Has it all been my fault?

[Velaris77]

Name change for this, will try and keep succinct as possible..
Been with H for 18 years, felt like a love story to begin with. Ended up giving up my house, job to live to a different county as he couldn't move with his work. Started working for him. First silly move with hindsight. Had a vision of marital bliss but quickly found him to be quite selfish and emotionally unavailable. I remember being very confused at the time but put up with it even though I struggled at time, I probably shut down to protect myself and exacerbated the issue without really realising it. Still forged on with dreams for future, had two sons but soon after son was born the name calling began. Belittling, getting called a bitch, psycho, lunatic, getting told I was hormonally unbalanced. I've never felt hormonally unbalanced. Never had those issues. But I began to question myself and as time went on, I just felt more and more criticised. House wasn't clean enough, I didn't bring enough money in. Things got worse, name calling got worse, kids have told me H calls me bad names infront of them (bitch and twice the c word).. this is something H vehemently denies. But info was volunteered by the kids. I think I shut down entirely during this time and we were living in separate bedrooms for two years. During that time, found a login to eharmony under a pseudonym and a subscription to tinder gold that he swears he was just using to "look around" because he was so down about us practically being separated at home. Also during that two years I decided to make an exit plan, I got a different job, saved for a solicitor and recently filed for divorce. I'm shit at making decisions and kept getting pulled back in but stayed firm and did it. Good friends helped me get there. Tried to talk to him before hand, asked him to go to counselling but each time he refused saying I just wanted to "drag up the past to bash him with it". He didn't believe I'd done it til the papers landed.
Now he's freaking out, cried, saying he doesn't want to divorce, wants to try again. That the reason for the name calling was that I was disrespectful to him because I had made myself emotionally unavailable. That he "sees" me, would walk over coals for me but he wasn't able to show it because I never prioritised him in the marriage. I've tried to self reflect and I probably didn't prioritise him when kids came along, but by then I already felt devalued which added to it. I tried over the years to get him to stop the name calling but each time he said if I act like it, he'll label it.
He's now saying all the things I wanted him to say 5+ years ago. I'm sure he believes it but trying to equate if it's enough for me. Since filing I've been out a few times and have been chatted up and made to feel wanted again, not acted on it, but realised how much I've missed that feeling and how I haven't felt like that for years. One guy I have met I have an absolute connection with but obviously not acted on it. It's making me crave it though. I know if I went to where he works something would spark which is why I'm not going there. But I want to. Badly. Can't stop thinking about it. Which is a symptom of me being "done" and prob a knee jerk. Yet here I am wondering if I should take H at his word and try again. Am I being a trauma bonded fool? I have no idea where my head is at. I can't work it out which is scary as hell... anyone been in similar situation?

You’ve come so far - why oh why would you go backwards now? It’s a game for your DH - he’ll be shocked that you’ve actually taken action and he’s pulling all the levers to pull you back in. He HAS NOT changed - he just doesn’t want his punchbag to leave. Even in his begging he is managing to blame you for everything - being focussed on your children is not an excuse for him to verbally abuse you.

If you haven’t already done it, please do seek some form of therapy support to understand why you’re finding it hard to walk away. Maybe you hope that you’ll go back to the first part of your relationship, maybe your self esteem is very low and you think you don’t deserve anything better, maybe you absorbed messages as a child that you shouldn’t expect better treatment. A therapist will help you understand why you stayed for so long.

You are so close to a lovely life without abuse. Be strong and gift yourself that freedom.

Sometimes people don’t take action or responsibility till the last minute when it all becomes real. Like an alcoholic then being told by a doctor the next drink could kill them.

it’s that wake up call some need so it could be genuine. But it could also be an act to not lose you.

if you feel you still love him and want to give it a go, do so, but on your terms and 1 strike = out! Make him demonstrate change.

if you feel that ship has sailed then get on with your life

Thanks @Madamswearsalot. Yes I have a lot of healing still to do, I'm trying to find a counsellor to help me through it. Friends have got me this far and I'm so upset with myself for feeling confused again.
The thing that keep berating me is the fact that he says he feels I never put him as a priority, that he was always the one to initiate sex or dates and that he got so frustrated that the name calling resulted. That the dating apps were because we were living separate lives. I was feeling so strong and now I'm back to feeling confused and trying to figure out if I've caused all this by focussing on day to day life and the kids like he said. I probably have been shut down. But I always have felt that I wasn't a priority for him (which he admits before kids he was pretty selfish) and everything just got so mixed up. I hate feeling like this, it's debilitating.

