Pressure to bring DP closer to family....feeling stressed

[Onemoretimeround]

Hoping some of you help me manage this situation.
Context - been together five years, not married (and no plans to do so), no kids, live together in London, busy jobs. I have a v small family I don't see often spread around country (but I love them). He has a massive family (20 plus, loads of siblings, 10 nieces/nephews etc) who live five hours drive away. He's not close to his family and never really has been, but we visit a few times a year.
Recently I've felt increasing pressure to 'bring him closer to the family' and make more effort with them. He doesn't feel it - it's all on me. He's not a great uncle, that's true. He's just not really a kids person. But I'm now told that I'm his nieces and nephews' auntie, and I get the messages asking me to go to their events, saying how much they'd love it. Told that I'm now family and I'm told he's 'very protective' of his sisters (comments like this out of the blue that just feel a bit pressured) and obvious grumpiness when I show them pictures of my nieces or talk about my family at all (I am close to mine, and I don't expect him to be their uncle). All I get is 'oh, girly', and I don't understand. It's all making me feel a bit uneasy...I am a very different person and what I'm comfortable with is very different to them - but how to handle it? I want them to like me but I also don't want to feel this pressure as it makes me feel urgh.

What is going on here and how can I handle it please??

Can you explain what “oh girly” conveys to you, and also the relevance/context/inference around your partner being protective of his sisters. It doesn’t sound like he is if he barely sees them.

I don't understand - are his family trying to get you (and therefore him) to meet up with them more often, when neither of you want that?

@Ganog context is when they were hard up he offered them money. She told me that adding that he's protective. It's nice he offered to help her - but I don't understand the protective comment as that's not strictly true...his mum asked him to help her.

As for 'oh, girly' it was more the tone and clear grump when I showed the pics. And then no other comment such as what are their names etc or interest.

I don't know - am maybe being overly sensitive, just picking up on some strange vibes and don't know why.

@MounjaroUser Yes, i get messages about meet ups with their kids. We often can't as our jobs are manic. Sometimes we do, but I feel more of an expectation now than before.

Just ignore it. You're not his PA. Men never have this sort of expectation thrust on them so why should women be expected to take on the burden. I've been married 37 years - he sorts his family I sort mine.

If you get messages forward them to your partner and tell them to contact him in future - "hey Sally, I've passed your message on to Dave. It's best if you message him re family stuff as I can't make decisions for him" or something like that.

They see you as the path of least resistance, which means you need to start being more resistant.

@WatchOutWatchOut Did his family start trying to make you more involved in the sorting/communications? It winds me up no end that women have this role. Does his family not understand why you don't? I have told my partner that he can take charge of this - but it still leaves me feeling v awkward with them.

@AgentJohnson yes, my partner has actually told me to delay responses/pass to him or ignore. Men seem to find this easy. I am racked with guilt when I do this even though I know I shouldn't be!

context is when they were hard up he offered them money. She told me that adding that he's protective. It's nice he offered to help her - but I don't understand the protective comment as that's not strictly true...his mum asked him to help her

I’d interpret that as a mild warning to you meaning “he’s very close to his family, so you need to be too” which is actually hollow because he’s not close to them at all, as was just said to get you to push him to get more involved.

As pp suggests, just say you’ll pass on messages/requests to your partner. After a while you’ll develop a thicker skin and they’ll get bored asking. Don’t offer up info about your own family, if asked then answer honestly.

The feeling guilty is how they hope you'll react Op. In future just tell them you'll pass the message on but it would be much better if they contacted him, on repeat. If he doesn't care to see them much it's not your job to make him.

In the beginning his family had high expectations of me, sadly for them I wasn't prepared to oblige and they had to learn that I wasn't a wifey wife or domestic goddess and they had to learn to manage their expectations. We actually get along fine. Don't feel guilty, it's a pointless emotion in this scenario.

@Ganog yes, that's what it felt like...some sort of warning/you should know we're close - even though v clearly they're not, which is what made me feel even weirder about the 'protective' comment. I got on with them at first but now I feel like i'm disappointing them for not being more involved/making him more involved. It's making me want to run away (but I can be quite anxious when it comes to feeling pressured about anything) which I know is an over-reaction. I just don't feel it's very fair...

