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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Abusive relationship?

7 replies

Helloyou111 · 21/07/2024 01:48

Hi I’m sure my partners acts are abusive , I need some outside look into this tho as over time I think I’ve made excuses for his behaviour and im almost so used to it it’s hard to see it until now . Basically he always had an issue with drinking ( becoming aggressive but not physically so didn’t think it was abusive ) but he gave up drinking months ago and everything has been good . Tonight he was angry about bad news he’s had about his father’s health . I’ve tried to comfort him (he’s been angry and upset over it which is understandable) but things escalated and he turned things into arguments about something not relevant basically just to direct his anger at me and smashed the TV up and took my phone off me not allowing me to leave the house . I’m so upset as he started bringing up old arguments about how I’m not supportive and always having a go at him ( even tho I feel the reasons were justified in my case ) and the reason he smashed the TV was because “I shouldn’t have made him angry so it’s my fault “ It’s always the same argument about how I’m not supportive or I haven’t been . But last year he barely helped around the house , my father had just died , he was lying about addiction and finances while I worked 3 months after our baby was born to let him take time off work to try get better ( he has mental health issues ) I just feel like he’s never going to get better and will always justify his behaviour with mental health or something I’ve said or done .We don’t live together . I really don’t know how to leave him as I can’t see him not harassing me 😭 plus the guilt he will put on me over his fathers health is going to be awful . I’m sorry I know this is all over the place I just don’t know who to talk to . I feel trapped

OP posts:
xTheLoudLeaderx · 21/07/2024 01:53

He can’t smash a TV up and blame you, that’s not right. Also more important you feel trapped because you are. He’s taken your phone off you ! He’s not let you leave while he’s on an angry rant. That’s horrible. You need to get him to realise his actions and be accountable for them before worse happens if you stay with him because that is not right !

Helloyou111 · 21/07/2024 01:58

xTheLoudLeaderx · 21/07/2024 01:53

He can’t smash a TV up and blame you, that’s not right. Also more important you feel trapped because you are. He’s taken your phone off you ! He’s not let you leave while he’s on an angry rant. That’s horrible. You need to get him to realise his actions and be accountable for them before worse happens if you stay with him because that is not right !

Thank you . He used to do this to me alot and I just got used to 😥 he then has a pattern of love bombing me like nothing happened and makes promises to not drink and makes excuses “ it’s not me , it’s the other me , it’s my mental health “ but it’s so scary when it’s in the moment . It’s the first time it’s happened tonight since we have had the baby and I absolutely can’t have this happen when the baby is here if anything . I don’t want this around our baby . I’m just so tied to him as I rely on him to help when I work and things and obviously with his fathers health and his mental state it’s tricky . I also have zero support where I live as both parents have passed away recently . I just feel so alone

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samarrange · 21/07/2024 02:09

If he wants to fall back on his mental health as an excuse, he needs to be getting help with that. Could be bipolar, could be he needs help with anger management. If he accepts that he needs help then maybe there is a chance. But if he won't do anything about it, it doesn't matter whether he had genuine MH issues or he's just a bastard, you have to get out of the relationship.

Mmhmmn · 21/07/2024 02:20

Yes. He’s abusive.
you can’t stay with a man who smashes up a TV (he’s out of control) or takes your phone (control and abuse).

Don't know whether he’s attempting to self medicate an MH condition with alcohol or if alcohol has caused it but your duty is to protect your baby which also requires protecting yourself . By getting away from him.

Is there anyone you can confide in in IRL? Or can you contact Womens Aid?

pinkyredrose · 21/07/2024 02:28

He sounds live a twat. Does he have a key to your place?

Georgie743 · 21/07/2024 02:31

100% he is abusive and it's worrying you don't already know that.

the good news is you don't live together, so change your locks if he has a key and block him.

Helloyou111 · 21/07/2024 06:52

He doesn’t have a key . He’s getting help for his condition but it’s only happening when he’s drinking . He came back this morning and was really aggressive so I signalled a neighbour to ring the police and they took him away . 😰

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