He hasn’t changed. You’re just feeling the lure of the familiar over a future that’s different from what you dreamed of. Do you really want the rest of your daughter’s childhood to be as you’ve described? That’ll affect her own ability to make healthy relationships as well as giving her a miserable childhood. Do the Freedom Programme and get away from this man. From what you write it’s not been emotionally safe for a long time

I lived miserably for 16 years with xdh. He only stopped doing the things I had consistently asked him not to do and actioned changes when he was faced with the reality of me leaving.

All that told me was that he knew these things were making me miserable all along, just thought I would put up with them forever while he carried on doing them.

Stand firm. He’s shown you who he really is. You and the children deserve much better.

You seem very worried about this being your fault or being blamed for the failure of the relationship. I get that his comments/accusations will cause you to reflect but my counterpoint would be that you’ve done nothing to deserve his awful behaviour. He stepped so far over the line with both the verbal abuse and the attempts to cheat.

Also - so what? What if you did prioritise the kids over your angry abusive husband? What if you did shut down due to his selfishness and verbal abuse? They seem like very normal responses to what was a bit of a shit relationship.

The finality of things may also be playing on your mind. It’s scary to move away from the familiar, however much it’s making you miserable.

Don't listen to his talk of change Op, remember how he fooled you before and keep going with the divorce. Just as there's a script it seems for unfaithful men, they all seem to say the same things when you're leaving them, they'll change , they'll be different but as @olderbutwiser says, if they know they've been in the wrong why didn't they change sooner?
He wants to load all the blame on to you, don't let him

Thanks everyone
@olderbutwiser I told him pretty much exactly that this morning.. that if he has only now said these things when faced with papers, why hasn't he said it before, especially when he saw me struggling so badly with the the name calling he was levelling at me.
His response was to say that he was struggling too because I didn't prioritise him. I "ringfenced myself with boundaries" (wonder why) and the name calling was a result of frustration because of the negativity. Apparently I've never truly given myself to him (despite moving away from everything I know to a different county to build a life with him, integrate into his family and go to all the events and parties, bring up two kids, do the majority of the kiddy stuff and house stuff whilst also working part time)...
Basically we have the chance of a "fairytale marriage".. if I change...

Stand firm. Do not go back.

So he's making the disrespect and name calling your fault? He's actually blaming you for words coming out of his mouth because he has no agency over his actions.

He likes his home comforts OP - I'm guessing you run around after him. He doesn't want to lose money in a divorce. If he truly cared and respected you, he wouldn't have told your children you were a cunt.

He's criticised, belittled you and taken you for granted for years. If he really wanted to change he would stop blaming you for his behaviour but he hasn't.

You need to get the divorce over and done with and move on with your life.

Divorce this man and move on properly with your life. In his head it’s always everyone else’s fault except his, such types never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions.

What do you want to teach your kids about relationships and what are they learning here?. This current relationship is no model
to be showing them at all.

They all do this op. Treat you like shit until you're done and then the tears and promises come.

It won't last, I went back to my abusive ex when he turned on the water works and promised me what I'd been wanting for years. I went back and within two weeks the cracks started to appear in his mask, 6 weeks later and we were back to square one. So I left again and back came the tears again. Once he realised he couldn't feel me back in he hit nasty and his true self came out.

Adult people express their feelings with adult words:
e.g. he could have said "I'm feeling neglected because of XYZ. I'd like things to improve between us, could you please ABC?"
And then moved the discussion on from there.

There's no world in which swearing and name calling gets the changes he claims to have wanted.
There's no world in which him blaming you for his actions means he has changed or anything would be different going forward - no responsibility or accountability on his side.

You're doing really well, so stick with it and don't get drawn back in by his very standard set of lies.

Another vote for finalising the divorce. Speaking from bitter experience.