To wonder where this is going?

[Flatpancake1]

Looking for advice please from you lovely lot. I am married late 40s, H mid fifties. One DD who has recently turned 15.
Had pretty much a whirlwind romance with H 18 years ago and married and had DD. After the birth of DD H was rather controlling and I had a difficult time with H in the early years of DD life.

Needless to say his controlling behaviour (also coupled with the vulnerability of being a new mum without family nearby), was a complete turn off for me and I realised he was perhaps not the charming person I thought he was. This resentment if that's what you want to call it or dislike to his behaviour in the early stages of my DD life and our marriage is still there. I love him for being father to my DD, he is now pretty thoughtful but I feel no attraction towards him whatsoever. We have not had sex since my DD was a baby.

What would you do? I have limited finances. My mother who lives 4 hours away is getting older and is starting to need more support (father died when I was young). My mother will not live with me because she does not get on with H.

I feel at a loss here and in the middle of this is my DD who is the most important thing (right or wrong which is why I have stayed, to give her the stability).

I see a lot of marriages dysfunctional like mine so maybe it's normal? Looking for some advice please.

You're married so you should be entitled to money from shared assets such as the house. Perhaps in the first instance get some legal advice and make a plan from there.

Your DD is 15.
You need to start thinking about how your life will look when she leaves home & it's just the two of you.
She might go to University in three years.

@Jonisaysitbest true. However, myself and H lead separate lives almost anyway. We don't argue just don't have a great deal in common now, I clearly feel no attraction towards him. Will we be better off apart? Who knows? Aren't a lot of marriage like this? Just for convenience almost or am I selling myself short here.

Have you never in 14 years had any kind of discussion? he has just accepted a sexless/loveless marriage as have you, no attempts to repair things?

Are you sure he is going to just carry on with your relationship as it stands?
Or is there a chance that he is making plans to move on when your DD does?
You need to discuss the situation because if you don't you can't be sure of how the future will look.

@Kelly51 Yes. We or should I say I, and it has always been me who has brought the subject of a sexless/loveless marriage as he seems and always had been quite content to live like this. I, on the other hand have been previously married and had long term relationships before whereas he has not.

I had discussions about ways to resolve, counselling/open relationship (I know!), date nights etc. Admittedly, the date night option was early on in the marriage/DD life but as time has gone on and his general apathy to sort anything has been off putting to say the least. Also, in general his general attitude towards me/DD/ideas of life in general have all been at times incomprehensible.

So, yes I have had over the past 14 years many discussions. Attempt to repair? possibly, but his general attitude and behaviour over the years has been off putting so whilst I have wanted ro there has never been a great, whole hearted attempt from myself and perhaps he knows this.

Maybe just me. Maybe is the menopause or a mid life crisis!

I agree. He appears more than happy to bury his head in the sand about us and any other situation. I am afraid I am not like this.

Well, I clearly have buried my head over the years to an extent...!

could You go and spend some longer period with your mum - a month or two at a time - to explore how you feel being away from him, and to explore your options for leaving him properly? It sounds like you want more from life, and you only live once so I think you should pursue that feeling. But it also doesn’t sound like you need to get out now - so you can take your time to get it right. But don’t procrastinate forever!!!

I would just say be careful.
He could be appearing to be putting his head in the sand but could secretly be planning to leave.
He could even have an affair partner waiting in the wings. You say you live separate lives so this kind of thing would be easy for him to hide.
How involved are you with the finances and how money is spent, saved etc?
It's definitely time to take stock of finances, savings and pensions.
I suppose what I am trying to say is, don't take for granted that he is just bumbling along as you are. Be prepared.

This was an option but I work FT (nurse) so it's difficult taking that much time off. I do want more from life, I appreciate no marriage or relationship is perfect but no real love or affection for this amount of time is hard.

Thanks. When I mentioned about having separate lives it was more separate hobbies etc. As our DD is getting older she wants to be with her friends, understandably so, so little time is spent together as a family.

I am quite involved with the finances. We both have good work pensions, joint mortgage, joint savings and our salary goes into one pot which all the utilities etc comes out from. I hasten to add this has taken years, and years of discussions to get it to this point where I have had some control and oversight of finances and ensuring the majority is joint. We both have our own separate accounts in which I have a small amount saved (6k).

honestly you’ve done 15 and a bit already

id just do what a lot of others do…
quietly see a solicitor shore up finances dig about to see what he has got
get house done up so it’s good to sell and think about life after where you will live accommodation etc

then leave once your Dd is in 1st year uni

Yes, this is what I'm starting to do with the exception of not seeing a solicitor yet.

It sounds like you are in a good position financially and job-wise and that moving on would improve your life.

Good luck x