Emotional affair

[blondebird69]

Last year my husband was showing signs of an affair. We have been married for 22 years together for 26 years. I discovered various things on his phone , a bracelet bought which was not my initials on it. Going to a pub after golf and turning off his location and being secret with his phone. I suspected it was one of our co workers but never had proof but confronted him on numerous occasions asking him to just admit it but he denied it . I suspected a specific individual we both worked with and confronted him after he met her by accident in a coffee shop and was spotted by my daughter’s friend . He said they were just friends and he enjoyed her company nothing more . All the time he denied it and I gave him numerous chances to admit. I did eventually ask him to delete the coworker who retired during this time and block her. He did as i asked and I checked his phone and this was the case .
since then a year later after much probing he finally admitted he had met up with her may have kissed her but not passionately as was in a pub and had been deleting messages when texting . He said they both felt guilty but nothing physical happened it could have done if it had continued and I hadn’t found out. They were often on night shifts together so I suspect this gave them time to talk.
He has had no contact with her for a year and I do believe that. When I suspected her at the end of last year I sent her a message and she denied it seeming flabbergasted that I would suggest such a thing.

He said it happened as he felt I didn’t love him anymore and she paid him attention despite being married and has done this before .
I have stayed with him because I love him but I will admit I don’t feel the same as I did as he has told me so many lies .most of you will say leave but I don’t want to . He is trying really hard but he is not one to talk about his feelings which is probably why it happened in the first place. He said they both felt guilty texting and meeting behind my back. I sat next to this woman at work most days and she was her usual self with me ! Two faced cow !

I have become obsessed with her checking what she is saying and putting on social media and comparing myself to her . I have sent her numerous messages on social media as I want her to know I know what has gone on. At least I don’t work with her anymore. She hasn’t replied.

How can I try and move on and not be so consumed by it all ?

Could you get counselling to talk through your feelings with someone. Perhaps individual and marriage counselling.
Do you believe nothing physical happened? Would it make a difference if it had?

He has blamed you for the fact he had an affair with another woman. He is your DH. If he was not happy in your relationship he should have been talking to you about it not seeking solice with another woman.
He will be admitting to the minimum that happened between them. It is more than likely it was physical as well as emotional betrayal.
Do you want to move on from this and stay with him? He needs to be honest with you and not put the blame on to you, when it is he who has cheated, before you can move forward.

I have sent her numerous messages on social media as I want her to know I know what has gone on.

Stop. It. Just stop. You're making yourself look unhinged and this woman couldn't care less of a fuck that you know.

Your husband is minimising, most cheats do. He "may have" kissed her? Really, he can't remember? Come on now.

You have to decide if you'll keep the lying cockwomble or if the marriage is over. Rest assured you can never trust him again.

I think affairs that are out of character can be aberrations which you can recover from.
People with no moral compass will cheat again because, that's who they are. But someone who believes in faith and loyalty can make a mistake.
I think there is a degree of self delusion which allows them to show a different face to the rest of the world while the affair continues behind the backs.
Really ultimately all you can do is know that humans can be messy and weak, sometimes even the good ones. You either forgive and rebuild, and recognise that they are also having to do that, and live with the shame. Or you can't work without the trust and end things and try to put it behind you.
But she isn't the key, she's just a symptom. So understandable though it is, you need to try to put her out of your focus and direct your energy somewhere else.

Stop msging the other woman. You are coming across.like a psycho...which is probably what hes told her

Unfortunately OP I imagine this is the tip of the iceberg. It's not unlikely that they've slept together.

You don't trust him and rightly so. You won't have peace if you stay with this man.

I'm sorry, but if he's bought her jewelry and was turning off his location, they most likely had sex. He is not telling you the whole story.
You won't get any peace with this until you face the truth and then take appropriate action, which, yes, is LTB. There is more involved than he is saying and your gut knows it.
The mere fact that he tried to justify his behaviour with some self-pitying crap about thinking you don't love him marks him as a man who will probably try this again. He has admitted he thinks cheating is justified based on his alleged feelings.

Stop being focused on her rather than on him. She is a bitch, but he's the bigger problem. If you don't want to leave, at least understand that you're going to have to live with constant insecurity and anxiety about what he could be doing. That will destroy your health.

I agree with this it's so desperate. He bought her a personalised bracelet FFS. I know it's way easier said than done but you need to move on to ever be happy again.

There will be so much more that he has done but you have and never will have evidence of. Be kind to yourself and let him go x

You know he lies so there's every chance he's lying when he says they didn't have sex. What does he say he was doing when his location was turned off? She obviously felt no guilt if she sat next to you every day!

This man can't be trusted but you are focussing on the OW probably to avoid thinking about that. I think you need someone to really talk this through and through with so i think counselling could be a really good idea for you.

I can totally understand your obsessive behaviour. It's absolutely natural. When it happened to me I wanted to know everything about the OW, about what my DH did with her, every fucking minor detail. In the end you drive yourself mad. I suggest you stop messaging her. You're not scaring her, she really couldn't give a flying fuck and you don't share your life with her. Your problem is your DH.

I suspect your DH slept with her. I suspect most of his admissions are only a tiny fraction of the truth. Men always say they shagged someone else because they "felt unloved by their wives", "they've got mental health problems because of their wives", "they're stressed at work (yep, because of their wives". Do women usually jump on the first willy they see because of marriage problems. No, no they don't. He's talking bullshit. He shagged someone else because he wanted to and she was willing. End of.

He bought her jewellery, turned his ohone location off and he has more than likely minimised what has gone on. But if you really want to move forward you do need to stop focusing on her and start focusing on your marriage. He has said why he had the affair and you are sure he has not been on contact since so he obviously wants to move on from it as well, get some counselling alone and maybe together to work through it. Start afresh

You must be utterly devastated.

Your feelings are perfectly normal re the other woman BUT it is something we do to distract ourselves from the real problem and that is the man who betrayed us. So do stop giving the OW any of your previous energy. She’s utterly rubbish, but she is not your problem.

I agree it’s very likely he has minimised the affair. I was told that if they’ve met up they are likely to have slept together when I chose to believe my husbands story of a few chaste kisses. What a bloody idiot I was! Do not trust his story.

His reasons for the affair are unsafe. He has given you a nonsense story to help him play victim and you feel sorry for him and question your role in HIS actions. While he gets away with this he is an unsafe partner and still in cheating mode.

imho you need to get on surviving infidelity for some really wise advise.