Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Did you notice a positive change in your mental health after a breakup?

5 replies

semlf · 21/07/2024 23:12

Hi everyone 💖

I've been with my DP (now ex) 4 years and we have a baby together, I'm going through a really rough breakup I'm having a hard time accepting that I've lost the love of my life, being a single parent and our baby growing with separated parents (I grew up with separated parents and I'm fine but it's breaking my heart as it's never what I imagined)

I made the decision to leave him for multiple reasons it's a very long story!

But anyways, I suffer with extreme anxiety that's worsened over the last few years it's awful I hate it so much. I've been to GP numerous of times and I am starting therapy soon! I refuse medication as I want to heal naturally. (Im trying)

A few friends and a few family members have told me if I left my now ex my anxiety would vanish and that they are sure he is the reasoning for my anxiety.

I don't see it, I don't see the connection, I rely on him to make me feel not anxious. When I'm anxious he's the first person I run to. He helps me when I'm anxious.

I fear what I will do the next time I'm having an anxiety or panic attack.

Anyways, has anyone been in a similar situation and found there anxiety has actually improved down the line??????? My heart hurts.

OP posts:
semlf · 21/07/2024 23:14

"I fear what I will do the next time I'm having an anxiety or panic attack"

I meant because I don't have him to calm me down.

OP posts:
TheSilentSister · 22/07/2024 01:48

So, aside from helping you when you were anxious, there must have been issues that caused you to split? Either he was good for you or he wasn't, which is it/?
From my own personal experience, I found that my depression improved dramatically when I split from my 'DH'. Yes it takes a while to see the improvements. You have to heal mentally and it's a slow process after the initial 'release'.
It sounds a little like you didn't really want to split but you were kinda forced too. That would make it harder to accept.
Accept that he wasn't good for you and is not an option anymore. Embrace any help you can get for your anxiety. Also - take it or leave it but don't knock medication, it's only temporary until you can get 'talking therapy'.

kah0703 · 22/07/2024 02:58

Hi there, I'm really sorry you are going through this. I know it is not easy, but I trust your heart knows for the best. Yes, I have been through a very similar situation. Last year, I had to end it with someone I was madly in love with, truly like no one I'd ever met before. However, we started to disconnect in what we want for our futures and I started having insane anxiety because I knew the end of us was coming, no matter how much I thought them to be the love of my life. What bothered me most was seeing them seemingly completely fine while I was losing my mind.

Leading up to our relationship's end, I ended up in the hospital--and I'd never been to a hospital before in my life. I had mysterious chest pains and my loved ones advised me to go to the ER. I was broken-hearted and experienced what I later learned to be my first anxiety attack. It was awful, and shocking (I'm normally a very calm, confident, and secure person. I really wasn't acting myself around this time, and my loved ones were concerned.). And then in the next month, I moved houses, but I couldn't even pack. I was overwhelmed easily and had more anxiety attacks.

The worst part at this point? We had broken up and went no-contact. The person who I relied on to relieve my anxiety was no longer within my reach. But you know what took me a really long time to realize? It was that the person who relieved my anxiety was also the person who brought it. I let myself take too long to accept that. You do not deserve anxiety. There are people out there who bring out the BEST in you, and clearly he does not today, so I applaud you for your bravery in this process. The BEST in you is happiness, peace, safety, and comfort--nothing close to anxiety! Believe me when I say you are not alone!

The more I enabled this person to have such a hold on my life, the more my anxiety would linger. I finally went to therapy (no meds for me either) and what I learned there helps me with myself and with all my relationships--and yes, it helped with anxiety.

My family members and friends were also the ones who helped me to open my eyes. They are probably right in claiming that your ex is the source of your anxiety. For me, the person who once brought out the best in me became the person who brought out the worst. That is a very sad realization and one that I still struggle to get over sometimes. You may be experiencing the same thing--again, you are not alone.

I learned that sometimes, it takes a few tries to leave someone before it finally happens. You will eventually learn that your heart has had enough and that you deserve better (I assume there are good reasons for this split, and don't ever forget those reasons). You will miss them. You felt safe to fall into depending on them, and you may have lost yourself in the process. That's okay.

Right now, just feel. Time will heal. Soon, surround yourself with others even if you can't stop thinking about him the whole time--just force yourself to stay busy. Definitely recommend therapy asap because I personally wish I went sooner. Time will heal. For the next time you have anxiety attacks, have a designated person you can call. For me it was my sister. She would tell me, "Sit down, put your back against the wall, breathe. Try to slow your breath. Calm your body, breathe." And drink water! Friends are your support systems for a reason. Eventually, you will be self-dependent again, I promise you. But right now it's okay to not be there yet. That's why I stress the involvement of others and sheer busyness greatly in your life right now. Time will heal.

If you choose not to have that designated person to call, Stranger, please remember my words there and tell them to yourself. You will be okay, you must remind yourself that you WILL be okay because greater things and people are in store for you. Trust the truth of this all happening for a reason, and you are so so so brave.

Lastly (sorry this is so long... I'm passionate!), yes, you will improve. Your heart will heal. Do not continue to enable because that will stop your heart from healing (don't leave chips out for the ants, my sister tells me). Begin by telling yourself that you do NOT need him to relieve anxiety. He gave it to you in the first place, I have no doubt. Meds, weed, and alcohol literally could have a similar relieving effect... but is that how you want to heal? Nope! Do you want to heal naturally as you've said? Yep! So, understand that natural healing begins with yourself. You are all you need, girlfriend. You are so strong!

cupcaske123 · 22/07/2024 04:39

I suggest you go back to the GP and try medication. Anxiety can be a self perpetuating circle. You could also ask for beta blockers to help with the panic attacks.

Other things that can help, mindfulness, meditation, cut out caffeine and alcohol, exercise, plenty of fruit and vegetables, fresh air.

If you feel a panic attack coming on you could phone the Samaritans, sometimes distraction helps, you could text Shout or phone a crisis line or even a friend.

Break ups are always hard, it will get better.

Inspireme2 · 22/07/2024 05:18

Do you have a good, trusted person who could help you instead of your partner?
You could try medication as a temporarily, usually 6 months or so.
Yes it was a relief to no longer feel frustrated and minimised daily, put downs.
After 3 weeks I felt so much happier..alone but not lonely.
I felt impowered , yet very alone as first.
As time goes on, perhaps you will have more contact with other people who lift you up or accept you as they way you are. Your emotional support going through the breakup is helpful.
Taking therapy will be good for you.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page