How do I stop being an easy target? Lost all my 'friends' (Mumsnet was right)

[lb640]

I posted before and so appreciated the replies, kind of an update and another rant here.
I really need help to sort my social skills out.

To keep it short as possible, I have spent 7 years being increasingly mistreated by people I thought were close friends.

Reached new heights that a mechanic friend lumbered me with a dangerous dodgy car and sacked me, they all sneer and talk down to me, the main bully used me to make a girl jealous and spreads rumours, and they all make a show of leaving me out (sitting outside at a pub I have to drive past to get home), they also love stirring s*.

My closest friend in the group claimed she was still my friend and wanted to keep me and missed me.

I'm terrified to be alone and struggle with depression (of which this and a lot of past childhood and adult bullying is a part).
Im alone with no family or friends now.

.....mumsnet was right that she may be dodgy. Turns out that she's an utter horror too.
Again to keep it short I was perfectly civil and friendly at a get together. I want to keep the group of friends (stupidly)

But she decided to inform me at the end that "it's clear I hate so and so and this person.. "

She couldn't give my shocked self any examples of what I do to show this apparently.

She started getting aggressive and shouting at me when I stood my ground and pressed her. She tried some laughably bad fake crying for 5 seconds before giving up to continue yelling at me.

Said I expect her to remember hundreds of conversations where i show i hate them all (Which I definitely don't, I asked for what I'm doing wrong as how else can I fix it)

She said its on me that I explained i feel increasingly uncomfortable to stay in the group then, and said I'm twisting her words by saying I feel like that.

She said things I'm doing are actually so inconsequential that it's not worth mentioning! (But she did!)

She also said would I rather she lied to me and also threatened to dump me if I carried on protesting and not accepting what she was saying about me doing these unspecified things to the others. (Still refsuing to say what)

This links in with the main bullies desperately playing victim. Seems she backs them after all.

The worst crap-stirring girl bounced up with a cheerful "can I help" at one point smiling.

I'm thinking they are just picking drama? I did nothing wrong that evening and for once im 100% confident in that.

Oh and she also told the others the things I'd told her in strict confidence during my despair about trying to keep my friends (namely that I asked if she can help me leave a few mins before the main bully so I'm not left alone with him).
She's told the bully that! So bully is now the poor victim.

But I've been labelled paranoid and twisting everyones words and reading things wrong.

So called best friend says main bully is nothing to do with this?!!

She has also just sent me money back from a hotel we were going to stay at and she's taking someone else! She's not speaking to me now and painting me as bad guy as usual.

So just to ask, if your friend had spent months upset and very anxious over keeping friends while just wanting to stop the bad behaviour....would you then after a good evening dump "it's clear you hate A and B, we can see it, everyone says it" on them without details to give?

What else could her intention have been? It was hardly constructive, I can't think of what I could have done.

Am I being unreasonable? I'm on eggshells with what I say around the group but I don't think that's showing hatred? I was trying to get on with them!

Also as realised thanks to great advice before, how the hell did I get here? Bullied all the time and taken for a mug?

I'm so stressed trying to get shot of this dangerous car, and get a loan for a new one, and finding new work....

I've done so much for this people and have never even thought of doing to them what they've done to me! Or to anyone!

I've improved so much socially, and when alone my friends always said I'm a great person.

Is it because I've taken too many years of letting crap treatment happen and this is why they can't cope that I've had enough now and want it to stop? So it was always doomed?

So do I just need to start again?

Thing is yes I am paranoid you could call it...because I'm waiting for a sign of the constant bullying I've always experienced. I try and meet new people and they seem nice but I can't trust anyone anymore.

This is so unfair. I don't even know if I'm crazy or not anymore!

Oh my god, all that drama! Just block them all. They are not your friends, possibly never were. You can't change the dynamic and turn them into good friends now because that's not who they are.

it's them not you.

I haven’t read through the whole scenario but I would consider therapy. Work on yourself, your self esteem, putting boundaries in place. I’ve felt hurt by so called friends in the past. Now I know im stronger and only let in people I can trust and rely on. I have friendships that are completely different to the past. I know it hurts but if they can’t see how you feel they aren’t your friends. Consider activities/sports where you can socialise differently but be kind to yourself. It is probably them not you. Normally there is a ring leader and others follow.

I would cut off from these people . In future don't over share and don't tell anyone you have been bullied . If you tell people you have been bullied in the past , people will see you as an easy target and the bullying starts again . People will test out your boundaries. Listen to your gut instinct about people. It's usually right .

PLEASE GET AWAY FROM THESE HORRIBLE PEOPLE. Capital letters for urgency. Flush the whole group, lonely and hurtful a prospect that might be. There'll be others, better ones in future, you'll see. These aren't your friends. They're a bunch of cruel parasites living off your kindness and in your mind. Friendship is a reciprocal thing. It's meant to be mutually beneficial, warm, reliable and above all RESPECTFUL. That sort of treatment keeps a friendship growing in value over years.

Not this. What's going on is bullying plain and simple. Please don't endure what you don't have to, don't do that.

Just dump the lot, wholesale and without word. Don't explain yourself to them either because you'll find yourself upset, defending your point and pulled right back downwards, where bullies like to keep you. Crabs in a bucket, so to speak. Give them no more of your airtime.

Have a lovely day

Your problem is 'you want to keep this group of friends'. WHY?

This is not a normal set of interactions within a friendship group. Regardless of right and wrong, the situation is untenable and I think you need to step away.

