Abusive ex husband dead and I feel really strange

[MiriamMay]

My ex husband was very violent and abused me in the worst possible way, both physically and sexually.

I have had no contact with him for about 8 years which is when he went to prison for what he had done.

He is the father of my dd too.

I found out last week that he has died and I feel so strange. It’s not grief or sadness, but I really can’t get my head around it. He might as well have been dead to me over the past 8 years.

I really don’t think I’m doing a good job of explaining everything tbh but can anyone relate to how I am feeling?

I can't relate to what you're going through but I just wanted to say that whatever you're feeling now or in the coming days and weeks isn't wrong, and to be kind to yourself

Thank you. That’s a really kind thing to say x

Was there a bit of you that wanted closure, or an apology, or for him to admit something? Perhaps a part of you still suffering from his abuse, that wanted to poke his eyes out and now has to deal with never having the chance?

My exh died 2 years ago. Also a cunt. Though I never reported him. I felt an actual wave of relief come over me.

Your child has lost a parent. You will have difficult emotions to deal with. Be kind to yourself and your child.

I can relate a bit. My ex partner who I was head over heels in love with, but was a cheating, controlling nasty piece of work died recently. I have found it very upsetting. It is still like I can’t process how awful he was to me - and I’m sad and sorry he died, so my brain seems to be focussing on the early days, how much fun he was etc rather than the horrible times. To cap it all someone has turned up at my door with the ashes because his next of kin didn’t know ‘what he would have wanted’. So now he is here and I have to think of something nice and respectful to do with him. I don’t feel nice and respectful though.

The fact that my daughter has lost her biological father is a factor I think. He caused us so much hurt and pain. Just when I thought I was free of him I find myself in a situation where he has hurt my daughter again.
It has reignited the anger I feel. I have come a long way but haven’t quite managed to completely let go of the anger.

I haven't been in your situation OP but I do have experience of a "complicated" death, ie one with mixed emotions about the deceased. I think it can unleash a whole load of unexpected feelings. It might be worth accessing counselling to talk through how you are feeling. Thinking of you, OP