your H is abusing you, this is not normal behaviour.
All of the things you've described doing, lunch with colleagues,.meeting friends etc are things I do all the time. My dh is more than happy for me to do it, with or without his knowledge!
This situation is not healthy for your dc. You do not have to stay with him.

Your job as a mother is to do what’s best for your kids, and that’s not always what makes them happiest. Yes they might be upset at you divorcing, but its worse that they’re having this relationship modelled for them as normal. Your eldest at least already has a statistically higher chance of being in her own abusive relationship as an adult, are you aware of that?

I may sound cold, but I do have a lot of empathy for you, you’ve been together a long time and leaving can be scary, but your kids take priority here. It doesn’t matter what they want, they don’t know what’s good for them, that’s why they have parents and aren’t allowed to just do whatever they want.