Always forgets birthday

[guiling]

Feeling v sad as same thing every year. We are on holiday (UK). We have young children and in the past have spent the day alone with one (then both) of them while he does DIY. They are older now but haven't even been told. Don't care about presents etc just an acknowledgement would be nice.

Got woken a few times in the night by them and still this morning he doesn't get up with them. I asked him to and 5 minutes later i have to get up as he is shouting at them. And now we have had a big fight. He has said i shout a lot more at them but that is because i am with them 99% of the time and am exhausted.

I don’t really get the whole forgetting thing. Do you not say in advance ‘oh it’s my birthday while we’re away on x holiday/that weekend coming/random Tuesday. Shall we go for dinner? Bake a cake?’ Etc.

Don't think i should have to remind him on the day. Really not fussed about doing anything but a spontaneous wanting to let me have a lie in / saying happy birthday would be nice.

I don’t mean raising it on the day, I meant in advance of the day you say ‘oh it’s my birthday on that Sunday. I fancy having a lay in, nice bath and then we take the kids for Sunday lunch’ kind of thing. Just communicating what it is you want, not assuming someone should know.

If you’ve had the normal conversation, and they’ve been on board but choose to be mean/go back on the plans on the day that’s different.

Thanks. I am happy not doing anything and dont need to plan anything. Honestly think a basic minimum is a happy birthday and an advance reminder for that should not be needed.

I don't think you should have to remove your partner about your birthday at any time of year.

So you deliberately don’t mention that your birthday is approaching, stay completely silent on it, so that you can be cross that he’s forgotten again?

Is it something that you think is benefitting you in some way?

Not sure what your problem is @BleachedJumper . When did i say that? Of course it's rude to forget your partner's birthday.

Not bothering with things like my birthday is an absolute no for me.

It's not forgetting in an innocent, totally accidental way, it's deliberate. It's saying I don't care enough to even wish you a happy birthday.

But, we also get what we ask for. So if we expect nothing, say we don't want a fuss etc then people believe us.

There's nothing wrong with saying 'I'd like to do this for my birthday this year' or 'do you need any ideas for what to get me?'.

If you think so little of yourself that you don't think you deserve a birthday treat then he'll follow your lead.

If you genuinely don't want to do anything for your birthday then they'll follow that too. Tell them you don't need a fuss but you absolutely expect some acknowledgment even if it's just a card and happy birthday.

But ultimately, if my partner doesn't make an effort they can fuck off.

Thanks @fortheveryfirsttime . He knows that i find it upsetting he forgets and he knows all i want is a happy birthday and a lie in. We have this argument every year.

I’m sorry, I’m not trying to have a go, but genuinely trying to understand the set up. It seems like a communication issue from my outside perspective.

You have an expectation that he acknowledge something, that you do not acknowledge yourself.

Im trying to understand why you choose to be hurt, rather than communicate that expectation to him. If you are saying you do communicate clearly, but he chooses to be an arsehole that isn’t very nice.

Well why would he change now, we each say what we want to do for our own birthdays as in 'on Saturday for my birthday we are going to name a place'

Saying happy birthday to the person you supposedly love should not need a reminder. Just because i don't want to do something does not mean no one should say happy birthday. Do you only wish happy birthday to people when they do something to celebrate?

Partners should want to do nice things for one another incl remembering birthdays and wanting to share lie ins. Which would have been nice today.

This is where you're going wrong and being the martyr won't do you any favours

I learned long ago that to have a decent birthday, you have to remind people and firmly set out your expectations. If they don't take the hint, then I reciprocate in kind on their birthday/Christmas

I find waiting for birthdays to do nice things for each other very routine, we just do nice things as and when

But you are the one who has a problem with not remembering so we can't help you with that you need to sort it with him

You can't change other people.
You can change yourself.
So you can either make it very clear before your birthday what you want and expect. And make sure he remembers. (Even a last thing at night reminder that it's you birthday lie in tomorrow.)
OR you accept that he won't remember.

But the bigger point is; what is it like the rest of the year? What happens on his birthday? Other special days?
How often does he pay you compliments? Do things for you? Give you a lie in? Cook for you?

If the relationship isn't totally hopeless maybe you should look at something like Love Languages and see if you are using different ones. And maybe talk about your childhoods and the different expectations and experiences of birthdays.

Then he's telling you very clearly that what you want is not a priority for him.

Is he like this in other ways?

Do all your friends and family give you a warning in advance then, so that you never have to do the work of remembering? How does that work with very small kids, do they have to remind you too or you’ll forget? If they can’t talk yet, too bad?

I absolutely understand your feelings! My exDH behaved in a similar fashion.He didn’t acknowledge my birthday, even when my parents and family / friends brought cards and presents round. I didn’t want a huge over the top series of presents or a special outing if he didn’t feel like doing that. Just a quiet “happy birthday “
a card and a modest bunch of flowers would have been fine.
Once our children were old enough to realise it was my birthday my parents helped them write / make cards and little gifts. They asked him first but he told them he was fine about leaving it to their grandparents. It was a key indicator to me that he wasn’t interested in making me feel valued or cared for. I used to take my cards down when anyone came to the house as people used to ask what nice things I had had for my birthday from my husband !
Thirty- five years later, my ex and I are very good friends. He buys lovely birthday presents for me and my husband . (We have now been together for twenty five years.)This has been achieved by cultivating our friendship over the years for the sake of our children ,and helping my ex husband over a couple of long term health issues.
In Uk culture birthdays are recognised and marked as a day when that person is given positive attention ,however modest. For your life partner to give no thought or effort towards doing so is hurtful. The whole point is that no reminder should be needed if the right feelings are there.

Thank you for the recent understanding and sensible responses. Really shocked at some of the earlier responses re having to remind your DH to say happy birthday!