How do you make new friends as an adult - for you and your family

[lentilandaubergine]

I've always been cautious and perhaps a harsh judge of who is a good for- overly so - about making friends, following an awful hard time as a teenager I was let down by trust and went from feeling one of a group to being let down badly.
I have a small group of trusted friends I've gathered over the years (Uni, work) but most live not nearby and I don't go out often. I often feel lonely and like a would like more female friends to do things with. The thought of large female friend groups scares me. I'm not brave at making suggestions due to fear of rejection probably. Prior to having kids myself and my husband had a good friendship group and an active social life. We lost them when we had 2 kids close together as baby sitting was an issue. We had NCT couple groups for a while but that fizzled too.
DH has kept men friends and goes out with them frequently.
I found the Primarty School playground Mum thing stressful and withdrew a bit. I seem to be able to only make friends if I feel someone had enough if common - I know this is silly. Also, having 2 young kids, there didn't seem to be people with similar age kids where it would work.
I don't work with people nearby so that's not an option.
I go the gym but with kids activities don't have time for anything else at the moment.
Now the childen are tween age I feel I have woken up from a social drought. My husband has made reference to missing couple socialising and I do too.
How do you start to make new friends, take risks and get more socialising going on when you've not got the 'I'm the newbie' attraction / excuse.
I feel I've missed the boat and feel a shadow of my former self?!!

Hi op not easy. My friend in a choir. I met two nice women through walking. Met one for cuppa this week. Do you like any hobbies? My friend does aqua aerobics. I do cinema with walking lady so its nice

Can DH arrange something, like visiting a swish restaurant, with one of his friends and partner?

I don't feel I have enough time for structured hobbies due to DCs clubs. We only have 2 evenings off a week and DH works away sometimes so I need to be able to cover them.
DH's friends are single at the mo.
I do have a handful of very close friends across the country. We meet up with kids usually 2-3 times a year.
It would be nice to have a more day to day social life. It doesn't help that we both have very small / non existent families so aren't really having social occasions then.
It would be nice to socialise with other families, have a girls night close by occasionally etc - a bit more flex, too and fro - bring the house alive a bit. I guess that comes with work and time though.
On reflection I have been too cautious / judgemental in the past when I did have opportunities - like Primary school Mums etc. It all felt too stressful though if I wasn't sure.

Following op, in the same position only my dh is not bothered about socialising. Walked through a park yesterday evening seeing groups of families together with picnics etc and realised i don't have that, as i've always been a bit awkward socially. I get jnvited to mum group things sometimes but i don't have anyone in my neighbourhood to go for a drink with. I've lived here 15 years and i just never prioritised it with work and 3 dc, now emerging from that fog i need to find friends!

You could sign kids up for sports teams and make friends with other parents watching the kids play their sport. My DS plays cricket and it goes on for hours. DH and I go to watch and take a posh picnic. We chat to other parents and all share picnics. Over time you meet up early for coffee or my favourite go for a breakfast after training. There are bbq's and other social events too.

I'm in the same boat as you OP, so I'm following this thread for advice.

I didn't engage with the primary school parents - too busy with work which on reflection was a huge mistake. I'm naturally reserved which doesn't help either and probably come across as a bit standoffish.

DCs now at secondary schools and there are few opportunities for meeting parents. Have realised I'm lonely and I desperately want to change that.

Oh this is me too. Made a rubbish job of establishing friends when kids at primary school. Although to be honest I don’t know how often this works out. I did get the impression any friendships were more friendships if convenience. Sharing lifts for kids and chatting at school gate. I have clung on to a couple of friends from before kids and realised how much more these mean as we became friends cos we actually wanted to. Rather than cos we had to as our kids are friends.

my plan is to try some volunteering now. Might try the local beavers/cubs group now my dc have left.

@caringcarer cricket would have been a good call if i'd thought about this 10 years ago!
It's the combination of the new freedom with teens plus meno moods / dropping oestrogen highlighting some marriage grumbles that i think would be eased by having more of a social life. HRT has done a bit but can't fix everything.
I don't really want a hobby but it may be the way forward. I have been trying to engage more with the loose mum friends i do have but it's a bit contrived (or feels that way to a committed over-thinker!)

I think you have structured your life in a way that those types of close friendship relationships aren't going to be possible unless you make some changes.

You say you have very little time (2 possible evenings a week) and your DH travels and at those times you cover for him and is even less available. Friendships are like any other relationship, they take a lot of time to form and especially to maintain. It doesn't sound like you have the inclination to put time into it, but you'd rather find someone who can just slot into your current life and fill the narrow gaps that you have. If you have tweens I am guessing you have spent the last 10+ years just focussing on your little family so it won't come naturally to you to make friends but if you do want them you need to put yourself out there and most importantly, you have to make time for friends.

It's unlikely that you will find couple friends straight away with kids who gets along with your kids so just start off by making friends just for you so you get some independence too. I think you need to start viewing yourself as an individual and not one half of a couple or one part of a family. Making friends comes quite naturally to me but I never gravitate towards people who has made it their life mission to be a wife/mother because they lose their individuality and it makes them far less interesting as people. It also tells me that they don't value friends so why would I want to be one to them.

@grest - agree re some friendships of convienience at Primary. I think that's what warned me off - feeling that things need to seem more genuine. Also, what happens when your DC's fall out and there's bother!!
On the whole nice to hear I'm not the only one then 🙂
@caringcarer that sounds lovely but for us It's hard with a lot of the clubs as they're drop off only now so you don't get to meet the parents - I guess it depends what they are to make that work.
Appreciate you can't just magic friends and it's small steps to build on.
@paranoidmumdroid1 I know what you mean about contrived. Sometimes, as much as you want it, when it feels like too hardwork it puts me off - if you don't seem to have a lot in common too.

I do think it's about risk taking too which I'm crap at!!
Coming out the brain fog is definitely a theme here. I'm like where has the last decade+ years gone?!! I also tried to concentrate on work and trying to be some kind of text book mum- put myself under way too much pressure and this is somewhat the fall out of that too - overthinking the work and parenting thing.
We've lost eveings now as the DC's go to bed later - I didn't mind when we could do something a bit more adult in the house (remener 7pm bedtimes). But sometimes now it feels like we do nothing adult together or for myself other than waiting for the next day to come to serve the kids!
For me, it'd also be nice to have some couple friends we could have over for dinner/meet out etc - we used to do this loads pre-kids and completely out of the habit. I'm ashamed to say i think I had a bit of 'housebarrasment' when they were little and sometimes didn't ask people due to fear of being judged (in hindsight also silly).

I'm wondering whether to be brave and ask DC's friends parents and their kids over. They have 2 kids, one alot younger than my youngest which would previously have pout me off re compatbility -perhaps unrealitically. We've known them for years but never socilaised. We did talk about getting together once but it never happened. Not got loads in common life wise but we do seem to be able to talk alot about things when we see one another so maybe that's a green light!! I'm a master over thinker......
You can stop yourself starting can't you!??

I think there is a lot to be said for finding something of interest to you and building your interests and meeting other people happens naturally. I always wanted to learn to crochet and would love to do a class in this so might try this.

Yes @Grest I think you're right. Food for thought! Good luck