Just really sad

[marshmallowboy]

I always knew I was not the favourite child but it's just been made very clear to me, again. I'm in my 50's. I'd moved on. Treated my parents with nothing but respect kindness and love all my life. Always there for them but accepted that they did a lot more for my sibling.
They have just made it very clear again to me, that they favour my sibling to an amazing degree. They are old, but they know what they are doing and it's just such a slap in the face. Never going to be good enough. It still hurts, especially when it is so blatant . I guess just a shout out of solidarity with all the unfavoured siblings out there. The audacity of being born. So rude of us!
(and we should stop crying - well I should , and be proud that we made it through as lovely people). Yet to meet a non-favoured child who wasn't an absolute champion . ( except myself as I'm a wimp - but everyone else).

We can't help who we love, and we can't help who we like. I'm afraid that goes for our children as well. There's a connection there with the favoured child, and although we shouldn't make it obvious, unfortunately some people do. In your shoes, I would have just stepped away and tried to concentrate on ordinary friendships.

Yes I do have friends, more than the favoured one who is not and never been "social". They are very dependent on our parents. I supppose I should look at that as a good thing.

You seem to have a lot of resentment towards your sibling - I feel this is misplaced. My brother was the favoured child, party our grandparents. After they died we had a long chat about it and I realised how hard it was for him too. Greater expectations, more pressure and guilt towards me. It’s affected his attitude towards his own children too.
It’s a horrible situation to be in, but unless you feel able to confront your parents about it (and they probably won’t see it the same way as you anyway) you are probably better to step away from them and spent time with people who value you properly.

You need to lower your expectations and accept that your parents aren't going to change.

What did they do?

Hi @marshmallowboy I feel the same with my sibling. 6 years older than me and despite numerous affairs, lies, treats people like dirt and has no remorse for their actions, my parents bend over backwards to help them. Refused to celebrate any milestones in my life as felt the other would get jealous etc. I’ve spent years feeling not good enough and have only recently realised that only I can change my feelings about it, whereas their dynamic will always be the same.

I’ve come to realise how many friends I’ve made (probably to fill the void they left) , I have so many different people in my life from all sorts of backgrounds, and have had so many different experiences and friendships. I’m close to extended family members as well, just not them.

I’ve moved house, been through a divorce, had children, learned to drive, renovated a house, changed jobs, established contact with all sorts of tradesmen and interesting people and sorted out my finances all without their help. Yet my sibling really struggles in life in their late 40s, they wouldn’t know where to start with things like finances or sorting childcare for their child when they already hardly see them as my parents do it all for them, their world is really small and limiting. I do actually feel real pity for them now. Their reliance on our parents will really put them at a disadvantage when they need care themselves or pass away. I just leave them all to it now and make my own way in life, I’m so much happier without all the comparisons.

My DP massively favoured my brother practically and financially but that was because he is an evil piece of shit and couldn't survive without them. I most definitely could survive and have thrived on my own, and I'm proud of that.

I never felt angry with my DP though. I felt sorry for them for having to love such a horrible person, for never being able to just let him go. He blighted their lives. That said, I do know they loved me deeply. Before they died, they each told me how proud they were of me, and they told my DC that too. Evil brother of course wasn't there to help them in their hour of need. In prison both times.

You cannot heal from a toxic family while you remain actively in it.
They will not change, leave them to it and protect yourself.
There is a thread on Mumsnet called 'stately homes' dedicated to the adult children of toxic /dysfunctional parents and families.

You could be me! Thanks ( belatedly for your lovely msg)

Oh gosh! Nothing terrible so that's why I thought everythng was ok and was just a wimp.
I mean he threw my whole bedroom down the outside stairs , and I mean my my wardrobe, clothes, bed ( He'd yelled at me and I'd told him to fuck off - first and only time). Not my finest hour I admit but I was so long at the public phone box ( cause idiot boyfriend wasn't answering his phone ) , that a lovely boy came down from a unit across the road and said his mum was worried about me . I said ok , but I will need to see your mum first before I come in and withthat my mum pulled up in our car, she'd been ringing everyone and looking for me for 2 hours.
I remember cleaning up several casserole dishes that were thrown against th wall. I remember mum crying and taking a lot of paracetamol. My older sister hated me ( just for being born reallY) but I thought I had a lovely happy childhood.
The only time I was ever in trouble ( and this I remember clearly) was my older sister said yet another horrible thing to me and I ( the worlds most unathletic oerson) managed to swing around and kick her coccyx and break it. It was just before Easter and my sister got a massive fluffy easter bunny and I got 1 tiny egg, Oh well, I mean I did kick her but she was being horrible and who knew a 10 yo had that much strength, I;ll stop now. Mum and dad both have dementia but dad won't sign a form unless my sister is their to approve. There is way more to this story so ta to people who got this far,

Shit well that really sucks. So sorry!