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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Should I leave my husband?

12 replies

Savageone · 23/07/2024 02:16

SHOULD I LEAVE MY HUSBAND???
Is my husband a jerk? I am mad because he went out 5 out of 7 nights. He says this is acceptable, because he only had a few drinks. He does smoke or do drugs. He has really changed in the past few years. We moved, he misses his old friends and he is very unhappy with the move. The move was a great decision for the rest of the family. Over the past few years he has been unsupportive. Has said, when I said I was tired, “ you got what you asked for “. Has called me fat and said I need to lose weight. Has insulted my family. Has complained about my job. I found out he googled where do find an escort, but promised he never called. He said he was just curious. Now he’s mad because I got really upset when he went out again. We were arguing and he said someone was at the door then never called, just texted 5 hours later, when he arrived home. He says it’s all my fault and I’m sensitive and we never should have moved. Obviously there’s more to this as far as shitty things he has said. My daughter has one year left of high school and I’m considering leaving. I haven’t told my children or family about any of this do I feel they will not understand. Any advice pleas….SHOULD

OP posts:
autienotnaughti · 23/07/2024 02:43

How my any kids do you have and how old?

Going out wouldn't bother me if he was fully enmeshed in family life/contributed to the home. But just happened to have a few social things happening all at once and we have lots of quality time together. But if it's him going out and not caring what you think then no that sucks.

Calling you fat is awful and cruel and suggests he doesn't care about your feelings.

The escort thing is massively concerning and suggests he is thinking of paying for sec or at least company.

If you want to leave I'd take it one step at a time. For now id plan -

Who would leave the house?
How would you manage financially?
What would time with kids look like?

Savageone · 23/07/2024 02:59

He’s going to meet his friends at the pub. Five out of seven nights to be is ridiculous. 4 children, only one still home.
I keep rehashing the escort incident. Over and over. I feel he was looking to cheat.

OP posts:
Galectable · 23/07/2024 03:04

He is not committed to your relationship. See a lawyer, work out your best strategy, then tell him you want him to leave. It may scare him into sorting himself out and stop his selfish behaviour. He may be depressed? He may also have a problem with alcohol. I hope you find a path forward that brings you happiness.

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/07/2024 03:19

I found out he googled where do find an escort, but promised he never called. He said he was just curious.

Well he would say that, wouldn't he? They all do.

ReadingTrain · 23/07/2024 08:33

I would guess he is biding his time until the youngest finishes high school or leaves home.

I would detach emotionally and in my head, so I wouldn't care anymore if he cheats or if he goes out every night unless the child needed him for something and he wasn't there then I would talk, I wouldn't kiss or sleep with him or expect him to do romantic and caring husband things. I would treat him like we are already divorced.

If you can be civil and respectfully coparent, then I would stay together 'officially' as a couple if it's better for me and the child financially until circumstances are better to officially separate.

cupcaske123 · 23/07/2024 08:37

He's disengaged. It seems as though his change in behaviour started when you moved and he's obviously resentful of that. He is being disrespectful to you by being critical and not telling you what he's doing.

It doesn't sound like he wants to be in a relationship anymore.

Savageone · 23/07/2024 20:13

Thank you all. Yes, he’s resentful, but I spent 20 years living where he wanted. I also pay all the bills now. He has some bills, maybe 1/4 of what I have. He says he’s happy. He just wants to have it all his way.

OP posts:
cupcaske123 · 23/07/2024 20:17

Savageone · 23/07/2024 20:13

Thank you all. Yes, he’s resentful, but I spent 20 years living where he wanted. I also pay all the bills now. He has some bills, maybe 1/4 of what I have. He says he’s happy. He just wants to have it all his way.

I'm sure he's delighted! He does whatever he wants and is bankrolled.

XChrome · 23/07/2024 20:37

Savageone · 23/07/2024 02:59

He’s going to meet his friends at the pub. Five out of seven nights to be is ridiculous. 4 children, only one still home.
I keep rehashing the escort incident. Over and over. I feel he was looking to cheat.

He probably did go through with it. You have no way of knowing for sure if he is actually out with friends all those nights. If it was me, I'd strongly suspect he was trolling for prostitutes or bar hook-ups at least some of those nights.
The bottom line is that he is verbally abusive to you, so the other things he does pale in comparison to that. Abusers don't change, except to move from verbal/emotional abuse to physical abuse.
Yes, leave him. Don't waste any more of your life being treated this way.

Ourdearoldqueen · 23/07/2024 20:44

Perhaps if you did your hair and makeup nicer, and planned his dinners better, he would stay in more? Maybe be ready at the end of a hard day with a drink and slippers for him, and some delicious food, served with you wearing a little negligee or similar?

Alternatively divorce him and take every penny off the useless sack of skin he is.

HTH.

Babbahabba · 23/07/2024 20:56

You haven't listed one reason you should stay with him.

Savageone · 24/07/2024 00:26

I can’t think of a reason myself anymore. I just feel because I have never voiced a bad word about him, no one will think it’s as bad as it has been. And, I don’t want his children to know what a jerk he is. I’m embarrassed now reading this that I put up with it for so long.

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