Huge dilemma - messed up situation

[Randomred123]

Hi everyone,

In huge need of a wake up call/words of truth.
Backstory - very traumatic childhood mum and dad not in picture and have not been for last 15 years. I craved normality and settled for a half decent guy, married now 5 years DS is 3. Never felt we were a true match problems with our relationship when pregnant.
Fast forward 2023 - met a wonderful man at work, everything I have ever wanted genuinely think he is my soul mate. Went out last week and same colleague told me if it was 2017 we would be dating so I don't know if that means he has feelings?
Anyways - looking for advice
Do I 1. Tell my colleague how I feel 2. Work on marriage 3. End marriage and try to find happiness

3

3, everyone deserves happiness in life. You only get one.

You've not said enough about your relationship for me to really have an opinion.
If you're really unhappy of course leave, but most relationships have difficult patches and points where you might feel a bit disconnected for a while, it's the old adage a marriage takes work. The grass isn't always greener, there would be downsides to a relationship with the new guy too. Also not sure what it says about his moral compass that he's pursuing a married woman with a child

1 is inappropriate because you're not available to begin a relationship with him.

2 won't work because you're not fully committed to him and never have been.

I'm sorry you had such an awful childhood. Take time to work on your self esteem. Focus on building a life with your child and a network of people you trust and love.

3

Hi, thank you for your time and reply.. husband is extremely unavailable emotionally, won't talk about anything , Turns everything around on me , great when everything is fine but when going gets tough he doesn't want to know - some insight for you. I also Absolutely agree, I don't think this guy is the answer at all. I don't know why he told me that the other night he also said we have a connection and it's all messed with my head those comments. I think the situation and the way I feel about him has just highlighted how messed up I am and I don't want to make the wrong decision going forward x

Thanks for your reply. You are right, I do need to work on myself a lot. X

You deserve to be happy. That might not be with this man from work. But it doesn't sound like you're happy where you are either and life is short.

Do you want to end your marriage is the first question - then go from there.

The second bloke is irrelevant to the above question.

If you leave you may well start dating, you may not!

Either you are happy or unhappy.

4 Take a few weeks to properly consider it.

You don't know this guy is your soulmate.
You only know what he has projected because he fancies you.
You haven't seen him in a mard, leaving his pants on the bathroom floor, or how he reacts to your child being irritating, you being ill or any one of a million real situations.

Honestly? It sounds like your DH was an excuse to escape one situation and the work guy is your next excuse to escape this one.

I'm sorry you had a rough start.
Do you think you'd benefit from counselling or working on how you view & deal with relationships?

In al honesty if I won the lottery or even just 250K on a scratchcard id be off and end the marriage. As I could get a decent place for my child and I and be comfortable. I just cannot believe myself and the mistake I made !!!

Very good advice x

First of all, don't rush into anything. You fancy this bloke but that doesn't mean he's your soul mate (don't believe in that anyway!) You are unhappy in your marriage and this is what you need to address. If you really don't think there's a relationship worth saving then start planning to end it as amicably as possible (from your side anyway) bear in mind that you will be co-parents for a very long time so the less animosity the better. Get some legal advice and good luck OP 💐

Look at this as different situations you need to deal with separately.

Only you know if your marriage is worth saving. If it is, stop 1-1 contact with this man. If it’s not, then end your marriage.

But don’t jump straight from a marriage into a rebound relationship. You’re at your most vulnerable when you’ve just left a LTR and you’ll be wearing rose tinted glasses that hide the red flags.

@Randomred123 The main thing to be careful about here is that your feelings towards the new man sound like infatuation, and are based on limited information about him. He may not be as magical as he seems.

End the marriage and take everything else very slowly- doing lots of self care

Why 2017? Is that when he got married?

OP, it’s an eye opener when you realise that people are attracted to you, and you to them, and a kickstarter to thinking how things could be.

But don’t let work- man loom too large.

It sounds as if you definitely need to, and deserve to, find more happiness than you can ever have with your H.

I would say focus on that process first.

And don’t start anything with a one else until you are out of that complication.

Also get all the support you can for building your self esteem and self worth. You can’t be happy with anyone until you value yourself enough to be happy.

Be wary of work man. It often suits them to pursue married women because they feel free of the need to commit.

If your not happy get out the marriage. Everyone deserves to be happy. Take some time for you and then start looking for your happy. Good luck x

No.3 - without giving too much away, I met my 2nd husband at work. We were both desperately unhappy, both trapped in moribund, borderline-abusive marriages. We didn't know this at first, of course, but we knew we felt an immediate connection. To cut a long story short, we took a huge leap of faith and it paid off. We've been together for 17 years, married for 14 and we're still so glad we took a chance on each other.