Parents don’t want to attend my graduation

[Lotusflowerss]

Hi all,
Just want some advice on how I can approach this.
I chose my two people to come to my graduation as my parents, however both of them have their own respective mobility and anxiety issues that may cause issues on the day.

I gave them the option and they said they wanted to go. I didn’t want them to feel forced into it because I want them to really WANT to see me graduate. Not feel forced.

Yet, my worst fear about the situation happened, I overheard them having a conversation about not wanting to be there, citing the reasons I’ve already suggested.

I am not sad about them not coming, I'm sad they felt they had to lie to me. I'm also sad that if they do come I'll be aware the entire day that it was a reluctant attendance. It will make all the photos and memories sad.

How do I approach this conversation? Do I mention that I overheard it?

Yes - you need to tell them what you heard and discuss it with them. It will spoil the day if not. Could someone else go and take photos for them but also be there to celebrate with you?

You were supposed to hear, so that you would tell them not to come- therefore giving them what they want, whilst still being the good guy, and you feeing guilty.

Don’t say anything, enjoy your graduation, and see how little effort they will make for you, not even the effort of having an honest conversation.

Is it sitting through the ceremony that is the issue? Would they come and celebrate with you and have the photo taken with you in your gown?

I am guessing they said yes as they don’t want to let you down.

In the end, it is for them to take responsibility for their decision , to come or not come.

I would probably give them permission to say no, iyswim,

Congratulations on getting your degree!

Does it get live streamed?

I would talk to them to try and find a solution together!

Most Universities have lecture theatres where they stream the graduation ceremony, would they be happier sitting in one of them instead of the actual ceremony? That way they can be around for the pictures and celebration, but if they are worried about potentially disrupting the ceremony by having to leave midway through for example, then this won’t be an issue?

Congratulations on your degree! Graduations are wonderful days and I hope you have some friends to share it with as well.

@Lotusflowerss most universities will endeavour to accommodate their needs at the ceremony.

Could you check with student administration, may allay your parents' concerns?

As you gave them the option, and they said they'd like to be there, it sounds as thought they would genuinely like to be there.

But then their mobility / anxiety issues now seem more real as it approaches, and they're realising it might not be possible. Or that their issues could get in the way of your graduation being a happy, relaxed event.

I'm saying this as, if they are generally decent, loving parents, I think that version of events is more likey than it being they don't care / deliberately misled you.

If that's the case, then I'd talk to your uni and see if they can offer any alternatives for watching.

If they still aren't up for it (or if they aren't normally decent, loving parents) then I'd consider inviting someone else in their place.

If you want to, you could celenrate with your parents in another, less demanding for them, way, afterwards.

Congratulations on your graduation!

Looking at it a different way, your parents have significant physical and mental health issues that potentially make this a difficult day but they are willing to come despite their own concerns. That suggests that they love you and do want to see you graduate to me. They probably lied to you because they don't want you to feel guilty.
I have been the parent in a similar situation. I suffered multiple injuries in an accident a few months before my DD graduated. I still couldn't walk unaided and was in continuous pain when she graduated. It was a 4 hour trip each way and an uncomfortable and arduous day for me. Of course my daughter gave me the option of not going but I told her I was fine and really looking forward to it. I wasn't- it was hugely problematic - and yes, I did have conversations with my DH about how hard it was going to be. I wanted to make my DD happy and to see her graduate but it didn't make the practicalities of actually doing disappear and I think I was entitled to have a private conversation with my husband about my feelings. I did take care to not say anything negative when DD was within earshot but had she overheard a private conversation I'd like to think she would have interpreted it as "my mum loves me enough to put her personal discomfort aside to spend this special day with me" rather than "my mum doesn't care enough to tell me the truth and doesn't really want to see me graduate".
I'd probably forget what I'd heard and be glad my parents were willing to make the effort to be there I think, but you could give them the option of not coming by saying something like you have been thinking more about it and you realise how hard the day will be for them and are they still sure they really want to come. If they still say yes, believe them and enjoy your day.

I think you should line up some other people to attend, OP. I wouldn’t want anyone to attend that didn’t want to either (rather than they can’t). It’s a hurtful situation but better to go to something like this - a huge life event - with people who value you more, to put it bluntly.

I think they absolutely want to be there for you and are feeling very proud but their own issues are hard for them to overcome so they haven't lied,they are just finding it difficult. I suspect their lives have shrunk due to the health issues and going outside of that comfort zone is overwhelming.

