Sister in law

[PineappleDoesBelong]

My mother in law is terrible with money, she's not elderly per say just turned 60 but hasn't worked in years.
She whittles her money away and leaves herself skint all the time.

She's just moved and I had to help do it all as DH was busy working & his sister couldn't be arsed not even to come up for one weekend to help her move despite having her own van.
I got her the property as she was struggling to do the forms on her phone. I spent months chasing to get her sorted. While my sister in law did absolutely nothing, even accused me ironically enough at one point of not helping her mother when I've done literally everything.

The problem is now MIL is stuck without money. She messed up with her bills, thinking her rent would be cheaper when it's not. Now she has no money for food or petrol. She keeps texting me saying she has nothing and I've told her to ask my sister in law as we don't have enough to lend (and frankly why should I after being run into the ground for months while her daughter ignores it all!) and mil still keeps saying she has no money.

Would it be wrong of me to text my sister in law and explain that I've done everything for her mother and she now needs to put her hand in her pocket and help her out?

I have my own parents who have health problems, my kids have disabilities and so do I and I feel like my sister in law has massively took advantage of me here and I'm feeling furious. Am I wrong to feel like this?

@PineAppleDoesBelong Get your mil involved with CAP (Christians Against Poverty), which is a free non-profit making debt service. They do far more to help than other debt services.

They will sort your mil debts out, get her on a budget and money course, and also supply her with a basic food shop. They then deal with the debt companies, so she has money to live on, is the base of their service

They will also check whether she is entitled to any help with her rent and council tax, too.

Your mil needs help, support, etc, so this doesn't happen again. If she refuses to take it, tell her she is on her own. Don't enable her.

You do not have to be Christian to access this service. It was a service set up a lot of years who by a Christian man who lost his city banking job.

Without his own knowledge of how to survive and deal with debt, he would have been made bankrupt. Hence why the service was set up by him and now is all over the country.

This link will take you to the main page where you can get the local no for it.

capuk.org/

For food without any referral suggest using the OLIO app - this is an app to prevent food being wasted that is still good to eat.
Anyone can ask the volunteers who collect from supermarkets and local businesses. The food is available to everyone.

U have done ur bit. Now step back and let someone else take over. In all honestly the woman should be doing it all herself, and can I just say 60 is not old!! She should be working and sorting out her own finances.

Hun don't block the sil, it's maybe she's been used over they years and has washed her hands for a
Reason. The trick here is to tell the mother that no one will be helping her now unless absolute emergency. She is freeloading on your goodwill. Ur sh and sil prob had it all their lives. Stand back, text sil a message along the lines of hi....... im sorry to message but ive had a long think and im exhausted with your mum. She needs to learn to do things for
Herself and so im stepping back for now, i have too much else going on to deal with your mums financial problems and lack of effort. I truly understand if you can't help cos she is really hard work but at least she will know we both won't be bailing her out her messes and she has to take responsibility for her own actions. Sure u will understand.

She has help with another debt charity who the council put her in touch with they are supposed to be sorting this all out for her with her bills etc but in the meantime she's falling behind & has no money.
I'm just so stressed she's not the only one struggling and I have kids to feed & it's the bloody summer holidays I can't even afford to take my kids out for the day! I can't keep going around in circles with her.

You need to reframe your thinking of her as as a vulnerable old woman. I'm in my 50s with siblings aged 60 and over. They're all still working and out doing normal activities. I see no difference in any of them yet due to to age. If she had a disability that's different. How bad can her eye sight be if she is still driving? This is not your DM. Step away. She is taking from your family.
She has also set you up against your SIL. Neither your DH or her should be helping to the extent you are.

She's blind in one eye but does a active hobby so I don't think she's as bad as she says. I don't know it's hard to say with disabilities I guess as you can't tell how someone feels.

I think your all right I need to step back and just get DH to deal with it all from now on. I didn't sleep well as I was stressed as she kept saying she had nothing in to eat, just ughhhh.

If you don't feel they are doing enough than you can help her move to another company. However I do agree that you need to step back and let your DH and SiL sort it out. I would suggest a new debt company because I know that CAP take a far more holistic approach. Though I would let your SH and DSiL sort it, As others have said she can go to the foodbank. As she has lost her sight in one eye it is worth looking at whether she can get PIP

You are being manipulated by your MIL who will always want more. Your SIL is probably wise to this.

