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Original poster

I feel betrayed

16 replies

whsm17 · 21/07/2024 10:48

Husband told me he is quitting smoking , took me to his quit appointment and then refused to have a patch , saying he wants to try without it . Spends hours outside and recently found out some weed and cigs and other bunch of things related to it . I feel like a fool and hating everything atm ... how to feel better ? Pls help

OP posts:
cupcaske123 · 21/07/2024 10:52

Giving up smoking is hard - well it was for me anyway. Has he chosen to give up or has he been pushed?

Justanotherusername27 · 21/07/2024 10:54

It’s a horrible feeling being lied to but quitting smoking is unbelievably hard. I switched to vaping and the first month or so was torturous (WITH a high nicotine vape).

you absolutely have a right to be angry because he did lie to you but I’d suggest calming down and approaching him with what you’ve found and allow him the space to explain himself. You are very valid in your feelings though I’m not trying to take away form that x

Blendeddogs · 21/07/2024 10:57

whsm17 · 21/07/2024 10:48

Husband told me he is quitting smoking , took me to his quit appointment and then refused to have a patch , saying he wants to try without it . Spends hours outside and recently found out some weed and cigs and other bunch of things related to it . I feel like a fool and hating everything atm ... how to feel better ? Pls help

Yep I get it.

my current partner and I talked about our deal breakers and this is a huge one for me. You need to decide if it is a deal breaker or not. I put my cards out early - smoking, drugs, emotional affair and we are done etc

SeulementUneFois · 21/07/2024 10:59

I don't smoke, never had. But I don't understand why people have such a strong reaction to it? Words like sick, betrayed etc.
(Again I wonder if it's cultural differences, I come from a poorer country in Europe.)
A few things I heard:

  • it smells disgusting - Is that not more psychological, driven by the same strong reaction? As before smoking bans we all used to go to pubs etc that were full of smokers, and noone gagged all night. I.e. it's not inherently disgusting smelling like say feces.
  • it's dangerous - yes but many things are, and we don't react like that to them. I used to ride a motorbike, and if my husband reacted like that I'd think he was bonkers.
cupcaske123 · 21/07/2024 11:05

SeulementUneFois · 21/07/2024 10:59

I don't smoke, never had. But I don't understand why people have such a strong reaction to it? Words like sick, betrayed etc.
(Again I wonder if it's cultural differences, I come from a poorer country in Europe.)
A few things I heard:

  • it smells disgusting - Is that not more psychological, driven by the same strong reaction? As before smoking bans we all used to go to pubs etc that were full of smokers, and noone gagged all night. I.e. it's not inherently disgusting smelling like say feces.
  • it's dangerous - yes but many things are, and we don't react like that to them. I used to ride a motorbike, and if my husband reacted like that I'd think he was bonkers.

Could be for any number of reasons. Some people have lost family to lung cancer and other smoking related diseases. Others see it as a huge waste of money because it's so expensive. It used to be very sociable to smoke but now it's the opposite, it makes your clothes and breath stink and you're always popping out for a cigarette.

FloydPink · 21/07/2024 11:10

SeulementUneFois · 21/07/2024 10:59

I don't smoke, never had. But I don't understand why people have such a strong reaction to it? Words like sick, betrayed etc.
(Again I wonder if it's cultural differences, I come from a poorer country in Europe.)
A few things I heard:

  • it smells disgusting - Is that not more psychological, driven by the same strong reaction? As before smoking bans we all used to go to pubs etc that were full of smokers, and noone gagged all night. I.e. it's not inherently disgusting smelling like say feces.
  • it's dangerous - yes but many things are, and we don't react like that to them. I used to ride a motorbike, and if my husband reacted like that I'd think he was bonkers.

What, and you and your clothes wouldn’t stink after a night out.

then you have £12 a day on fags or whatever it is. Over £300 a month. Plus the health risks.

But smoking is hard to give up for many. It is an addictive drug. No he should not lie but many will in that situation and some of that may be that they are scared of admitting failure or needing support.