@WatchOutWatchOut thank you, that helps. Maybe they'll get over it. I am DEFINITELY not a wifey type! I have just as much of a busy job as him and we share the load, and our relationship works because it's not stereotypical.

@WatchOutWatchOut the thing is usually I'm an outspoken and upfront person so my instinct is just to say 'look, I know you feel....blah blah' but that's not how our relationship works etc. I guess best not to actually bring up? So hard not to just explain though and smooth over I find/clarify wtf is going on.

A lot of wives and partners run the family diary and its common for families to contact them instead of their sons, but that's usually because of arrangements for the DC. Like you, I don't have DC so I refused to take on responsibility for his family outings, that was up to him. They probably think you're keeping him away from them because they don't want to believe he's not really interested. He needs to be the one to refuse and point out with busy careers and non children you live a rather different life to them

@Daleksatemyshed Yes, I agree. I have told him this. He doesn't want to upset them so just makes excuses about not wanting to do things if they ask me or just doesn't reply. So they contact me now. I don't think he'd ever say point blank that we live a different life, etc. He's very good at being naturally distant from them but I think they saw me as the person to bring him closer, which is a lot of pressure. They see me seeing my nieces on social media etc so prob get their back up. But it's not him making those arrangements! I see my family sometimes, and am more proactive than him. But I don't want to be the one to sort HIS family arrangements.

I understand he doesn't want to upset them by point blank saying he's not interested but that leaves you with the problem instead. Maybe it's time for you to be a little blunt if he won't, if they ask tell them you make your arrangements with your family and you expect him to do the same. If he doesn't go to see your family either than I'd drop that in as well. You don't have to start a war, and they won't be any happier, but it isn't fair for you to take the blame

next time you’re with them, have a conversation where you say that you just don’t do
wifework, you made an agreement with him that you sort your family stuff and he sorts his. Tell
them to text him and that you will always be open to coming along etc.

Also, link the calendars on both of your phones and set up that whenever one of you puts something in, the other person gets an alert. This way you don’t end up being the default calendar keeper.

I think your partner is fantastic for digging his heels in and saying to you to send things on to him etc.
It sounds like his family want him to be more close, perhaps so they can have more influence over him? Chances are there's a good reason or two why he's not very close with them. Let him take the lead, I wouldn't ignore comms from his family but reply with a stock phrase about they'll need to contact your DP about it.

Re them seeing you with your family on social media. Restrict your settings so they don't see these. Or, indeed, anything unless you share it to public.

I had this
i went for variations of

"I dont know you are best off talking to DP"

"Ahahhaa! You've mistaken me for DPs social secretary."

"Im awful with dates dp handles all that"

"Hey not sure about dates. I forwarded your message to DP he will get back to you"

With the second I literally got messages sbout the fact now dh hadnt replied i.e. Temu do something!
So i would literally just screengrab the message i sent him which was their original message which i fwded with a can you get back to x about this?
That was it

It took about a year but the penny dropped

I feel you are living your best life and theres nothing wrong with that. The trouble with living in UTOPIA is: theres going to be ' something' which is a bugbear. The bugbear in your case is something ' small' which wont go away. I think you feel slightly guilty. To me its similar to a Celebrity crush having access to their crush. They idolise you because you seem big and successful....I should send apology that you cannot attend with a gift as comiseration and leave it at that . As your life progresses it will make more sense but at moment HIS relatives relationship with YOU is' a novelty' ( to them) which will settle as time progresses.

Stop replying. Tell them you have passed it to him to deal as you have a lot on at the moment. Do this every time.

I don’t understand. He’s told you to pass on their messages to him to deal, so why don’t you just do that? Why have his relatives got your number? I don’t have my in laws’ mobiles and nor do they have mine (pil had our landline, not our mobiles). They wouldn’t contact me, nor me them. Pass it all over to him, with a polite message every time saying you’ve passed it to your dp. Hopefully they’ll get the message to stop contacting you when they get nowhere.