Friend in need..

[ash677x]

I'm posting for a friend who is having a bit of an issue. She's been with her partner for 2 years, they have a child together. She has an older daughter from a previous relationship who since day one has spoke to and treated her mum and mums partner like crap. There is a lot of tension between dad and older daughter and not much conversation. Any time he tries to speak to her he gets the worst word out of the daughters mouth. When older daughter is cheeky to mum, mum just ignores it and does not punish her. Mum really isn't sure what to do. She is complaining that her partner doesn't want to spend time with older daughter etc but really can you blame him when she treats him and speaks to him like trash? The older daughter is 9, she screams, slams doors when she doesn't get what she wants, sticks her middle finger up, and swears repeatedly at both parents.

your role in this scenario is very very weird OP. So you’re posting on behalf of your “friend” and yet you write this?

She is complaining that her partner doesn't want to spend time with older daughter etc but really can you blame him when she treats him and speaks to him like trash? The older daughter is 9, she screams, slams doors when she doesn't get what she wants, sticks her middle finger up, and swears repeatedly at both parents.

Are you the DF OP? If not, I don't think it is your business.

So your friend brought a new man into the family home and just expected her DD to play happy families, with a new sibling .
Shes not exactly been treated as someone whose opinion means anything.
Poor kid that’s an awful lot of change in a very short amount of time it’s no wonder she’s acting out.
I think your friend is a tad self absorbed

interesting that you too have a 9 year old and been with a partner for 2 years according to your other posts. Oh and you have a child with him

She’s only nine OP. So young. And seven years old when her world changed. It sounds like neither adult has any idea how to reassure her or contain her properly. They need advice/parenting course.

I agree. Expecting to just move a new guy in , have a baby and parent with no issues sounds incredibly naive.

All behaviour is communication. She is showing you that she’s unhappy. She may also be acting out to get attention because of the new baby. Even negative attention is attention. The mother needs to make some time to bond solely with her older child. She needs to speak to her about her feelings and really listen to her. She needs to understand that it’s a massive change for an only child to adapt to a new siblings let alone a new step-parent and all within a 2 year timespan. That’s a huge amount of massive change for a young child. She needs to be treated kindly, with understanding and age appropriate expectations. When she does swear or act out, mother needs to take her aside to a quiet place, like her bedroom and speak calmly and lovingly with her daughter. She needs to ask how her daughter is feeling in that moment and give her daughter reassurance that she’s still loved. She’s testing to see if she’s still loved as much as before all these changes. Mother needs to reassure her that she is loved and that she can talk about all of her feelings, even the sad and angry ones. She needs to reward her daughter when she does speak up about how she feels. She can also set boundaries by saying, “you can talk about anything but it’s not polite or kind to swear and shout at people.” Model the behaviour you want to see. Praise when she does things well, when she achieves something make a big deal about it and acknowledge how hard she’s worked/tried, etc. This little girl needs empathy, understanding and to be made to feel safe.