Money

[camerashy159]

I think this is more of a rant than a question, but I’m concerned my partner doesn’t understand my point of view on our finances.

my partner and I have been together for just under 6 years, living together for 3.5 years. He earns twice the amount of money that I do, and our agreement is he pays for our mortgage and I pay all our bills, which is fair in proportion to what we earn. We do share money, as in we take it in turns paying for social plans or house stuff to try to keep things fair. But I very much spend my own money on myself and him also, we pay for our own lives such as his nights out with friends etc. he doesn’t fund my lifestyle, and his money is his to spend.

the last few years have been full
of commitments, weddings, stag dos and big birthdays etc. My partner has spent a fair bit of money attending these stag dos and weekends away for friends birthdays, which is fine, but I feel his inability to say no is leading to a financial strain.

I could not attend a friends last minute hen do, as I could not afford it, where as he would never miss out if he was in that position. I quite often find myself budgeting to make sure we can afford our bills and lifestyles, quite often I feel I miss out on plans where as he does not. He does earn more money, but it concerns me for the future that we don’t have anything major saved currently.

he had a big birthday last year, which I saved hard for a year to pay for an abroad holiday as a gift, prioritising this over other plans as I had to make cuts to save money to afford this. We also recently spent £1.2k attending his cousins wedding, which was not ideal but my partner said ‘it is what it is’ as he was a groomsman and had to be there. We do have some savings, but not a lot and this has been eaten into after having some house maintenance problems in the last year.

Recently my partner has been caught out buying the wrong train tickets, intentional to save a bit of money. He now faces a £1k fine, and may need to pay back the tickets. though he acknowledges he messed up, he is very much seeking sympathy. I always disagreed with him doing this, and I told him this was on him, and he didn’t appreciate hearing the truth. It infuriates me because I spend my whole life budgeting to make sure we can afford everything, but he can be reckless enough to cause this financial strain. He knows loads of people that do it and was arrogant enough to think he wouldn’t get caught out, but here we are. He has now signed up to a rail pass which is £90 pm, and he has raged at this extra monthly cost, though wouldn’t question spending that on a weekend out drinking. In some ways he is so mature but others not.

it’s concerning me, and I wonder why have I bothered trying so hard to budget, save and miss out on plans for him to behave like this. When I queried how he would find the money to pay the fine, he just said he would, but I think he forgets that this impacts me as well.

I have a big birthday coming up and plans we are saving for, and I’m concerned this fine could effect this after I’ve tried so hard to make it work and look forward to my birthday. after he had such a lovely birthday last year he said he wanted to do the same for me, but we can’t keep pulling money out of magic places. We’re not in much debt, only a bit on a credit card, I just don’t want things to escalate that way in the future.

to think ahead in the next few years I was hoping we’d settle down, maybe get engaged and start a family. I was hoping we would be engaged soon, but having helped him budget his finances to accommodate his friends stag dos, weddings and birthday weekends away, as well as our holiday for next year, he doesn’t have much spare money let alone paying this fine. It’s selfish of me I know, but I know he has no spare money for a ring or even set aside for a wedding or any future plans like if we were to get pregnant. It makes me feel like we prioritise everyone but ourselves and he just doesn’t think about the long term. I know he had a lovely surprise planned for my birthday, and he is very thoughtful, but this will change now he has to pay this fine. I wish he would think of the long term impacts of his actions, especially whilst in a long term relationship and the financial responsibilities we have.

I love him but it concerns me, he is very stubborn and can not see other people’s points of view. I don’t want to argue but I can’t go on with this repetitive behaviour. He is feeling sorry for himself over this fine, and while I will support him, he has no sympathy from me. He can’t handle my honesty when I’ve told him how I feel.

I hope you don’t have a joint savings account, or any joint accounts?

And it’s a red flag for your future together.

No, no joint savings. I know he isn’t hiding money or spending anything extra, there are no secrets and if anything I am the one who has to sit down and budget his life. He says I’m a lot more organised than him (which is true) but I feel like he needs to be accountable now

I doubt if he will ever be accountable as he just assumes things will work out. He sounds feckless and exhausting.

I'd tell him. You have your birthday celebration and he can find the fine elsewhere.

I would definitely think carefully about having kids with him. Bringing kids into the mix puts even more financial strain on a couple. Can you be sure he will start saying no to things and put his kids/family first?

I would give serious thought to your future within this relationship because you are going to be in for more of the same from him. He indeed sounds both financially reckless and exhausting.

Are you named on the mortgage?. If not why not?. Is he solely paying that whilst you’re paying bills?. You budgeting his life too makes you sound like a mother figure.

You seem to be the responsible one in this relationship and he simply is not. That £1200 that was spent re his cousins wedding would certainly have been better spent elsewhere. Your life revolves around him and his plans/wants. What do you want?.

I'd be very cautious about having kids with him, especially if you're not married. Your financial arrangement is pretty odd to me, is there no concern on your part that he's paying the mortgage entirely? I hope you're named on the house deeds. You helping him budget is very bizarre, he's an adult. Be very mindful that it does tend to be women who make financial sacrifices when they have kids, being married gives you some protection if you split, but if you are taking lower/unpaid maternity leave, money needs to be pooled so both of you take the hit financially. It sounds like you need a big conversation around money management, your future, how you'd arrange things financially if you had kids. It does sound like both of you are living beyond your means, you paying for a holiday for his birthday is excessive. If you both want to get married and have kids, that has to be priority financially for you both.

For context I do own half our house, we shared the deposit equally too. We came up with the arrangements of him paying the mortgage and I pay the bills because at the time we could not set up a joint account due to covid restrictions. It seemed silly transferring money back and fourth so we could both contribute towards both. Our mortgage payment is the same percentage share of his monthly income that the bills is to mine, so even though he pays more he earns more so the contribution is proportionately fair. We have all the paperwork regarding the house and finance arrangements. I just need him to to start prioritising, I know he would put me and any future children first, but I need him to do this confidently without me having to worry or having this conversation first. The train fine was reckless I’ve made it clear that can’t happen again. We also only have one holiday per year if that, it was a big birthday last year and I could afford the holiday, I just can’t afford to do loads of things alongside it and as I try and budget my money and save. He needs to start saying no to plans and start thinking long term.