Questioning myself

[Ctips1968]

Hi
I've been with my partner of 53 for almost 4 years. He's handsome 6ft and has a great sense of humour. We're compatible in many ways as we both have similar morals and goals.
I initially disregarded possible red flags as they were minimal at first and only came up now and again.
Looking back I can now see how they've surfaced more frequently.
He's unable to regulate his drinking, he has no off switch. He's unable to pop in for a couple and walk away. He drinks a bottle of wine every weeknight and more at the weekends. He gets very angry easily and calls me names. If I challenge him, I'm called manipulative and controlling. The hardest part to deal with is the gaslighting, whatever I say is recounted back to me entirely differently, to make it seem I said something completely different.
I've asked him to leave (my house) which he's doing, but why do I feel so devastated and sad and questioning myself. There were so many good times outside of this behaviour.

It creeps up on you and addicts are very very good at pretending. But it leaks out in the end. I'm so sorry

Don’t question yourself. You are doing the right thing. You don’t have to take the bad with the good at all. The bad is really bad and would only get worse. The mind games and threatening behaviour will escalate as you are trying to get him to leave. Stay safe, have someone else there with you, make it as swift as possible. Then breathe.

He gets very angry easily and calls me names. If I challenge him, I'm called manipulative and controlling.

Well there you are. This is who he is. He feels entitled to take his anger out on you and verbally abuse you and you may not complain about it.
This is your role as far as he is concerned...to absorb his shit without complaint.
He won't change.
I hope you value yourself more than this.

He needs to leave assp. If another person can be with you when he leaves all the better. Your own recovery from his alcoholism will not properly start until he is out of your life completely.

Look at your boundaries going forward and do not enter into a relationship in the meantime. Your boundaries perhaps already skewed by previous poor relationships have been further harmed by this man now.

You’re thinking of the good times but if you were to examine that more closely you would likely find those good times were becoming fewer and further between due to drink. Also it is natural to feel sad when a relationship ends. Do not get bogged down in your sunk costs.

his primary relationship is with drink, not you and it’s never been you either. You may find it useful to contact al-anon as they are for those affected by another person’s drinking.

Thank you so much for your advice and taking the time to reassure me.
@AttilaTheMeerkat you're so right, his primary relationship is with alcohol rather than me, there was never any genuine affection which I craved. No heartfelt words or emotional understanding.
Every picture had to have a drink in it, as if it was some type of trophy.
I know this is the right decision logically but it's never as easy as it should be, because despite the drinking, bouts of anger and name calling, there were good times as well.
Writing this down has helped me see it all more clearly.