Can I make him listen and understand?

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My DP and I have separated due to issues that I'd had enough of trying to deal with. He doesn't want to end things and claims he wants to talk to sort things through. We have children, two under school age who he sees regularly. He just doesn't seem to want to listen to me, or understand anything from my view point. I've not had an easy childhood or early adult hood. Health conditions that restrict my life, lost my mum when I was quite young. Is there a way of communicating with him to try and get him to understand how hard my life is when he has everything. Both parents to rely on, no health conditions that severely impact his day to day life? I've tried talking to him, he just goes on the defensive and says it's not his fault this happened to me or that happened to me. I'm not trying to blame him I just want him to understand why I get frustrated with life and how much harder it is for me to do ordinary day to day things. I've written letters, which he refuses to read. I'm out of ideas and stuck. Don't really want to end it but it's feeling more like that's the way forward if he won't listen. Any other forms of communication anyone else has used that work? Any tips? Thankyou for reading

He doesn't want to listen, so no, sorry :(

You've tried everything and he still refuses to listen. You could try joint counselling but that will only work if they are willing to listen but can't quite grasp the understanding part. So no, you can't make him. The only thing left is to change your own expectations and reactions but if changing those will diminish and take away your self worth then walk away from the relationship as he is not the man for you. A partner is just that, a partner, someone equal. Someone who will walk through life by your side being supportive, encouraging, kind, someone who brings sunshine and light into your life. Does he do that?

Do you have a carer OP?
How are you managing with no support and two children under school age?

Sorry you're struggling OP. From your post though I'm not sure what the issues are. You seem to be upset because he doesn't appreciate that your life has been harder than his - but what has that got to do with what is working/not working right now?

If you need help working through your past then individual therapy is the start. You can't expect others to feel sorry for you forever (not that I'm saying that's what you want, but it doesn't help). And being frustrated at others because their life has been different is futile. Of course, if there are specific actions or things you want to happen, that's different.

But you make it sound like he's isn't interested and ultimately you can't change other people. You can't 'make' them listen or understand you. They either want to and do, or don't and won't.

The only things within your control are your actions.

He doesn’t have everything easy in life if he has a partner with severe health restrictions OP. Or are you saying he offers no support to you whatever in any shape or form?

He is not your counsellor or rehab support. It sounds like you would benefit from therapy to help you unravel your difficult life experiences and come to terms with where you are and how to navigate your future.

He refuses to listen to you so no, there is no point in getting back together.

If he won’t engage fully with a conversation about this and refuses to read the letter you have written, which I assume you gave to him so he might try to take it all in at his own pace, then counselling wouldn’t work either; even if he agreed to it.

I think you’re flogging a dead horse.

Regardless of who's got what to deal with and who's got it easier (which is a futile circular never ending argument), if you've written him letters and he refuses to read them then that is a clear indication that he does not want to listen or try to understand, and I'd take that as your answer.

Yep, I think you're all right. I'm probably expecting too much but I'm not getting even an ounce of support. I appreciate I can't expect him to be a counsellor to therapist but a bit of compassion isn't too much to ask surely. But yeah, he's not interested so time to call it a day I think

What difference will him understanding actually make OP? Sorry, I don't really understand what the problem is.

What you want from him is empathy.
And that's something you can't force anyone to feel for you. Ever.
Someone who cares about you, will have it without having to ask for it.

He obviously doesn't care.

I'm not saying it's impossible to come back from this. But it's improbable.
You could try couples counseling. My husband and I did a lot of work by the Gottman Institute
www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/
It worked really well for us (and my husband used to get very defensive too, rather than showing empathy).
I wouldn't get your hopes up though. You can only work on a toxic communication skill when the person is willing to realise they're being toxic and take responsability.

So when your DP says "he wants to talk to sort things through", he literally means HE wants to talk and you need to listen and obey from the sounds of it because if you are even trying to calmly write it down so you can get it all out and he is refusing to read it, then that is pretty passive aggressive and I can understand why you are so frustrated. You must feel very "unheard" and misunderstood. Sounds like you need some emotional support in areas that he finds easy because he has not had to face the challenges that you have and he lacks empathy. This is not what you hope for in a life partner and it certainly won't help the relationship.

Can I ask what changed, as things must have been good to begin with? If you really don't want to walk away and he is saying he doesn't and you feel unheard, then the only recourse is counselling or mediation so at least you can say how you feel and know you have done everything.

Failing that, timing is everything, don't blurt it all out in the midst of an argument, wait for a calm, reasonable moment, ask him how he feels and make it clear you are listening without being confrontational and tell him you will think it over. Then tell him you want to calmly explain to him your feelings and what him to go away and think it over and you can meet up in a few days to discuss it further. Don't blame, accuse, just explain your feelings, your thought processes and why you feel this way.

My husband finds it really easy to compartmentalise problems, I do not. If I have a row with a family member it makes me really down, because of my difficult family history but for him its out of sight, out of mind and it just doesn't affect him. I have an inbuilt fear I cannot shake off that it will build to something bigger (based on my past experiences, whereas his family life was very calm). Its taken a long time to see each others perspective and to find a middle path that works for us both.