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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Fantasising about having an affair...

25 replies

ashamedofmythoughts · 13/04/2008 11:01

Im a regular, but have namechanged for obvious reasons, not least that dh sometimes reads my posts.

For the past 3 months or so I have been fantasising about having an affair. I love dh and our lo and wouldnt actually do it, but cant help thinking that I "settled" to life with him. I havent had many bf's and wonder if I have missed out. Im not happy at the moment and he knows that, but I dont think he knows ho I feel.

If I go out with friends I toy with the idea of taking my ring off and if i get chatted up I wonder what it would be like to go for it.

Im not a bad person, as I said, I wouldnt do it, butI just want to know if Im alone in this or if there is something else amiss with our marriage.

been married for 4 years btw, but together much longer

OP posts:

hecate · 13/04/2008 11:16

You don't think he knows how you feel? Then tell him how you feel.

Don't be ashamed, you haven't done anything wrong! Is there something wrong with your marriage, well, yes. If you are not happy then there is something to be tweaked within your marriage. And that means doing something, not sitting there with thoughts that you are not communicating.

It would probably not be a good idea to say to him that you are fantasising about an affair! But you certainly need to tell him that you feel - unsatisfied - would that be close?

You say you love your husband. So what is it that you want? Excitment? To feel desired? Attractive? You can have all this with him. And what can you do to change things - for all you know, he could be feeling the same way.

Go on dates together. turn off the tv and talk. Share a special meal. Do something thoughtful. Leave a romantic note under his toast. Share a bath. Share a joke. Tickle him. Run up to him throw your arms around him and plant a big smacker on his lips for no reason....how do you think he'll react to this stuff - because I think what you give, you'll get back threefold.

wouldbehippychick · 13/04/2008 11:20

I think we all have these feelings from time to time - being looked at in a different way from what we're used to is a very tempting thing - but really, no matter how innocently you might start this off (if at all) it could really mess things up. If you're happy in your relationship, don't do anything to jeopardise it. There's no harm in fantasising, it's what we do about it that makes the difference. We are human and life can get a bit stale, so it's natural to drift off from time to time.

Can you make any changes in your relationship to bring back the excitement and to remind you what it was about your dh that made you fall in love with him in the first place?

feelthesameway · 13/04/2008 11:21

ashamed, I have name changed too as my dh looks over my shoulder when I'm on here! But I was just about to post exactly the same thing, and couldn't believe how similar your post was to how I am feeling.

We have been together 20 year, 3 kids, married for 9. we are reasonably content when I am not being 'off' with him...and I am 'off' with him because fundamentally I do not find him attractive. He is the only man I have ever slept with. I do not fancy him.

I look at other men all the time, and I get looked at too, and it makes me wonder...but then I think about what if he found out? I do not fancy him but to be at the receiving end of his hate would be awful.

hecate your post is good, but all those little tips you say...if the 'fancying' feelings are not there, I do not think notes under a plate are going to cut the mustard.

Ashamed, i hope you don't think I have hijacked your post. I will watch with intrest what responses you get...altho I think I kow what most will say. I just wanted to let you know you are not alone!

hecate · 13/04/2008 11:28

Feelthesameway - ime, it's by doing the little things that you can get the feelings back. Don't underestimate how vital a little kindness, or thoughtfulness or a gesture of love on a regular basis is and how it can change how you feel. So yes, 'fancying' feelings might not be there - at the front - before you begin to act this way, they might not be the reason you behave lovingly, but by showing love, affection and closeness, you can change and bring back the feelings.

Not all the time, not everyone, but it can and does work for a lot of people and it's certainly worth trying.

Janni · 13/04/2008 11:30

You're not alone, by any means. Feelings and fantasies are very different to action. I toyed with the idea of an affair a few years ago and am SO glad I didn't - it would have been disastrous. Enjoy your fantasies but do all you can to improve your real life relationship too.

Irisheyes78 · 13/04/2008 11:31

I think you fantasise about being desired more then an affair itself but feel that excitement can only come from an affair. They do of course but only for a short time.

Do talk to your husband. When my husband and I were going through a bad patch I asked him did he want to call it a day as we were constantly going over old arguments as they had never been resolved. Anyways to cut a long story short he said some lovely things to me, what I meant to him etc.

