Relationship advice needed: Fed up and confused

[Tnib]

DP and I have just started relationship counselling. I have felt so angry and resentful of him and it’s built up more and more. We are living in a one bedroom flat (his) with our 21 month old. I sold my flat at the end of 2021 and we were going to buy a house together; we were supposed to buy a house and we were engaged. I took him to see a house I was going to buy on my own and then he said we should move and buy together. We’re basically no longer engaged and still living in his one bed flat close to 3 years later.

He’s been married before and lived in a four bedroom home with his ex wife (but they didn’t have a family) and I was so angry and pissed off that he’d promised me all this stuff and then hasn’t held up his part in the bargain. I just felt like he had this comfortable life with his ex wife and I’m living in a small flat with a child who’ll need her own room soon. I really felt like he just didn’t give a shit and felt very second best. He didn’t like it if I ever said anything about how he lived before. He never referred to me as his fiancé, no date was set, always putting moving and getting married off, not raising these topics. It’s made me feel really crap.

He tells me for the first time today that his income (he’s self employed) has dropped to where he’s only breaking even. He’d never mentioned this until today. I just don’t understand why he didn’t tell me. He mentioned that this year isn’t as good….but never said he was only just about breaking even. This came up as I’d been badgering him to speak to a good mortgage broker, as he was refusing and saying he’d done it in the past. I don’t think he’d been to the right one and I wanted us to sit down run through different options for childcare, work for both of us and where we could live (location and property type). This has caused lots of arguments. There has been no change to our lifestyle. We don’t not have little treats and he buys me a massage on Mother’s Day or my birthday (not cheap), still meets friends for a drink. Nothing excessive but no cutting back, so just didn’t know that I’m not earning as well meant he was just about breaking even.

He said again for the first time this morning when I asked him, that he was ashamed and that he didn’t want the mortgage brokers to tell him what they had in the past, which was that he doesn’t earn enough. He has paid off 70% of the mortgage. So he’s done really well in that way. I did say self employment is ups and downs (which of course he knows) and there’s a cost of living crisis, and he came through Covid okay for his business so I think mortgage brokers will understand that. Also my point was different brokers assess things differently.

I don’t know what to think. I’ve been feeling angry and pissed off and miserable because of these ongoing issues and that has dissipated since his financial revelation but I just feel DP put me through hell. Also I had wanted him to sell his flat before the baby but he wouldn’t . Financially in all possible ways it made the most sense to me but he didn’t listen and just feel like he thinks he knows best and doubtful that will change.

He kept telling me there’s a misunderstanding because of the not moving and the getting married (and the arguments we had about them) and I just got so angry today I just screamed out loud (not at him). I just thought you don’t want these things and you’re lying to me and treating me like I’m stupid. Why are you treating me so badly. He’s not a young man, he’s 58, and couldn’t understand the behaviour.

Anyway, just feel like I don’t know what to do as I don’t think he’ll actually look into the mortgage, and he’s not honest with me. I still have my doubts as well anyway about if he does really want the relationship with me but I do think he’s ashamed so not sure
what to do next. I emailed the relationship counsellor last night saying I wasn’t sure this would work…

Any thoughts on what you’d do? Or any advice?

I think what you do next is accept that things are unlikely to change. I'm guessing you're a lot younger than him.

He obviously doesn't want to get married again and I'm guessing he's not a hands on father. I'd say he takes the path of least resistance which is to nod along to things to appease you.

What misunderstanding? I'm sure you were pretty clear, you wanted a child, to get married and to move to a bigger, more suitable place. He pretended to agree knowing he didn't want those things to happen.

I’m 43, so younger than him but not young! I also felt pretty stupid because I’m not young for getting into this position.

We have been having lots of arguments, since the baby (some when pregnant too) about the same things. It seems far more difficult, so not that path of of least resistance to keep arguing. He is a hands in Dad. No choice in a one bedroom flat!

DP says I’ve misunderstood him, when we’ve argued about moving and getting married, and the arguments around them. I now take to mean he can’t give that stuff because he can’t afford to. I have been clear about what I want.

If he hasn't been telling you what you want to hear, I don't really understand what's been going on.

Do you want to move to a bigger house like we agreed?

No, I can't afford it.

Do you want to get married, we've been engaged for a long time?

No, I no longer want to get married.

If he's been honest all along, what are the constant arguments about the same thing about? Is it you trying to change his mind?

