Feeling hurt that my mum doesn't want to visit or have a reciprocal relationship

[sparkling1986]

First time posting here. Left home at 18 and live 200 odd miles from where I grew up in Norfolk (I'm now 38).

Bit of background - had a difficult childhood, parents split when I was young, dad moved away and didn't bother to keep in touch. My mum went on to have a series of relationships with other men who were abusive and not great. There were wider events that went on in family, a suicide and other complicated family dynamics, coupled with a lot of mental health issues, its a dysfunctional family. To add, my grandmother was very close and codependent with my mum and they had an enmeshed relationship to the extent I feel she had little time for me. I think deep down that's why I moved so far away from home.

I had a breakdown at 20 and went through some really tough times as an adult, I think I just felt so lost, I had a string of abusive/toxic relationships, and depression/anxiety. After a lot of therapy I have finally started to heal and flourish and have ditched a lot of the toxic stuff. Counselling helped me realise just how emotionally neglected I had been growing up.

My mum and I have had a complicated relationship and I found I was always having to be the one to visit and make the effort to call and keep in touch. She never once visited me apart from my graduation and even then she couldn't wait to go back.

Went no contact with her for five years at one point as when I stopped being in denial when I entered therapy I found it so difficult and felt I was always having to make the effort. I really struggled with the lack of support and seeing a lot of my peers enjoy a close relationship with their mum and felt I was missing out.

Several years back my mum had a serious accident and this along with my nan going into a care home after getting dementia has brought us closer together. We patched things up and eventually I told her some of how I've felt and she opened up to me, about her own struggles and also that she is very anxious in general esp about travelling. She never goes on holiday anywhere so I realise it's not just personal.

Since then she has come down to visit me last year and year before which was great, she came on coach but I had to drive her back home as she gets anxious about public transport and also driving. I was willing to make this compromise.

Few months back I asked if she wanted to come visit again in the autumn and she said yes. Brought it up recently as obvs DP and I need to plan ahead and book time off work and I would have to book a coach ticket for her. she started dragging her heels over it and saying she wasn't sure what was happening and would get back to me (that's usually code speak for 'no' in our family) Started saying stuff about work (she's part time and self employed so can take time off when ever) and other things which feel like lame excuses.

I have left it with her and said to let me know but I am struggling with difficult feelings as I just want a bit of give and take and things have been better but at times like this it feels like wading through treacle and accepting 'crumbs'. There's more to this situation than what I've put here and too much to type but in a nutshell I feel like I am just an afterthought at the bottom of the list. I am not going to chase from now on, it needs to come from her and I don't want to coerce someone into doing something.

Wondered if anyone can give any advice, perhaps I just need to accept what is rather than what I would wish.

Hi,
I can totally resonate with you, I also come from a dysfunctional family too, I never get along with my mom, she was bipolar and very violent. I do not talk to my parents anymore, just because she is your biological mom, that does not mean you NEED to maintain a relationship. This relationship brings pain and disappointment and there is nothing positive about it. Let her go. It's difficult, it gets lonely sometimes, but if a family member is poisonous, you need to get away from her as far as possible to maintain your mental health. You deserve to be happy.

Chasing is not the same as communicating. Have you told her how you feel?

Its not your fault your mother is the ways she is and you did not make her that way. She has not changed in all these years; she remains as selfish and otherwise self absorbed as she ever was. Good on you therefore to stop chasing after her because she will continue to disappoint and otherwise let you down. I note also without any surprise that she has never accepted any responsibility for her actions.

You need to grieve for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got.

I totally agree with you, she is irresponsible, did not make any efforts in the past, she is not making any efforts now, the future is not going to be any different. People always show us their real face ...I also grieved for my lost, and I am at peace now.

I love the clarity of your post, OP, and the way you identified the coded “no” in her statement “I will get back to you.” Its clear that you have done a lot if work in therapy and really come a long way.

Take a step back from your mum and just accept that the two of you have reached another plateau in the relationship. Whether she is going down while you go up is, as yet, undetermined.

Maybe her anxiety is increasing beyond her coping skills. Or maybe as others have said she is just too selfish. Only you can know.

You tried to reconnect with her. Now she needs to do the work to maintain that fragile relationship or you will feel forced back into a submissive, caretaker type role.

