Advice please - how to plan leaving my toxic relationship

[Lorcee123]

Hi everyone,

Looking for a bit of advice please.
I’m in very toxic relationship and over the last 6 months I’ve realised it’s actually a lot worse than I even realised.
Long story short - so many lies, gaslighting, hiding of money issues/debts, hiding phone constantly, finding sign ups to hook up sites, borrowing money from my family with no intention of paying back, and most recently- me finding out he’s taken out finance in my name a few years ago and defaulting the payments- meaning it’s affecting my credit score very badly.

All of the above have happened in the last 6-12 months and it’s made me realise that a lot of this would have been happening throughout our 9/10 year relationship but he’s hidden it well and gaslighted me when ever I’ve questioned him. I’ve been preoccupied as a mum and maybe didn’t look into things as much as I should have done as I trusted him for a long time.

We have 3 young children together (7, 4 & 2) and it’s pretty clear looking at everything he’s done that there is no future in this relationship. I’ve battled with my feelings on this as I came from divorced parents myself and it wasn’t easy living between homes however that last few weeks it’s become obvious what I have to do.

I’ve been off work as a full time mum for 2 years but am going back to work at the end of September full time. With my wage and a small bit of help from universal credit, I can just about cover my bills alone including food/fuel but it is tight (literally £10/£20 left a month) - I’m also quite good with budgeting food etc so have got it down as much as possible.

Bills are high due to me having to use credit cards over the last year to help my partner out (stupid I know but I didn’t know the severity of the situation at the time) and he’s added so many additional bills with his ridiculous spending with a few being in my name (stupid I know!).

Although he is responsible, he’s so bad with money I don’t expect to get much help from him if any. His own debts/bills are sky high and I know he’ll have nothing left.

Do I try to wait this out a few months? Get myself in a better position? I could try to convince him to focus on paying off some of the credit cards in the mean time so I have less of his mess in my name to pay for?
is that cruel?

I can’t see my babies going without as well as dealing with their family breaking up but also don’t know how to get through the pain of it all if I have to wait it out a while. I feel so disrespected and used and the thought of allowing him to think it’s all ok whilst I wait it out absolutely kills me. I feel like I have no self respect left.

what would you do?

x

Check your Experian account, that will tell you what debts he has in your name. I'd phone the National Debtline for advice on how to get this under control.

Gather all financial documents and see a family law solicitor and start divorce proceedings.

See what money you can save by changing utility providers, cutting down on streaming services, changing phone providers etc

Turn2us should be able to guide you towards what benefits you can claim.

Get out asap. It will only get worse and harder to go

Thank you. I’ve checked my Experian today and it doesn’t look like there’s anything else I didn’t know about.
I spoke to stepchange but because we have a mortgage there wasn’t much they could do- they just suggest selling which would mean my children lose their home- I can’t afford to rent as my mortgage is quite low.
luckily I now have a ‘deed of trust’ in place to show I own 99% of the house and my partner 1%- as I contributed all the deposit and we both agreed there was a concern about his debtors trying to take the house if things got worse for him.
luckily we’re not married.

thank you- I’ve checked on turn2us which was very helpful and will definitely help me to cover the bills- I’m just very concerned about getting back on my feet if I leave immediately- I don’t get a full pay at work until end of Oct and I can’t go back to work earlier as it’s summer holidays. How do I get through without getting into more debt?

Most of the time I feel like this is what I want to do. He would be the one leaving which would be a relief as the kids could stay in their home- but I don’t know how I get though the first few months with literally no spare cash and benefits taking 5-6 weeks to be paid (I think?) I’m worried I’ll end up in more debt.

Are you married to him or just partners?

Turn2us could advise you on spare pockets of cash through grants, sometimes the council has emergency funding available. There may also be something that can be done regarding the mortgage through a holiday or interest only.

I really advise you to contact the National Debtline, they have trained advisors who can go through everything with you and advise on debt.

You can also check out money savings expert for help and advice on cost-cutting.
https://www.moneysavingexpert.com/

Does he still have access to your money, and if so can you stop him from getting you further into debt?

Thank you so much I didn’t realise there were other options - I’ll definitely give them a call

He doesn’t have access to my accounts however as the only earner currently - and being self employed- he brings home money based on when each of his jobs has finished- he’s been lying about the jobs- how much he’s going to earn etc so keeping some for himself or to pay of debts/people didn’t know about. So the income each month varies massively and any plan I make to get through the month/how to pay off debts just never works out.
he’s making mistakes at work by rushing jobs and causing more issues and it’s just a complete mess.
although these problems at work are on him- if he doesn’t bring home the right money- we have to miss payments on things that are sometimes in my name

Just partners luckily

I think if situation at home is bearable, and you are aware of his manipulations and gaslighting I would wait until end of September.
but if you have family that could help you I would borrow some money to get by until youf first pay check
If someone took out a loan or opened a credit card in your name, That's identity theft!!
File a police report &
contact the lender or credit card company directly to notify them of the fraudulent account and to have it removed from your credit report.

You need to separate your finances, this is a mess. If there are loans in your name that you did not know about, inform the creditors! His debts need to be his responsibility. Like a pp said, this is fraud.

Your partner really needs to talk to step change or similar, and be completely open with them,so he can get a sensible plan to find a way out of this mess.

My gut feeling, if he won't do this, is that you need a clean break, immediately. Yes you might need to take on more debt, so get debt advice as pps have suggested, but at least it will stop his nonsense in its tracks. If he can't or won't make these payments (mortgage, energy?) then the companies need to know and you need a plan.