He can't do much about his finances in order to move to a bigger house unless you sell up and move to a less expensive area perhaps.

Either he has been stringing you along telling you what you want to hear, or when he has told you stuff you don’t want to hear you haven’t listened. Probably both. He isn’t going to change: he doesn’t want to get married, he doesnt want to move - I think you have some decisions to make op.

DP says we can’t do either of the above as we’re not getting on but that he does want them both. The arguments were about them not happening and how shit they made me feel. I suppose it is me trying to change his mind because he’s shown no real signs of wanting to get married though, at the start of year when we thought we could port the mortgage we put an offer in on a property and he said we wouldn’t do counselling until we moved. Now it’s the other way round.

He won’t sit down and run through the different options of areas to live in since we couldn’t get the mortgage to move back at the start of the year. I was made redundant on maternity leave, and wasn’t working then. I’m currently on a short term contract but know I can get a mortgage as I’ve made initial inquiries.

That’s a good way you put it about having to sell up. I think the options are limited as time is a factor. The value of his flat has gone down as two neighbours sold at a low price. He also extended the lease. If DP did sell at those prices it would actually make a loss, whereas it wouldn’t have if he sold back when I was pregnant. He is worried about making a loss and knowing especially as his income isn’t great at the moment and he keeps talking about my work situation.

You seem to be in a catch 22 situation. You're arguing and not getting on because you want to move and get married. He says that you can't do those things because you're arguing.

If you get married, you're at least protected financially re the house. But until then, surely the best way forward is for you to get a mortgage on your own. You all move there and you at least have the security of having your own property. You can rent out his flat for extra income.

I took him to see a house I was going to buy on my own
Go back to this thought but follow through with it this time.

He doesn't want to marry you, so start protecting yourself financially and that means ensuring you and your child will always have a roof over your heads. Right now he could kick you out tomorrow with nothing and there would be zilch you could do about it.

Maybe living in two different properties will help your relationship, maybe it won't. But you living away from him will help you in many other different ways including mentally and emotionally.

I'd buy on my own if you still can.
He's not going to get married.

Thanks @cupcaske123 @AutumnFroglets I just heard back from my mortgage broker and it looks like on my own I can’t get enough money, which is due to nursery fees, which are 3 times my old mortgage. I’ll have to wait. I really wanted to own my own house so I will do it but how isn’t obvious how at the moment.

Thank you for your words.

@Tnib What happened to the proceeds of the sale of your own flat in 2021?

I'm assuming you will be entitled to nursery fees from universal credit. Dont mortgage companies take that part into consideration as well?

Otherwise you now know you have three years to start saving up more of a deposit if you can. Start getting him to provide equally on all child and house related things. No expensive holidays or fancy restaurants. Keep your eye on the future and financial freedom from someone who doesn't have your back. If things change for the better then great but I suspect your relationship will only go downhill from now.

I do wonder if him saying his business isn't doing well is more him pre-empting refusing cms. Almost as if he knows you are going to walk since he won't marry you or move house... Worth thinking about.

I came here to ask the same question @Tnib . Where’s your cash from your house sale?

I feel like your DP has been Future Faking you.

”Sell your house and move in with me, then we can buy a house together.” He had no intention of doing this, and knew it, which is why he’s been avoiding mortgage advisors. In the meantime, he’s left you in a worse position, because you no longer have your asset, and cannot get yourself back into the position you were in three years ago because he got you pregnant. He’s thrown you off of the housing ladder.

”We’ll get married.” Not true.

He’s been lying to you about his income, which is effectively £0.

I'm assuming he doesn't contribute at all financially since he says he breaks even. Are you aware of his earnings at all?

Are you sure you're not entitled to any help towards childcare costs?. I'm also wondering what happened to the money from the sale of your flat.

As suggested you won't have to pay childcare costs forever and can save up towards your own place.

I still have the money I made from the sale of my flat but it’s not loads as my property wasn’t high value and there’s a bit more on top from interest but I spent some on mat leave and then was made redundant and spent some.

I’m definitely in a worse position and I think he knows how much he’s messed up but can’t come out and say it.

I’m in DP’s home and we split the costs apart from his mortgage which I don’t pay.

The breaking even I’d have to clarify but I think he meant in terms of business he meets all his costs but not much more than that, and I think he can pay himself as he’s a company director but it’s less than it has been in the past. He’s not in personal debt but can’t afford to buy a house now or have a wedding.