Are there any good men left?

[thecatsarecrazy]

Matched with a guy on tinder late may, met June.
Seemed fine to start with, 1st date ok. Then he started to seem a little odd. He kept accusing me of being on dates if I couldn't meet him because of work or kids, one random Thursday at midnight he said I must be on a date. Met him 3 times.
Yesterday I found out he was meeting at least one other woman same time as seeing me. After all that grief !
I know I should have blocked him after the 1st time but I'm a mug.

There are lovely men around. But they’re not on Tinder. They’re busy working on their careers, doing good works for their community etc. Get off the screen and meet a decent man in real life.

I think with online dating you get a feel for things.

So maybe he felt you were blowing him out and making excuses. Like did you always cancel at short notice. How many times did you cancel plans.

Tinder is for shagging…look somewhere that involves a membership. I met my lovely husband on match but this was in the old days when only weirdos used OLD. 🤣

I was very sceptical about Tinder when I first decided I wanted to start dating after separating from my husband. I wasn’t sure what to expect from OLD as it wasn’t around when I was dating first time around, 25 years ago 🙈. I was on there for about 4 months and tbh I was getting fed up with the endless introductions and meeting up with people - was a bit of an emotional rollercoaster and starting to feel like a chore.

However, then I met someone lovely on Tinder and we’ve been together coming up for 7 months now. He’s really understanding re the constraints on my time due to work/kids. We get on so well and he treats me with kindness and consideration, which was sorely lacking in my marriage. I’m not looking too far into the future but just enjoying getting to know someone new and enjoying the time we spend together.

So there are nice normal men on there but I agree they can be difficult to find - I guess it’s the luck of the draw.

I think part of the problem might be that many decent men (and they are on the apps, the idea that all the good men are ‘already taken’ or don’t use online dating is nonsense) will have a tendency to undersell themselves in their profiles and so will be overlooked. The principles of the attention economy very much apply to OLD and so being grounded/humble/self-aware is a hindrance. The ratio of men to women on the apps compounds the issue.

Do you really think everyone who is online doesn’t also go out as well?

The same old line trotted out all the time in here by people who have no idea what single people are doing as well as trying OLD which is usually a back up. The world has changed and online is the way most people meet these days

I’ve met men out and about - they’re the same men who are also online.

Hard-working men are all on apps. They don't have time and often interest to hang out at pubs. Plus (sadly) almost no one approaches anyone in real life anymore.

I’ve met some lovely men online who would make someone a very nice partner they just wasn’t for me.

Yes there are a hell of a lot of sleazy creeps online but they’re also in the real world too. Several of the men I’ve met out and about over last few years have turned out to be nightmares.

This.

Completely agree

You need to get tougher OP. As soon as he started his nonsense, delete and block. Don't put up with any signs of strange or controlling behaviour. Read up on boundaries and red flags in relationships.

Agree with this. I started out giving men second chances but you need very strong boundaries online.

Once they start any nonsense, unmatch, delete block, move on.

There are lovely people out there but what I found even from the early years of OLD is that both women and men are looking for the “ideal match” to their “ideal self” therefore getting disappointed when they meet and then getting disappointed often means people end up fed up or hurt so often that they become a nightmare themselves (this also applies to women not just men).

I have found some very nice people in OLD even if most were not for me. I think the way it worked for me was to walk away from OLD as soon as it started putting me off and then try again when I felt better, so basically, do one month then rest for as long as you are fed up.

Most of the people I met were LOVELY, a few weirdos as well but the proportion was negligible, possible about 3 out of about… 50. (Yes, I found the one, and no, I didn’t sleep with England, I don’t do one night stands or friends with benefits at all just drink a lot of coffee)

… and also, most looked much better than their photos, unlike women, they are less likely to use filters but as women, they often put old photos as well, so I would say that if the manners, and interests are there, it may be worth trying, if not, stay away at the first sign.

There are good men on there, even Tinder, but from my experience most aren't as they're too busy with their hobbies and work to be bothered about dating (a few years ago it was different).

That's the same for me, I do a busy, sometimes stressful job, I don't have the energy to go on dates and when you can still be working at 6/7pm your evenings are so precious. My weekends are taken up with my hobbies and household chores, and driving my elderly mother to places she wants to go to.

I was also single so I know exactly what it’s like out there.

I met a man IRL who sounds just like the man you met online. Right down to receiving texts at midnight. I hope you have blocked him on absolutely everything? He sounds odd and unstable.

Keeping in contact until the red flags are encircling you is a dangerous game to play IME. He probably has a harem of women at his disposable and will never change.

Better to be single and living in relative peace and than using all your free time on chaotic men like that, or on seeking one that's only 'good enough'. And even the nice guys can turn out to be not that nice.

When me and my ex split up I knew in future dating apps were never going to be for me. I would feel that I'd never really know someone. And I think the seeing multiple is common. I know from friends of mine. I was always going to be with someone who was known to people I knew. Ff 12 years and I'm due to get married to a friend of the family...our 2 boys used to play together theyre now 26 and 25 yo. He was a widower. I just feel more settled with this scenario. And hes a really good man. Maybe that would be something to think about?

the idea of are there any good men left, is a bit like being in a tourist spot and being annoyed at how busy it is, when actually we are one of the people making it busy. When ever anyone on here questions “are all the good ones taken?” Or is it all the dregs on dating apps, they never think that they could possibly be one of the unsuitable ones, so if you yourself think your not too bad a catch, there will be men somewhere that are the same.

I never cancelled once, he knows when I work but would ask to meet at school pick up times and when I would point out I couldn't do then he would say hope you enjoy your date. He would cancel meets though. We agreed to meet at lunch time on a Tuesday but he woke up hungover at 10 and cancelled. So I wasn't the problem

Yes, I should have known better tbh. I met a narcissist who would do the same kind of behaviour and I swore I wouldn't go there again.

This sounds so much like my ex, "Woke up hungover at 10" ... throwing a tantrum because you are not available at his every whim ...
Or perhaps there are more losers of this sort out there than I/we realise.

He needs help, our first date was fine but then and I learnt this term from the other woman he was seeing same time as me... would "trauma dump" he listens to some weird sad music every night he sent links to both of us and tried to spill all his problems. Me and the other lady had a chat though Facebook messenger on the call option she blocked him after 2 meets,I saw him 3 times. I posted about him on one of the are we dating the same man pages to warn people he's a red flag and she messaged to say he was the same although he was better behaved towards her.

I hope so, but I'm also struggling to find them.

Sounds like you've had a lucky escape. Onwards and upwards for you now.

Apps are awful even the paid ones. I've met 3 people in real life through friends and work. 2 of the 3 are emotionally unavailable, I'll see how number 3 works out 😂