Ignore her messages or reply saying she needs to contact her children.

I am 63 and fully self sufficient financially, physically and mentally. Stop enabling mil to be useless. Your sil is under no obligation to financially support her mother, your husband has told you to step away. Block MIL problem solved.

Create a WhatsApp group with your husband and sister in law, say this is to discuss all things MIL, and then leave the group. It’s up to them, she’s not your mother and make that clear

It sounds like the mother needs to apply for this if she is not working

She may also be eligible for reduced price TV licence

https://www.gov.uk/universal-credit

Your husband/SIL/MIL have a mug and a fool made of you.
Block their numbers and tell your husband you don't want to hear another word about her.
Kind people like you are always used.
Put an end to it, you have enough on your plate.
Good men do not do this to their wives, selfish men do.
Stop it all now or you will end up her carer.

I'd add in if SiL contacts you about anything to do with MiL, go "broken record" on her ass too with phrases like :
"She's your mother SiL, not mine. I have my own parents to worry about and run after and I don't need to take on someone else's"
"You need to speak to DH about that going forwards, not me. He's your brother after all"
"I'm not able to help here as I have my own parents to run around after. You'll have to discuss this with your brother"
Or words to that effect.

I'm 62, blind in one eye, still drive - and I also work full time and am fully independent. Your MIL is just a manipulative CF who you should just bin off.

Focus on your own family. But please, don't let yourself believe that your role is to 'run around' after anyone at all, including parents, husbands and teenagers (I'll allow children up to the age of about 8, and genuinely sick people so long as they bloody appreciate it). Your role is to live your own life. You need to start being selfish OP.

You can’t get PIP for being blind in one eye! Especially as the woman is driving and does an active hobby. Whatever next - PIP for people who wear reading glasses?

Sounds like just one of those “helpless” people who expects everyone to enable them, bail them out and absolve them from any responsibility. Those saying “leave it to the dh” I’d be a bit wary, as he may well give money they can’t afford to his dm for a quiet life or because he’s guilted into it (personal experience of this ).

You can get PIP for any health condition. It depends on how it affects you and if you have any other health issues.

Having an active hobby doesn't stop you from getting pip. PIP is for the help you need, whether you get it or not doing the activity. It's not based so much on condition. Pip is based on help needed

You have made the choice to help, your sister in law has decided not to. I wonder what kind of an upbringing she had if her mother is this chaotic? The mil could live for decades. I don’t think your sil should be responsible for her mother. You need to decide your way forward, leave others to make their own decisions.

She needs to get a job! My mum is blind in one eye and it’s didn’t stop her working. Also if she is driving then there are many jobs she is capable of doing - it sounds like she just doesn’t want to. I’d be offering her a final helping hand to fill in some job applications.

Forward all messages to your DH, if he has any sense he’ll forward to his sister.

Repeat action as required.

Neither you nor sil is obligated to help her financially. Maybe sil can’t afford to help her.
Does she have mental health problems? I would leave this for your DH to sort out.

I might be flamed for saying this but if MIL has always been like this she may have some underlying learning difficulties. However, I would focus your help on encouraging her to look for work, apply for UC. This is not your responsibility. She needs to take some responsibility for situation. It maybe that she needs to move to a cheaper place. Can the council/housing association help?

@PiPineappleDoesBelong @Justspeculating45 I agree! I was thinking that myself.

It's sounds like there may be a case for an ADHD test OP. You can get a free paper for it online first to look at.

Maybe get your MiL to look at after you have shown it to your DH and SiL.

It means there is help available if she is. Incidently, whilst high functioning, I was 58 when I got a diagnosis of autism.

I always knew something wasn't right. A set of circumstances led me to ask for a diagnosis on the back of seeing the diagnosis form

It’s not up to you, your husband or your SIL to bail your MIL out of her financial problems.

She had a go at you? You reply ‘the key word here is YOUR mum, and I didn’t see you over there filling out forms and transferring money and moving house. I’m stressed and overloaded and stepping back, over to you.’