When I told him I wasn't aware of his feelings he said just cos I don't say it everyday it doesn't mean I don't feel it.

TALK TO EACH OTHER.

hecate · 13/04/2008 11:32

Oh, and I don't want you to think I am in a hearts and flowers romantic flush of a relationship and me and my dh haven't had sex for years - nearly 8 in fact! Most people say that's not a proper or close relationship. But we are close and are loving to one another. I know a little about how to make a marriage work when it is different to how people think a marriage should be.

Also not a hijack, but just so you know I'm not talking out my arse

CountessDracula · 13/04/2008 11:38

He's not a mind reader (as is apparent from your post when you say he knows you aren't happy but doesn't know how you feel)

How is your self-esteem? Sounds a bit like you are looking for something to give you a bit of a boost in that department - however excitig having an affair might sound you only have to look at the fall-out on this very site from numerous affairs to see that in the long run it will harm you and those you love

I agree with those who say talk to him. You don't have to say that you are fantasising about having an affair. Just tell him how you feel. That you are wondering what you have missed out on. That you feel you maybe didn't have as much excitement as you could have done before you settled down. That you feel you want to be treated specially, feel some excitement etc. I bet he rises to the challenge. And so should you.

Nothing wrong with fantasising about it though!

Original poster

ashamedofmythoughts · 13/04/2008 11:41

sorry, had log out and in again, dh checks my "threads started" we have had a lot to cope with, not least ttc and failing miserably. sex has become a way to have a baby and its affected the way i see him and our sex life. I feel less feminine and sexy and dont seem to fancy him as much as I used to. We dont have sex in the second 1/2 of my cycle because of recurrent mc (you probably know who I am now, I don't mind, I just dont want dh to know iykwim)and sex has become bd-ing. I miss sex. I miss feeling sexy and wanted. We've had a good marriage up untill now, and I know that its the stress of ftc that is making me feel like this.

OP posts:

CountessDracula · 13/04/2008 11:43

And have you talked to him about that
I'm sure he is feeling the same way

Try doing something else during that period - ie when you can't have sex. Go out for a nice meal or something.

CountessDracula · 13/04/2008 11:45

And of course you are going to feel like this - I can still clearly remember the awfulness of sex to conceive (I don't mean awful as in awful sex but as in taking something that used to be spontaneous and exciting and fantastic and turning into a chore)

Seriously, if you are feeling like this so is he. It isn't you against him. It should be both of you together.

CountessDracula · 13/04/2008 11:46

And if you read your posts you can now see that what you want is some excitement and spontenaity and the only way you can think of getting that is by having an affair. Think about how destructive that is and work out another way to get it. Could you try bungee jumping?

hecate · 13/04/2008 11:46

You have to talk.

hecate · 13/04/2008 11:47

CD is 100% right - "It isn't you against him. It should be both of you together. "

Now THAT'S a marriage!!!

Original poster

ashamedofmythoughts · 13/04/2008 12:04

lol at bungee jumping.

there are other issues (mine) self esteem is a biggy and ftc has compounded that. will have a chat when he gets home.

OP posts:

TheCoderator · 13/04/2008 12:05

HAVE ONE! its a GREAT IDEA!!!! go on! NOW!

maidamess · 13/04/2008 12:11

Oh god, She's in one of her trouble making moods....

OracleInaCoracle · 13/04/2008 12:54

cod, whats with the spelling?

TheCoderator · 13/04/2008 13:16

well fgs what a twatty idea

OracleInaCoracle · 13/04/2008 13:50

she has said she wouldnt do it, and there are other things going on.

CountessDracula · 14/04/2008 10:09

How did it go?

cod you can be a twat

Original poster

ashamedofmythoughts · 15/04/2008 11:42

didnt go too badly thanks, obviously didnt tell him about my fantasies, but explained how I was feeling. we are going to try to get a night away without dc to try to re-connect (what a wanky word!)

OP posts:

hecate · 15/04/2008 12:24

It is, isn't it?
But well done you! And good luck.

CountessDracula · 15/04/2008 12:34

Oh well done

And did he say he has been feeling bothered by this too?

Original poster

ashamedofmythoughts · 15/04/2008 13:06

oh yes. he has been feeling like a baby-maker and a faulty one at that I have bought some new underwear to try to get us both in the mood

OP posts:

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