Blinketyblinkblank · 21/07/2024 11:15

SeulementUneFois · 21/07/2024 10:59

I don't smoke, never had. But I don't understand why people have such a strong reaction to it? Words like sick, betrayed etc.
(Again I wonder if it's cultural differences, I come from a poorer country in Europe.)
A few things I heard:

  • it smells disgusting - Is that not more psychological, driven by the same strong reaction? As before smoking bans we all used to go to pubs etc that were full of smokers, and noone gagged all night. I.e. it's not inherently disgusting smelling like say feces.
  • it's dangerous - yes but many things are, and we don't react like that to them. I used to ride a motorbike, and if my husband reacted like that I'd think he was bonkers.

Smoking damages and kills not only the smokers but people who have to breathe the smoking fumes.
Second hand smoke is more dangerous to non smokers than smokers themselves.
Plus if a smoker smokes indoors the chemicals from the smoke cling onto furniture and fittings and linger on for some time.

So even if you argue a smoker has the right to kill themselves I don't see what right they have to damage other people. Plus the effects of smoking are another drain on NHS resources.

Original poster
whsm17 · 21/07/2024 18:02

I did talk and he got angry and raised his voice on me . Why lie to your partner when u can be honest ?

OP posts:
Original poster
whsm17 · 21/07/2024 18:03

He randomly told me he wants to quit

OP posts:
Quitelikeit · 21/07/2024 18:05

Smoking and smoking weed are different things

quittinh weed is not as simple as you think - moods, withdrawal etc maybe that’s why he is angry?

Original poster
whsm17 · 21/07/2024 18:05

He has cheated many times , well , I realised he wouldn't stop so I just detach myself regarding that , he will need another woman for things he tells me not to do to him but want from others , but quitting was a very basic thing , he would never let me be with him when he used to smoke , but cannabis is different....

OP posts:
Original poster
whsm17 · 21/07/2024 18:09

We are married for 12 years , he said to me before marriage that he will quit , coz I told him how much I hate the smell , and my dad's death caused by that (he was a chain smoker ) he lied and whenever I talked about it what he promised , he yelled, then I left it, one day randomly he said he's quitting . If he couldn't I'd appreciate him being honest to me , he lies , hides his phone so I'm not sure what's happening, he is always detach and yells

OP posts:
Original poster
whsm17 · 21/07/2024 18:10

In my 12 year marriage, I only knew he smokes cigs , but after his quitting annocement , I found him weird and found out he's having both now , I have 2 young boys , idk what to do , he smells and it makes me sick

OP posts:
Original poster
whsm17 · 21/07/2024 18:13

But is it fair on my kids that their dad is a cannabis addict now ? He keeps telling his family he has quit , and idk what to do while he's lying to all on their faces

OP posts:
Original poster
whsm17 · 22/07/2024 09:00

I lost my dad , and he promised me before getting married he would quir as he is doing due to his mom passed away , then he was aggressive whenever I talked about his promise and I just stopped even though i didnt have money at all for my child but he jad for his cigs .... then randomly he wants to quit ...

OP posts:
MyDarlingWhatIfYouFly · 22/07/2024 09:26

SeulementUneFois · 21/07/2024 10:59

I don't smoke, never had. But I don't understand why people have such a strong reaction to it? Words like sick, betrayed etc.
(Again I wonder if it's cultural differences, I come from a poorer country in Europe.)
A few things I heard:

  • it smells disgusting - Is that not more psychological, driven by the same strong reaction? As before smoking bans we all used to go to pubs etc that were full of smokers, and noone gagged all night. I.e. it's not inherently disgusting smelling like say feces.
  • it's dangerous - yes but many things are, and we don't react like that to them. I used to ride a motorbike, and if my husband reacted like that I'd think he was bonkers.

Honestly, riding a motorbike is a dealbreaker for me, when I was a child my dad suffered a serious head injury from a motorcycle crash. He has suffered from epilepsy ever since and I just wouldn't want to go through what my family has all over again.

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