I'm not sure about this 'she's not taking responsibility' and 'she's not doing the work' stuff... We don't know if OP has voiced her feelings, and when she did before, her Mum opened up and said things that helped OP understand, and feel better.

There's another step between here and 'write her off, she's always been rubbish and still is'. It's a healthy relationship step, and it's worked before, in this relationship: communicate. If OP is dismissed or disregarded, then yes, say goodbye to the relationship. But the woman won't do a journey. It's not personal, and she doesn't want to say it outright, possibly because she doesn't want to hurt OP.

IMO, we don't really have enough details to be telling OP she should wash her hands of her mother.

Thanks for all the replies so far. Some really useful insights here and obvs assumed it's not just me but given I've known many with good relationships with their mum it's also reassuring to know others have also dealt with difficult situations with their own mum and family. I don't mind people saying I need to wash my hands of her - I did it once before and may still need to do it again depending on how things pan out in the future.

I haven't fully communicated my feelings with my mum about the visit, it's a conversation I know we need to have however there have been many times I have been dismissed and gaslit in the past for expressing how I feel which makes me wary. She did pick up on the fact I was disappointed, I didn't go into lots of detail as I had a long drive ahead of me that day we spoke if it though I admitted I felt disappointed. She tried to placate by saying she doesn't need to prove she loves me by the amount of visits she makes to see me and that she doesn't cope well with pressure and has lots going on in her life. I tried to be understanding of this but the placating was irritating as I wasnt pressuring at all, I just said I needed to know eifher way so can plan ahead and also I feel the love comment is a cop out- love is in the doing not the saying, if you love someone then you want to spend time with them.

Spot on pikkumyy77, very apt comments, yes done a lot in therapy and glad it came across in my post, thank you. Yes my mum does struggle massively with anxiety and it probably has got worse. It extends to many things not just travelling - the food she eats, so many foods she won't eat, the places she's willing to go to, even down to dictating what route I drive to a place as she doesn't like main roads. Just about everything really is impacted. Her anxiety is so bad, they impact our relationship as we can't do normal stuff together. Again tried to be understanding as I also have suffered with crippling anxiety in the past but I know from experience the more you give in to anxiety the more it rules your life. She is making more effort with things in her life, in some respects, just wish that things were more reciprocal esp as in the future I won't be able to visit home as often as I have been doing.

there have been many times I have been dismissed and gaslit in the past for expressing how I feel which makes me wary

Yes. I wouldn't be opening up my vulnerabilities to someone who had a history of treating me like that when I did.

With the addition of that information, I'd tend to go for the accept her as she is, and distance yourself option. It's shit, I had to do it with my father, but I'm much happier without him in my life. My brother sometimes tells me stuff about him... he really is awful, and it's much easier to see and accept now that he's not being awful to me.

Sorry you're having to go through this.

Just wishing you all the best! Its a long journey with people like your mother. Hard to know if its worth the struggle —I mean we can’t know, really, until the end when we can see what we sacrificed and what we got.

I have a client who, having suffered enormous abuse as a child, has loyally served her outrageous mother for 60 years. Suddenly, now, in the last month, her mother is finally giving her praise, kisses, love. All from a nursing home and from dementia. I am not sure my client feels it makes up for the cruelty and the crushing personal losses that attended years of maternal neglect. I thought it would be healing but she says it feels odd and meaningless.

relationships are a two way street, if you are always the one having to make contact and the only side that is trying to make it work perhaps its time to drop the rope- other side will either pick it up or it will fizzle out
you don't have to keep going if its one sided
My dad makes minimal effort with my my sister and our kids, I've recently dropped the rope after talking it through with my therapist.
My dad totally forgot about my DCs birthday texting me following week to pass on kissess (really? DC is too young to understand this) so when his birthday came round couple weeks later I only sent a text with birthday wishes (where usually I would send a gift, card and call) I will remain respectful but he will get as much effort from me as he gives.

Your mother’s past behaviour is very much an indicator for current and future behaviour. Your mother had a choice when it came to you and she chose the same old as what was doled out to her. Her anxiety is separate from
her personality and she’s not changed at all. It’s no excuse or justification for her actions now.

These types always have a lot going on in their disordered life too. I would continue to distance myself from her and grieve for the relationship you should have had.

You have two qualities which your mother does not have: empathy and insight. These serve you well.