They're not your friends, op. The most concerning part of your post is that you think they are.

you sound like such a genuine and kind person. Please kick this nasty bunch to the kerb, they’re not your friends and you deserve so much better.

Too long, didn't read, but I got the gist.

Are you all 12? Ffs, dump them all quietly and book yourself into therapy to explore why you're an easy target and teach you to establish healthy boundaries.

Dump quietly by just going missing. Block phone numbers and emails, don't respond to any messages that get through, take yourself off to pastures new.

You cannot possibly feel as lonely alone as you already do with people who make you feel so crap. You're the only one who can change this.

There are some people who need drama you seem to be one of these, it is not healthy

Read up or watch videos on narcissistic abuse and scapegoating. Your passivity, people pleasing tendencies, and childhood experience have left you vulnerable to creeping relational abuse. Sometimes these friend groups turn on a weaker member just for fun. You can not cure it. You just have to leave.

Sorry I couldn't actually get through your post. Why continue to see these people? Just walk away, protect yourself, you are putting yourself in these situations unnecessarily. Forget who said what, who is right and who is wrong, Draw a line, and walk away life is to short.

Block the lot of them. They all sound like bullies. And not only that, they sound like extraordinarily tedious company. Why would you want to spend your time with people who try to provoke arguments over absolutely nothing and go on and on about them?

I know you don’t want to be alone, but could you join a couple of hobby groups and see if you enjoy getting to know people there? You don’t need to share any of the things from your past which make you feel
vulnerable. Just keep things light and casual.

This all sounds utterly exhausting, OP. You will feel so much better without these people in your life.

Cut them off.

You'll feel so much lighter.

It's better to be alone than have these people in your life.

“I'm terrified to be alone and struggle with depression (of which this and a lot of past childhood and adult bullying is a part).
Im alone with no family or friends now”

And there’s your issue op. Bullies can sense this. They sniff out the weakest link, the one who’s scared to be alone, the one who has low self esteem and confidence and the one who is just desperate to be liked and fit in. I had a similar life to you in my younger age. Always scared of being alone. I even used to sit next to girls who I knew hated me at school as I did not want to be sat at a table on my own. Once you start taking control of your life and cut these evil people out of your life, block them and move on, you will feel so much better. Once you work on your self esteem and confidence and stop entertaining these type of people, learn to walk away from them and put clear boundaries in place you will find you attract less negativity and toxic people.

They’re not friends.
Take a deep breath and walk away from the lot of them

What @littlebopeepp234 has written and a great post on turning it around most people are ok but a few take genuine delight in drama and upsetting people and they will only do it to people who will put up with it. Some may really dislike this slant as it seems like victim blaming, it isn’t it’s just how they work. At the first sign of crap people need to pull people up or walk away.

OP, I remember a previous post of yours, the one about your former friends having arranged to be sitting about conspicuously outside a pub in order for you to be aware you were excluded. ...?

There's absolutely no point in asking a bunch of internet strangers who was right and who was wrong here. None of what you describe sounds at all normal.

As pps have said, you need therapy to figure out what is going on for you to repeatedly find yourself in these kinds of unpleasant group dynamics.

The one (counter-intuitive) thing I have discovered from a lot of therapy is that when you engage in a situation, even one that appears to be deeply unpleasant, you are getting something from it. I think one of the thing you should focus on in therapy is on working out what you were getting from this group of people who appear to have mistreated you badly, and why, eve after all this, you are still anxious to keep them as friends. Are you, for instance, addicted to this kind of teenage 'he said/she said' drama? Are you so terrified of solitude that even being consistently mistreated is better? Is it, in your head, better to be disliked and mistreated than simply not figuring at all?

Forget trying to analyse their motivations. Focus on yourself.

I would bet good money that this friend who you said was the closest one to you out of the group is at the centre of all this bullying and drama, I would say she is likely the dominating factor in all these issues, and likely the root of it all. I would imagine she’s been playing you off against everyone for years!!

Just cut them all off dead, I would rather be completely alone in the world than have these type of so called friends in my life. I think as much as you say you fear being alone and without friends I think actually you might surprise yourself how much better you’ll feel once you go no contact dump and block the toxic lot of them once and for all.

@lb640 are these all people you work with?

You need to get a different job and just have a professional relationship with colleagues. In time you might choose to get closer to some, but it is not expected or necessary.

I suspect if this lot are your colleagues you won’t ever hear from them again if you leave.

To me (and I may have misunderstood) this looks like small business where everyone is a bit pal-y pal-y and you think you are friends until something like redundancies come along then it’s every man for himself. Especially if there is a weak boss who lets things go too much and has his/her favourites and doesn’t run a tight ship. Then there is bullying passed off as ‘banter’. Not OK.

My advice is leave and block the lot of them.

No, I think the OP just did some work on a freelance basis for the former 'friend' who mis-sold her the bad car. I I don't think it's generally a work-related group. The OP, from what I remember from a previous post, had a long history of being bullied in childhood and adulthood, and from what she says, has presented in ways that suggest she's vulnerable -- chewing on her hands, muteness, panic attacks. She was 'happy' with these people who mistreated her for quite a few years, on the basis that she thinks it's better to be mistreated than have no 'friends', as I gather she's estranged from her family.

It's often slated, but cognitive behavioural therapy was a game changer for me. It helps address unhelpful mindsets such as "Why are they all against me?" "Why am I always picked on?" etc etc.

These people are clearly wankers- OK, it happens to the best of us. Cut them out of your life and find some, good, decent people to associate with- they are out there.

TL:DR.

What I did read sounds like a bunch of silly school kids. You need to move on.