Desperate for advice

[Lostsoul64]

This is difficult, hard to talk about, but time to make a change. I work hard, earn well, don’t stray, everything I do I do for my family. But here is the issue, my wife is always putting me down, very clever about it always behind closed doors, just constant digs and prods. We have been together for 26 years fantastic sex life even though I’m now 60. We have our 22 year old son living with us and he has now started with the same traits but gets very aggressive. Yesterday after much for a better word metal abuse he got physical. To which point I threw him out of the house, my wife tonight has come home and has been very aggressive in her behaviour and to put it bluntly totally taken our sons side and he is strutting around the house with his girlfriend as if nothing happened.

i have now emotionally had enough but what do I do? We have a nice home, a very small mortgage, I pay all the mortgage and bills never moan about it, how do I get out of this mess, I can’t just walk away with nothing but I deserve to be happy.

I am a very private person, so won’t bring friends into, I have no other family both my parents passed many years ago. And I lost two brothers one who passed when he was 21. I also had a minor health scare earlier in the year when I had a mild stroke

any advice would be most welcomed

Where has your son gone?

He stayed at his girlfriends last night, but is here now as if nothing happened

Did he attack you? In what way was he aggressive?

Is your wife abusive in other ways for example is she controlling or coercive? You say she got aggressive, in what way?

Firstly decide whether you want to stay in the relationship with her or not ?
Then it will be easier to work out the next steps .
Your son has overstepped by becoming physical - has he apologised/have you spoken about what happened with him ? But I expect your relationship with him has probably not been good for some time - how did it get to this stage ?

I think your wife / marriage and your son are two different issues that need to be addressed separately. If you split with your wife - do you want a relationship with your son ?

so many decisions to think about making here - take some time to think about what you want from both your wife and your son . It all sounds quite toxic . Maybe mediation could help with communication - whether you split or stay .

So separate from your wife and get on with the rest of your life. No reason to assume you'll be left with nothing. My husband abandoned me and my daughter, but still gets half the proceeds from sale of the house we bought together despite me having put in far more financially than him.

Oh. So you didn't actually throw him out, then.

What has your wonderful sex life got to do with this?

I had the same thought...

These men, always telling us what studs they are. 60 and still more than capable, eh?

OP, I’m not sure quite why you are getting such a hard time.

But divorce is going to cost you half the assets. Which you probably need to accept.
In divorce the most aggressive person gets rewarded so bear that in mind.

With regards your son, you will have to cut off all oxygen supplies. So no money, including uni fees, nothing. Put his stuff out, dump at the girlfriend’s and tell her why.
being a ‘private person’ is working against you and you need to stop that.

Same with your wife- she won’t stop: so you have to organize it that she doesn’t get the opportunity to do that. Yes you great sex life🤮 is going to take a hit-but you get self respect and a backbone in exchange.

It sounds like emotional abuse, OP. That's down to a character flaw and will rarely, if ever, change.
Did the son get physical with you?
My advice is to extricate yourself from this relationship. It sounds awful. How can you have great sex with somebody who treats you so poorly?

OP said in the first paragraph: he threw the son out. Then his wife came home, took the son’s side and the son is now home.

How can you have great sex with somebody who treats you so poorly?

Well exactly. That's why I questioned why he'd mentioned it.

He didn't really throw him out, then.
Just asked him to go elsewhere for the night.

Many long marriages run into trouble when partners get bored with each other. Sex life is relevant here. A partner who feels rejected may well become hostile.

However, OP is saying he can’t see a reason for his wife’s hostility, as he works hard, is devoted to the family, sex life is still good etc.

Sorry to read this OP, it sounds tough. In what way did your son get physical, what actually happened and can you say what the mental abuse involved? Re both your wife and son ganging up on you, can you pinpoint anything in particular that sets this off? If you're being emotionally abused then l'd seriously be thinking of separating.

I might be in the minority here but it sounds to me like the first step in your situation is not to just leave your wife.

It seems likely that, because you’re a private person, you’ve probably not communicated to your wife effectively or at all how the little digs make you feel and she may not really be aware she is doing it and/or that it’s more to you than a bit of light hearted banter.

For example, with my ex he used to cook a lot. He really enjoyed it and wound spend ages on things. However, he often lost track of time and we would end up eating at 11pm or something. I would often comment on the time when we sat down to eat or (to me light heartedly) refer to dinner as a midnight feast or similar. When we split up, one of the reasons he cited was that I was horrible and derogatory to him about his cooking when he had put a lot of effort into it. It had never occurred to me that he wasn’t laughing along too and it was a bit of gentle ribbing in a relationship.

Obviously directly insulting you, physical violence or overstepping boundaries you’ve been clear about etc etc fall outside of this camp but can you just sit down your wife (and son separately) and have an honest conversation about where you are in your head with the relationship, what you expect and what and need from her and what affect her behaviours are having?

If she still does things after knowing explicitly how much they hurt you, then she’s told you how much she values you and you can walk away without regret and what ifs.

I wish I had known and could have saved my previous relationship and I would’ve stopped immediately if I had any idea the little things were upsetting my ex.

As to leaving without anything, you’re not. What you’re leaving with, if you choose to leave, is a future with happiness in it where you can be surrounded by people who respect and value you. And that is better than sticking to the status quo for fear of change.

I really hope it works out for you and I’m sorry you’re not happy

Do you think your relationship has run its course? If so, can you tell your wife and split assets/split up? Sell the house? She seems to feel contempt for you so I’m not sure you can come back from this.