How many dates before you conclude there's no connection there?

[PuppyCarla]

I'm the sort of person who doesn't instantly fall for a man and usually need a connection with someone first before falling for them.

All my previous relationships have been with people I've known for a while which then progressed to more than friends later on. This trended to happen naturally in my early to mid 20s but not so much anymore.

Now I'm mid 30s and I haven't had a situation where I naturally fall for someone for years now. But life has been busy and I don't go out socialising like I used to. I thought I would try online dating to try get myself out there again.

I've gone on a couple dates with a nice man. We have a lot in common. I think he's attractive. I'm enjoying it but not feeling a romantic connection yet. It's hard to know whether it's because how I normally approach relationships or if we're just not suitable. I want to continue seeing him but I also worry at some point I'm just going to hurt him if I don't develop feelings? How long do you give it before you say ok I guess I'm not going to develop feelings for this man? I always find it bizarre how anyone can meet a stranger and have a romantic connection with them after meeting them once or twice. I guess it does happen with some people though. I've never had that happen with me in my life.

1, maybe 2.

If you're not sure, the answer is no.

I’m like you OP in that I’m a slow burn. I’ve never had an instant attraction to anyone but it’s grown over a few dates.

Though I think you know if there’s something there that could grow - I’d say probably no more than about 6 dates for me

A couple, and then a snog to check

I definitely think it could turn into something more. I've been on other dates and have known from the offset it's not going to work. I've not felt that with this guy.

I will give it a few more dates and see how it goes. I've got my fingers crossed for myself ha. I'm just a little worried because I think he's pretty into me and I don't want to hurt him. I think I will regret not giving it a chance though.

This.

1 date. Im not saying you have to fall in love but you have to feel something.

I'm like you. I have never in my whole life had a boyfriend or partner that I felt anything for on the first date. I need to get to know someone in order to feel romantically attracted to them. This is precisely why OLD has never worked for me, and probably never will.

Men I am instantly sexually attracted to are never romantically suited for me.

I don't have an answer to you except perhaps to stop the forced "dating" and see if you actually want to keep seeing this guy in a "group of friends" setting... but I know it is so hard, because guys from OLD have zero social connection to you, so basically if you don't "date" them you will likely never see them again.

My "solution" was to stop OLD altogether. I ended up finding someone I grew attracted to through hiking.

Have you ever read much about attachment theory like the “attached” book? Could it be that you mistake secure attachment for no spark

The last man I dated I went on 4 dates and on the 4th I concluded I felt no connection, which was partly due to being turned off sexually.

With the man I dated before that, I felt instant attraction (not connection per se). Things didn't turn out well in the end.

I totally get it. I’ve met men and known instantly there was never going to be anything but others there enough to know something could grow.

The people saying 1/2 dates are not slow burn people so its impossible to understand that for us this is our normal

I understand the slow burn to a point. Seems to be unless you're totally put off, then crack on and see what happens, giving it as many dates as you need before you put yourself off. The 1 or 2 date crew flip that on its head and say if you're not attracted after date 1 or 2, then forget it.

I think the slow burn relationships are the best ones for longevity. You're not being love bombed. I imagine he's being his normal true self. You have lots of things in common and you fancy him which are the initial core fundamentals to a very good relationship.
You're making a friend and this takes time. You can't decide after 2/3 dates whether this friendship will blossom.
Enjoy his company and stop worrying. Please just go with the flow and enjoy what it is, for now.

If you are somewhat interested I think 3 dates is a good number as you've exhausted all the usual first questions and it gives you a chance to see if you like them enough/there's anything beyond the initial conversation

I have exactly this problem too and l don't think OLD is going to work for me either.

I'm much more suited to the friends first and feelings growing from there as it's the "whole" package that l get attracted too.

I've tried joining the gym, running clubs etc to broaden my social life but no men are forthcoming 😅.

I really don't know what to do. Should l just give up with OLD?

I would say 3. Also good to be upfront about what you are looking for as IMHO in mid 30s people no longer want to wait around.

Thanks for the advice everyone. I'm glad there's other slow burners out there and I'm not just crazy. I've spoken to some friends about this and they can't seem to relate so it's good to hear.

He's definitely not love bombing me either but is being sweet and making it clear he's interested in nice ways. I've experienced love bombing before and the fallout when that ends and I'm glad this is seeming far more normal and healthy. For example he's been very protective in organising further dates and I could tell at the end of our last date he got very nervous and it was like he wanted to kiss me but was too scared. It was quite sweet actually.

I have not heard of this but will read up on it

You have to be able to look at him early on and think yes I could definitely shag you! 🤗

I've definitely thought this! 🙈 But I'm just struggling to feel like a strong romantic connection to a stranger I've just met if that makes sense. But I've never felt like that with any man I've just met, through OLD or otherwise.

I meant he's being proactive not protective 😂

I'm also a slow burn person, and I've also pretty much exclusively met people by being friends first.

The 1-2 dates crew are just wired differently, which is fine, but it's not really one to take into account because their way doesn't apply for people wired like us & wouldn't be right for us, just as our way wouldn't be right for them.

You are not responsible for his feelings. I'm going to say it again because it's really important. You are not responsible for his feelings.

As long as you're genuinely interested to see him and see that there might be a route to more, then you're being reasonable and sincere and not in the least stringing him along. So there's no "maximum" amount of dates that's ok - it's whatever you feel.

And, because he's an adult who is also responsible for his own feelings, if the pace you want to move and how you want to conduct the relationship doesn't work for him, then he can speak to you about it or decide to leave. But it's not on you to pre-empt or guess about that for him - that's his emotional work to do in a relationship.

Enjoy it in a way that works for you. Good luck!