Say you over heard them, find out what they are concerned about and then work together to overcome it.

Universities are generally very accomodating now, so if it's a concern about walking could you take a folding char for any waiting around. If it's because they get a stress stomach can you find out about where the bathrooms are situated. Being I a busy room, find out if it's live streamed into a smaller room etc. are you close enough to do a dry run as day out etc. is it concern about along journey, in which case a Premier Inn will sort that and break up the journey.

I'd say nothing. If they force themselves to come they'll probably have a better day than they feared If they've changed their minds they will have to tell you that like adults.

Well done on passing your degree. I can see both sides here OP. I think your parents do want to attend, are worried about letting you down and also worried how they will cope.

When I graduated as a mature student I managed to get an extra ticket so DH and both my parents could attend. As we were living on DH’s income and my dad had had to retire unexpectedly because of his health we paid for all tickets which included an upmarket buffet reception in a marquee (as we wanted them both to attend and at the time I was the only one in my family to get a degree so I wanted them to be proud). Afterwards my DM told me my DF had said it was too much sitting and standing around and the most boring day in his life. I was so mad especially as the cost of the tickets wasn’t cheap. When we asked them if they wanted to attend they said yes but when I recall the day now they looked bored and like fish out of water. With hindsight it would have been better if just DH and I were there it would have made for a more comfortable more enjoyable day all round.

Now my DS will graduate next summer. He attends a prestigious Uni in a fairly hilly city and poor DH has a life limiting illness. I know DH would give anything to be in attendance but I am already worrying on his behalf in terms of where we could park near the ceremony, how we will get around what if he is in a wheelchair by then, how we will navigate the day, what if DH has passed away by then and everyone is happy and in big happy family social groups how will I manage to hold it together when DS is chatting to his Uni friends (as he should be and I am feeling incredibly proud of DS but also sad and alone and missing DH) etc.

If your parents are elderly and aren’t in the best health and if you have a good friend or relative who wants to be there I would take them. Your parents and you may be more comfortable and happy with them either watching the event on a live stream near the graduation ceremony or comfortably in their own home.

I would have a calm rational chat with them.

I think this is the only time in my life I was disappointed in my mother. She was more for attending a party at her then partner´s golf club than my graduation. My aunt and my brother were horrified. Like you, I thought, I´m not going to tell you why I want you there, if you´d rather be at some poxy party of upstarts, please suit yourself.
Don´t say anything.

Just to follow up- when I say I gave them the option I mean we had a discussion about issues that may arise including anxiety and mobility. Despite this, they agreed to go.

I know they’re proud of me, but I just don’t want to have the whole day spent worrying about them rather than celebrating. The conversation I overheard just reinstilled all my previous concerns.

Mine never came to mine , managed to go to both my brothers though all I got was a rude comment about it and no congratulations. Was relieved about it at the end as I had a nice day with my now husband just us and it wasn’t spoiled by worrying about them and looking at their sour faces. Do it without them so you can’t worry about it and have a great time x

I just don’t want to have the whole day spent worrying about them rather than celebrating.
Then you need to uninvite them.
They can't make their health problems disappear for the day so there are going to be worries for them, and therefore you. It isn't something within their control.
It sounds like they are about to put themselves in a difficult position because they think you want them there but actually you don't - you want to celebrate without the added stress of them being there. So their attendance probably suits none of you. You need to tell them that. Better that than you all have a miserable day.

I don’t understand why they don’t want to go if they’re proud of you? Are their mobility issues that severe? As other people have said, universities will be very experienced in accommodating graduates and their guests who have certain physical issues.

Choose someone else.

Go out with your parents to something you'll all enjoy, like a lovely meal.

(My first graduation was so boring even I didn't bother attending my second).

I have health issues that make attending certain types of events very difficult. I have to prepare well for them and plan for recovery afterwards. I might even speak with my spouse about those plans.

i would never miss my child’s graduation or any other important or even minor event. I plan and plan, I deal with the problems they cause, and I deal with the aftermath. I want to be there. It is 100% worth the risk.

your parents can be simultaneously living with their own physical constraints and incredibly excited about celebrating their child.

If OP’s parents have mobility issues coupled with say anxiety. Yes Uni’s can accommodate wheel chair access and a seating space but they can’t adapt the entire graduation ceremony and day to accommodate every conceivable disability and health issue.

If op’s parents are likely to struggle to much it might be better for all concerned if they don’t attend.