Feel bitter about ex husband but know it's wrong

[Moonbum]

I've been on my own for almost three years now and divorced for just under a year. I've recently found out that my ex, who treated me badly, has a girlfriend. Of course rationally I know he has every right to move on but I suppose I feel a bit bitter that he can move away and reinvent himself while it's so much harder for me as someone with not a lot of money and children to support both financially and emotionally. I wouldn't touch him with a barge pole so it's not a case of wishing he was with me, it's just I suppose I feel a bit envious and cross that he can move on and it's so much harder for me to do the same. I'm getting out and doing things and even have had a little fling but that ended a bit negatively for me although I have a good friend out of it. Have other people been in this situation? Is it normal to feel the way I do?

OMG, come and sit next to me, Moonbum. You can be my new best friend .

You shouldn't feel any kind of guilt for this reaction. In the same situation (which I am in, trust me), I feel as though I am dealing with the hardest parts of his former life. I've been saddled with the bits he couldn't handle - the bills, the debts, the children, all the responsibility, whilst he just swans around on his foreign holidays, doing drama and stand-up comedy shows (no he is not talented, merely delusional!!)

Meanwhile, you are left with all the hard bits he left behind PLUS the resentment that he has left all this behind, PLUS very little time to yourself because you've got all this to deal with.

Now you tell me one woman who's going to be grateful for that opportunity? Yes we love our children - but I also love justice. And often, what happens to us women is not just.

Thank you littlewoman - I know it sounds mad but knowing someone else feels the same makes me feel less like an embittered old bag. I am very happy to sit next to you.

BTW, I'm 44 with 6 dc's and have found a lovely new dp that I've been with just over a year. We don't live together, it is nicer to keep that part of my life separate. I'm not looking for a step-dad for my children, but a partner for me.

You will find someone else. Take the time to choose and don't rush that bit. With all the other stress, you deserve someone who treats you really well

I know you're right about not rushing into things, particularly when you've had a difficult time before. I suppose if the world was a just place then he might have been run over by a bus rather than vaunting himself as a noveau metrosexual. In fact if the world was a just place, the courts would order men like him to lie on a bed of nails for a year and spend their weekends cleaning toilets (actually that last one sounds like my weekend).

Like you I don't necessarily want someone to live with me, just someone to think I'm wonderful and be nice to me. I'm also a bit scared that my judgement is very bad as I made a big mistake marrying the man I did. I have two lovely children out of the marriage and though life can be fraught, I wouldn't be without them.

If the world was a just place, I think a judge would order them to get back home and look after their children until they are old enough to look after themselves (course, I'd be waiting for him with the rolling pin!! No open arms for him, no siree bob)

How long have you been parted from your husband?

Ha! you could be me and the ink hasn't even dried on our paperwork yet!!
Littlewoman, your post has given me hope at my age (although I'm not actually looking for anyone now)

Yes you could be me too!

Separated since 2006 divorced over a year. Again wouldn't touch old H with a bargepole yet he still looms large in my life in a negative way only.

He appears to have moved on with considerable ease though his new DP is pg which was not on his life plan. What has really made me quite sick is the way he has ingratiated (slimed) his way into his new extended family. He's so good at faking it.

I think the crux for me is that he still tries to control my life to a lesser degree.

I am seeing someone but it has to be planned with military precision (unlike ex who has relative freedom) and like LW I want someone for me can't envisage a new father figure around my DSs atm.

I am beginning to think I should never have married him but of course if I hadn't would have my two lovely Dss.

So your feelings OP are completely reasonable and normal I think.

It's so much easier for the men to move on and get a new life. I love my children and I would hate to be without them but like you Citylover any life I try to make for myself involves byzantine arrangements. Actually it was like this when we were married. He could just ring home and say he was off out for a drink while if I wanted to go somewhere I had to make arrangements weeks in advance (and rarely did he babysit). Just annoys me that he's swanning about being Mr Youngish Free and Single and life is so much harder for me. Nice to know I'm not alone.

Were we married to the same man moonbum?

The default position in our house was that he would indeed go out for drinks after work if he felt like it whereas I had to book days in advance.

This was esp bad when the DCs were young and I never knew what time he was coming in. He used to make out I am unreasonable when I questioned it. I will watch with interest when his new babies are born as to how he behaves. He is portraying everything on that front as hunky dory to me atm but a) they aren't here yet and b) he is still living in his own flat and seems to be delaying moving in.

Even now when I go for drinks I usually plan it on the one night he is meant to pick up from school/cm and he always always wants to know exactly what time I will be home and sometimes tries to fit in another social engagement for himself on the same night.

The best time recently was in Feb half term when he took new P and DSs away because I knew he was out of the country and could not get to me. Unfortunately that week I was ill and could not make some of the social engagements planned.

I am seeing someone casually and it is reallly really hard to get together. It is grossly unfair but I am tired of fighting it (just noting it all down in notebook in case I need to go to court to try to tie him down to a more regular and lengthy committment - er since when has a weekend meant Sat afternoon to Sun morning) and guess it comes with the terrority of the resident parent.

If it weren't for the kids I would be quite happy never seeing him again.