DM playing family off against one another

[Ratherbeaspoonthanafork]

Name changed for this post elderly DM seems to be playing games and favourites and playing family members off against each other.

How do you handle this if on the receiving end constantly having your offers and invites knocked back and rebuffed in favour of others?

Want to have a clear conscience or would go no contact but actually love her as she is my DM and would like to spend some time with her but don’t think its reciprocated and feel last on the list.

I don’t think she fits a narcissistic profile. Maybe I am being naive but she does sometimes twist things so nothing is her fault but more in the form of excuses. Think she wants to play the victim sad lonely and no visitors we don’t understand what its like without DF etc but then picks and chooses what offers she will take up, which to knock back think etc. It seems like power games and she wants to dictate and control when we will visit and say so and so has done this for me etc etc.

Drop the rope she holds out to you and have no part in your mother’s games. It’s ok to withdraw completely from her and besides which you would not put up with this behaviour from a friend. Regardless of why she is like this her behaviour is not at all acceptable.

It is called triangulation and one of the worst and most harmful traits of a narcissist.

My MIL went like that, playing favourites and slagging off DS1's family to DS2's family and vice versa. Telling wider family no one bothered with her blah blah.

We handled it by having DS1 and DS2 (hence my DH and BIL) keeping in touch to compare stories and keep one step ahead of her shit stirring.

In hindsight this was the very beginnings of dementia......

Thanks all. Actually @Psychoticbreak just looked into triangulation and this fits our family dynamics exactly.

My DM’s DF also behaved in this exact way which she hated as she generally came off worst in her own family dynamics.

Do you think it would be beneficial meeting up with my DSIS without DM present? I very rarely see her 1 to 1 at all. So DM will tell DSIS things I have said and vice versa. When I do see her which is rare we get on well. My DSIS and her daughter seem to be the favoured ones I am way way down the pecking order.

I often think about DM’s funeral as she is early 80’s. DN will be giving a teary speech. DSIS and DN will hold centre stage and I will feel like taking my place at the back of the church (or even outside to reflect my place and standing in the family.

@Ratherbeaspoonthanafork I have tried this. She always manipulates them again or more truth they are afraid to call her on her lies or 'get involved' as they would be the next target.

Find the 'we took you to stately homes' threads. Eye opener.