Saying I love you

[newhousenewhouse]

Would you stay with someone that hasn't ever said I love you. Says his parents never said it and he hasn't ever said it to anyone. We have been together for 2 and a half years.

Have you asked him if he does? After 2 years I think you are within your rights to get a yes or no answer. Apart from that, how he shows affection and appreciation for you is more important than words. Far more men are only too willing to say they do without any input to back it up and just lie knowing it's what a woman wants to hear. Overall actions speak loder than words, so if he says yes and everything else is fine, then it's not relationship ending.

Does he make you feel loved?

Not being able to say the words is a bit of a red flag, but if he's capable of showing you his love in several different ways, then maybe you could live with it.
And I'm not saying that he shows love by mowing the lawn or doing the dishes. I mean actual displays of love and affection, making you feel special.

I think if you want a future with him that suggests a quite big concern - he has massive trouble talking about his real feelings for starters or using words to describe them? As an adult - he should be able to understand that saying 'I love you' is a standard form of communication and is how you his partner can understand his feeling.

If - knowing it matters to you- he still can't say it - there are a couple of possibilities.

1. He actually doesn't love you, doesn't feel it and can't bring himself to say it because the feeling isn't there
2. he does feel love for you but - despite being an adult and knowing you want to hear it - is absolutely emotionally incapable of saying it

If this is someone you want to stay with/ have a family with - he needs to address this - you don't want your kids growing up as emotionally stunted as he is.

Counselling? Together?

I did.

I told her I loved her about 3 months in, she nearly hit the ceiling before making her excuses and leaving.

We moved in together, we had a child together, I still never heard it back from her.

It didn't really matter, because I knew she loved me. It wasn't something she felt she could say, but she demonstrated every single day in lots of different ways.

3 and a half years in she was ill in bed, I'd just brought her a cup of coffee and a sandwich, and as I left the room I got a slightly bleary "I love you." I just replied "I know"

I always found it awkward saying "I love you" to my exh. I thought it was because my family never said it either and it always seemed overly dramatic/like something from a TV romance. It felt contrived, like something you were expected/meant to say, and I couldn't really see when it would come up naturally.
In retrospect, though, I think I just wasn't so infatuated with my exh that it came naturally. I thought he was handsome, sexy etc. but he never did or said anything that made me feel a real surge of love. I hadn't experienced that at all so didn't know what I was missing.
My exh used to say I was the love of his life. He continued to say this while having an affair and telling his OW we'd never loved one another. So the fact that someone uses these words doesn't tell you that much. I agree that actions count more.

My current dp finds it very hard to say "I love you". At some key moments he's managed to spit it out, though (not in the first 2/3 years), and he acts a lot more loving and caring than my exh. I stay with him as it's those loving, caring actions I appreciate.
But if you really don't like it that he doesn't say "I love you", you're not doing either of you any favours by staying with him out of a sense of duty (or whatever) and feeling annoyed about it.

I can count on the fingers of one hand the amount of times DP has said "I love you" in the whole of our 22 years together. I can't say it bothers me as they are just words. It's actions that count, I mean how many women have heard "I love you" just after the fist has struck their face?

I would ask him if he loves me, then I’d have my answer.

And if he felt awkward saying it going forward, I wouldn’t pressure him.

Lots to think about thanks. He does kind of show it. Told me he was talking to a friend of his about me and got emotional so I should have asked him then however I feel if I have to ask it's meaningless as it would be awkward to say no.

I would ask - mine tells me genuinely that he loves me every day